Dan Wilbur

If you wonder what it’s like to live with a comedian, picture the Crypt Keeper. Dead inside, won’t stop making puns, and will occasionally cackle at the darkest story you’ve ever heard.

Getting fewer texts from Democrats but more texts from local restaurants. They need to try the same tone. I can ignore “Dan, it’s Taco Tuesday!” but I would immediately order if they wrote “Dan, Trump’s State of the Union was a 2-hour lie. You must stress eat. Osaka Sushi has…”

I promise you you’re allowed to dunk on people who’ve “changed their minds about Trump” because come 2028, they will all say they hated Trump but can’t see themselves voting for anyone else but Vance/Rubio.

Every AI video makes me wish I were dead but luckily, the people creating them are making sure that happens faster.

Had a great time talking to @kenicemobley.bsky.social about hot guys and tarot cards with @zachsims.bsky.social on My New Thing:

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/m...

Hahaha. Damn! It’s all been done

Criminals: chime in!

When a criminal gives you a briefcase full of cash, do you get to keep the briefcase? Do they spring for a nice one as a sign of respect or are you getting a straight up TJ Maxx faux leather bag with a million dollars in it?

I don’t care how bad the health inspection grade is, the carrot sticks and PB&Js at this restaurant are phenomenal.

You’re laughing? Kristi Noem has to pay for her own airfare when she wants to have sex with her boyfriend and you’re laughing?

You never need to check the Stocks app because you can always look at whatever picture they used to report on the Dow today.

Why isn’t the media incessantly asking every politician if Iran has a right to exist??

Ahhh, that’s why he killed those children.

Wow! They rebooted Save The Green Planet and the war in the Middle East! It really is 2003 again

Why are the ABCs still in that order? Because that’s how we did it 3,000 years ago? Are we going to bring back bloodletting and drinking mercury to cure headaches too? Makes me sick

They used to tell us these countries had weapons of mass destruction but now they’re saying “imagine if they COULD have weapons of mass destruction. Wouldn’t that be something? We better blow them up.”

I’m going to be an double XL this year. I’m gaining weight and turning 40.

The media showing the chyron “what does the war in Iran mean for you?” over images of Americans holding gas cans makes sense since they’re the color of blood.

Thousands of Iranian government supporters mourning Khamenei chant 'Death to America' Thousands of Iranian government supporters filled the main square in the central city of Yazd in mourning on Sunday, led by Shiite clerics, after US and Israeli strikes killed Supreme Leader Ayatollah...

apnews.com/video/thousa...

As I get older, I still try to get my friends to do the right drugs before we watch a movie together. “Hey, man… you ever watch a Safdie brothers movie after having….way too much coffee?? That’s the only way to really see it.”

I give less daddy energy and more dad energy. Women don’t look at me and think “Mmm. I bet he likes to take charge.” They look at me and think “Ooo. I bet he’ll let me borrow his charger.”

I’m glad this time we chose to invade the Middle East that weed is legal! I’m putting together a Coalition of the Chilling! Hahah. We’re all gonna die

Here’s that video of people celebrating in the streets in Iran!

The successful 100-hour ground war in Iraq only continued for 30+ years, so a four-week fight with Iran should be over by 2215.

“I voted for this” and it’s a list of things you said you’d never vote for

Anyway. Does Congress exist in any capacity now? Do they even name mailboxes or whatever anymore?

You say “that’s just the way it is” when a kid isn’t tall enough to ride a roller coaster not when people die during the war you started.

Last time we invaded the Middle East, they told us to forget about it and buy a nice DVD player with our tax returns.

This time, they’re like “eat tripe out of a can, you piggies!”

You can only half-blame Trump for this since only half of his body is working after the stroke.

Haha