Weekday Jokes

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4”

I ordered a new sail for my boat, but realised I'd made a mistake.

When I called to change the order, the person that answered said: "Sorry, that sail has shipped"

I have found marriage to be very educational.

For instance, I had no idea there was a wrong way to put milk in the fridge

Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure

I don't mind genetically modified foods.

l've just had a lovely leg of salmon

My wife asks me to blow air at her face every time she gets too hot.

But honestly, I'm not a fan

Me: "That's a Himalayan Tiger"
Son: "How do you know?"
Me: "Cause that's him a layin' on the ground"

I told my son that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.

He said, "How do you know it was on its way to work?"

Got fired from my job as a masseuse.

Apparently I rub people the wrong way

I told my contractor I did not want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair

What do you call a wizard that falls down the stairs?

Tumbledore

I used to be a developer for autocorrect.

Then they fried me for no raisin

Huge mistake challenging Death to a pillow fight.

I was NOT prepared for the reaper cushions

Old McDonald has integrated ChatGPT into their recent farming operations. When asked about the technology, he said it was powered by artificial intelligence.

Reporter: “AI?”
Old McDonald: “AI.”
Reporter: “Oh!”

Accidentally replaced all my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.

Circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high

Did you hear who won the “World’s Best Neckwear” competition?

It was a tie

Despite all the warnings, I put all my eggs in one basket.

Made my grocery shopping trip SO much easier

I asked my wife if the cup was half full or half empty.

She told me, “For the last time, stop wearing my bras”

Atom 1: Oh no, I think I lost an electron.
Atom 2: Are you sure?
Atom 1: Yes, I’m positive

“Doctor, doctor! I think I might have ADHD because I can't ever remember where I parked my Ford!”

Doctor: “That's not how ADHD works.”

Me: “But I keep losing my Focus!”

My biggest fear of self-driving cars...

If I were to die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there

Currently competing in an Elton John trivia competition. Lots of folks have already lost.

But I'm still standing

Did you hear about the lion that turned cannibal?

He swallowed his pride

Told my wife our nextdoor neighbor died.

She said "Who? Ray?"

I told her it was way too early to celebrate like that

I once knew of a king who was only 12 inches tall.

Terrible king, excellent ruler

Need an ark?

I Noah guy

Did you hear they honored the guy that invented the knock knock joke?

He won the no bell prize