I was born in it

The more time I spend on 290 the more I think we should do a pluribus

If you use the word "kiddos", call other women "mama", or refer to your partner as "hubby", please walk away from me and don't look back

Have you tried retinol? I use it twice a week and moisturize a lot more and it's really working for me!

Old Country for No Men: A bunch of little old Russian ladies farming and knitting and having a great time. No boys allowed.

I think I'm done with parties where you need to yell-talk.

Uncle Bonnie Birthday Party: FUN!

A Ben & Jerry's collab with Costco where you get big tubs of ice cream but it's called "Benjamin and Gerald's"

I have known at least fifteen people in my life that have September birthdays and they are ALL on odd dates. What does it mean?!?!??!!!

I can't believe people still eat at Subway. Have they never had a sandwich before?

I've been saying this for years, especially in a male-dominated profession. Particularly on a construction site, I've felt that I had to prove myself by saying something smart/clever before anyone really listened to me while my male colleagues were shown respect without having to earn it.

If you don't think dishwashers are magic you're a spoiled fuggin ungrateful rat bastard

My six-year-old: "Dad, what does crap mean?"
My wonderful, intelligent husband: "Crap means shit."

(finally saw the rest of Sinners)

THERE the fuck is Wallace

I remember being really surprised when I saw what scat man looks like. Now, in my aged wisdom, I can't picture him any other way.

Barf probably

I wonder what happens at the end of Sinners

Was two thirds of the way through Sinners when the babysitter called because my son barfed. WHO'S THE SINNER NOW

WORD

Hubbub

Wine and whiskey in winter. Beer and tequila in summer. And if you EVEN THINK about disagreeing with me that's fine do what you want.

(First time shopping at the container store I mean. Not first time taking a dump.)

Just took a huge dump at the container store. First time!

To avoid unsolicited advice from old dudes at the hardware store, you must wear at least two of the following: work boots, overalls, flannel shirt, dark baseball cap. Speaking in a low voice also helps, but not every time.

Preach!

Signed up for my first ever SPA PACKAGE including something called "hand and foot indulgence"? More to follow

I invite you to join me in this endeavor.

So next time I'm called a bitch I'll be really confused, on account of how brave, strong, and cool I am.

I will no longer be acknowledging the feminine definition of the word "bitch" (strong-willed woman that has wronged you in some way). From now on I will always assume there is a silent "little" or "lil" preceding it.