Ali Garfinkel

whoops literally forgot this app existed

centuries and centuries of human development simply to end up exactly how we've always been

that's when it's two words

the germans don't do bloopers, they do krauttakes

The Facebook people are here now (derogatory)

it had nothing to do with the paid actors portraying a couple on tv

a burger king commercial came on and in it were two older people wearing those paper crowns and without looking away from the screen my mom just goes "if you ever see me wearing a burger king crown i want you to shoot me on the spot. don't even let me explain."

i didn't fuck with them until much later but once you learn the patterns they're not bad!!

i am not *suffering* from a mental health crisis i'm quite enjoying it actually

"too many people have main character syndrome" not me. i love being an npc. just idly standing around, watching the birds. oh you going on a quest? can you bring me back something

INDEED

spider tour

you can tell by my camera speed i was unwell

feels bad

i am not everyone. i am dumber

i died shortly after this but i'm better now

pale spiders scattered across a red ground

nightmares do come true

hey did you know that if you knock down a wasp's nest it may be filled with spiders? did you know that? because i didn't know that. i didn't know that until it hit the ground and exploded on my bare feet

left one of my knees unshaven so i could have something to pet

[the devil, as kristi noem's fingertips slip through his grasp]: some day, my love

ah so elon was just knowingly and happily working for -- as he is insinuating -- a pedophile

text from a friend: "you know the persian crispy rice / tahdig. my dad told siri to set a 45 minute timer for tahdig" followed by a photo of his smart watch that says "take a dick, 45 min"

did we really need to invent gogurt? is regular yogurt not already portable enough?

would solve a lot of my problems tbh

condensation is so pathetic like WHAT are u crying about u are a GLASS

headline from abc news "Astronomers discover strange new celestial object in our Milky Way galaxy" paired with mugshot of former cop who was in prison for rape and murder but recently escaped and is still at large 🥰

wow,,,,, beautiful

i've seen you break it down to a car alarm you've still got life in those limbs old man

don't worry it only applies to women

a lil bday pic of me in a nice black top 🥳

turned 37 today which, in los angeles, qualifies me for a senior discount

every painting from the 1800s is like ok girl get them titties out

when i say i’m enjoying a tv series and the person i’m talking to is like ‘you should read the books next’ it’s like sorry i’m watching 18 hours of television a day when would i possibly have time for a book