Ali Garfinkel

"too many people have main character syndrome" not me. i love being an npc. just idly standing around, watching the birds. oh you going on a quest? can you bring me back something

INDEED

spider tour

you can tell by my camera speed i was unwell

feels bad

i am not everyone. i am dumber

i died shortly after this but i'm better now

pale spiders scattered across a red ground

nightmares do come true

hey did you know that if you knock down a wasp's nest it may be filled with spiders? did you know that? because i didn't know that. i didn't know that until it hit the ground and exploded on my bare feet

left one of my knees unshaven so i could have something to pet

[the devil, as kristi noem's fingertips slip through his grasp]: some day, my love

ah so elon was just knowingly and happily working for -- as he is insinuating -- a pedophile

text from a friend: "you know the persian crispy rice / tahdig. my dad told siri to set a 45 minute timer for tahdig" followed by a photo of his smart watch that says "take a dick, 45 min"

did we really need to invent gogurt? is regular yogurt not already portable enough?

would solve a lot of my problems tbh

condensation is so pathetic like WHAT are u crying about u are a GLASS

headline from abc news "Astronomers discover strange new celestial object in our Milky Way galaxy" paired with mugshot of former cop who was in prison for rape and murder but recently escaped and is still at large 🥰

wow,,,,, beautiful

i've seen you break it down to a car alarm you've still got life in those limbs old man

don't worry it only applies to women

a lil bday pic of me in a nice black top 🥳

turned 37 today which, in los angeles, qualifies me for a senior discount

every painting from the 1800s is like ok girl get them titties out

when i say i’m enjoying a tv series and the person i’m talking to is like ‘you should read the books next’ it’s like sorry i’m watching 18 hours of television a day when would i possibly have time for a book

sorry i’m late bro there were enemies nearby and i couldn’t fast travel

my adult body swaddled-wrapped in a bed sheet

happy mother's day to the woman who will still swaddle me upon request

exactly

screenshot of sailor moon ep where her friend asks "I mean, what college man would kiss a fourteen-year old?"

and then there is of course, this

why my fate gotta be tied to his magician-lookin ass

look when it comes to sailor moon personally i would not be jazzed if my life were in danger and a masked tuxedo man in a cape and top hat showed up throwing flowers and reciting poetry

as kids my sister & i would annoy each other so badly in the car & it'd piss my mom off. she'd go 'GIRLS ENOUGH! Hands in your laps & look out your windows' & we'd be like jeez whats her deal. & now that i think about it it was prob bc our idea of 'joking around' was unbuckling each others seatbelts

a car laden with various bumper stickers that say things like "I BRAKE FOR AMERICA'S ONLY NATIVE MARSUPIAL" "Pro-Possum, Pro-Choice" "HOW AM I DRIVING? I'M NOT. THIS VEHICLE IS DRIVEN BY 700 RATS."

sometimes art just speaks to you

my bf [lying to his friends about why my arm is in a sling]: uhh she's fine she just fell--

me [being brave]: i was trying to rip a peach along its butt crease with my bare hands and banged my elbow against the desk so hard it made me cry