The Longest Johnson

People who played Zelda OoT and MM young understand a phenom that few others can: the well-induced trauma response. I still don't want to go down those things in games to this day, even non-Zelda titles! #zelda #ocarinaoftime #majorasmask #nintendo #horror

Hey! Buc-ee's employee here. Satan called. He says if y'all run that "bussy" meme any further into the ground, it's gonna put a hole in his ceiling, and we just don't have the budget to pay for repairs in Hell. Please come up with better jokes. #buc-ee's

I work at Buc-ee's, and people who shop there are usually on the road to go somewhere, so they're in a bit of a rush. And when you rush in someplace, sometimes you leave things in the car, like your phone or wallet. Or in the case of some of y'all, your manners.

I remember the days when we had a special title for people with no capacity for empathy or remorse, and it wasn't "role model" or "leadership material." I seem to remember it being something along the lines of... "sociopath" or some such. Generally wasn't considered a good quality.

My toxic trait? If you lick my skin, you'll see undiscovered colors and play badminton with angels. Try not to throw up too much when you're done. #frogs #toxic #ribbit

Going up to a furry who has pets and accusing them of bestiality is like going up to a devoted mother of 3 and saying she only had children so she could molest them. Don't pretend it was just a joke when the consequences come knocking your teeth out. #fafo #furry

Idk how many people need to hear this but not being an asshole to people is a good thing actually

The feeling when ur ace-aro and someone at work is all up on your pebis

Thrill of the chase? Yeah right. Only way to get me to chase anybody is taping a handful of Benjies to their back. Not interested, never will be. #asexual #aromantic #acearo

Samus is amazing. I kinda want to be Samus, but then there'd be two Samuses running around, and we've all seen how well that tends to turn out. Twice is waaaay more than enough. #metroid #metroidfusion #metroidprimetrilogy #darksamus #sa-x #nintendo

That feeling when someone demands a full explanation of what "intersex" is, but you know most of the words will be too advanced for them to understand. Sorry, but my gender requires a minimum of a 3rd grade reading level to unlock. Pick up a damn book and try again later. #intersex #queer #lgbtq+

Young man to woman: Not all men are dangerous. Quit being dramatic.

Father to daughter: All men are dangerous and you should never trust or interact with them.

#feminism #makeitmakesense #toxicmasculinity

What's so great about a love interest that plays hard to get? You tell me "no," I back off. If you meant it, I don't waste my time or yours. If you said "no" just to toy with me or test me, that's called "lying," and I just dodged a bullet with a dishonest person. 🚩🚩🚩

My respect doesn't need to be earned: it is given by default. It can, however, be lost, and once you do, you're not getting it back. Dunno if that makes me weird or petty or anything, but that's how it is.

British people: American English is bad lol

Also British people: Oi sawr it mite, a bo'o'o'wo'a floy oot the windaw

Attractive people are a dime a dozen: you see them everywhere, even when you aren't looking for them. Finding a beautiful person is a lot harder, and so much more worth it.

Texans openly using slurs in public disgusts me, as a Texan. We're supposed to have good manners down here. I know it's a bold assumption to make these days, but y'all probably weren't raised by feral hogs in a rancid ditch somewhere. Do better. #texas #pridemonth #pride #queer #queerintexas

Sometimes I wonder if I should try dating again, but then I remember my exes and start to think maybe black widow spiders and praying mantises have the right idea. Sex is okay, but fresh meat is better. #aromantic #asexual

I think humans probably like petting furry animals because we used to be furry animals too. Back then, we'd groom each other to bond. Now we have no fur to groom, but our monkey brains still make the "yes, good, keep doing this" chemicals when we scritch a fuzzy critter. #science #latethoughts

You can dislike a certain piece or pieces of media without making your dislike a core facet of your identity. You also aren't obligated to bash the thing every time a slight hint of anything related to it pops up in your day. Please calm down. Breathe. Think of your blood pressure. #fandom

I bet public school made reading feel like a miserable slog, and I wouldn't blame you if, the instant you stepped off that stage with your diploma, you never wanted to touch another book again. Don't let them do that to you. Be curious. Ask questions. Find answers. Read.

"One who does not read holds no advantage over one who cannot read." -Mark Twain

My man knew what was up. Go read something at some point today: Wikipedia, a fantasy novel, a romantic novella, a book of silly poems, just read. You'll already have an advantage over most people.

Transmasc folks who bind their chests have way more balls than any transphobe. In fact, our balls are so big God had to put 'em on our chests because there wasn't enough room between our legs! #pridemonth #lgbtq #transpride

Them: You people are too easily offended!

Me: You shouldn't use slurs on strangers in public, it's rude

Them: I AM BEING OPPRESSED AND SILENCED CANCEL CULTURE IS OUT OF CONTROL I AM GOING TO PEE MY PANTS AND START ROLLING ON THE GROUND CRYING

YouTube video by Crestamorph Roy

How I flirt

These violent delights have violent ends, and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which, as they kiss, consume.

-Me, playing Mario Party with friends and I just bribed the Boo

Dominant males try to intimidate perceived challengers by standing tall, making a lot of noise, and demonstrating their physical strength by hitting and throwing things.

Am I talking about gorillas or toxic men? Yes.

Childish hobbies? Baby games? Yeah, it's called "fun". And yes, it is possible to have it without being an asshole. You should look into it.

Full disclosure: if I visit you and your toilet paper is set up backwards, I will have to pee in your sink. Sorry, I don't make the rules.