Weekday Jokes

My wife texted me "Your great" and I replied, “No, you're great".

She's been happy and smiling at me all week

I'm at an age where not finding parking for an event is enough to make me go home

Shoutout to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number, but cannot remember their password they created yesterday.

You are my people!

I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.

It's not a very long poem, but it's deep

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub, and it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering

My wife has been pushing me around and talking behind my back

It all started since I needed a wheelchair

Someone sent me an email about using vodka for cleaning around the house.

It worked! The more vodka I drank the cleaner the house looked!

Been feeling a little moody and rundown lately.

So, I looked up my symptoms.

It's adulthood. I have adulthood!

Can we just agree to cancel the rest of the week and start a fresh on Monday...

I'm ready for the weekend now

My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.

It would be even less weird if she'd just let me in

I hate when people call my phone...

l don't use it for that

I asked my wife if she loved me for my face or my body.

She laughed and said it was for my sense of humour

I just came across my wife's Tinder profile and I'm so angry about her lies.

She is not "fun to be around"

That awkward moment when you're running...

And your boobs are bouncing all over the place.

And you're a 55 year old guy

I can't wait for warm summer nights, outside on the patio.

*326 mosquitos liked your post"

My wife asked for something with diamonds in it for her birthday.

I bought her a deck of playing cards

When your wife starts a sentence with "When you get a chance..."

Just go ahead and start putting your shoes on. She means now

At a certain point in your life, sitting at home alone watching TV on a Friday night goes from being super depressing to the most enjoyable part of your week

Why is there always a shop selling luggage at the airport?

Who is going on vacation, carrying armfuls of clothes, saying, I'll pack when we get there?

Sadly, I do most of my proof reading after I hit sned

I'm in search for someone to assist with milking cows on my dairy farm.

Must work well with udders

THINGS I'M NO LONGER INTERESTED IN:

1 Driving at night
2 Leaving my house at night
3 Driving in the winter
4. Leaving the house in winter
5. Driving
6 Leaving the house

I was upset when my neighbor put a fence around his swimming pool.

But then I got over it

I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She replied, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace"

So, I brought her nothing

The cashier told me, "Strip down facing me."

By the time I realised they meant the debit card...it was too late, and I was already being escorted out of Walmart

I went into a pet shop and said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is"

I decided to play golf with my friend.

On the third hole he said, "Let's make this interesting."

So we stopped playing golf...

Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

But smoking bacon will cure it