donni saphire

I bet our brains will come out of this ordeal very cool and normal

hey man, that was a funny joke... with a BIT of a dark edge to it! sure would be a shame if I were to humorlessly elucidate the gristly consequences of such a scenario, were it not in jest

Oh well, maybe their horrific schemes won’t work

me slowly boiling to death: this pond is mad warm.. (texting my frog buddies) you gotta check out this sick pond

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, standing behind two robots and next to a large kangaroo. Pretty crowded in here

You die on hills, you break your crown on hills- hills are not safe places to visit. Stay home, eat pizza.

"Employees Must Worship Hans." -Bathroom sign at Hans's Cult Restaurant

I need a Shazam-type app to identify what movie my neighbor is watching

What a great time to be alive for fans of existential fear and continuous rage

TODDLER AT 6 AM: Daddy wake up!
ME: WTF no why
ME AT 4 PM: Sweetie, naptime’s over, wake up
TODDLER: WTF no why

Ordered too much Chinese food for one person so had to do the whole charade of pretending there were other people in the house too, but oversold it and accidentally crafted a one act play about strained friendships and growing apart that is being heavily tipped for awards.

So many people are probably feeling this same combination of dread and rage and exhaustion and unrelated horniness

hey what’s up, thanks for coming by. yeah so just over there is the bedroom, then we’ve got the bathroom down the hall and there’s the kitchen. oh that? the human shape carved out in the wall? well; th-that’s my hole. it was made for me.

The personal computer was mistake. Computers should be huge and scary

Many of you will NOT be inheriting my chocolate factory, crossing people off left and right

You think I’m funny? Funny how? Like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? Oh wow, thank you so much actually. That’s all I was trying to do

In my opinion, fuck that, and furthermore, screw that, as well

Everyone’s mad at me for being cool and fun and using up the water supply

We’re getting rid of leaf blowers by eating 50 leaves a day each. Get out there

I hate it when I go to the dark gathering spot as directed by an ominous orb and the ground is once again littered with strangely shaped bones

Bad news on the court intrigue - you're now strongly associated with the "False Accuser" faction which is QUICKLY falling out of favour, all the while the star of the "Unwavering Loyalist" faction continues to rise.

What kind of soul numbing horseshit are we swimming in today

your honor, I believe it was Hoobastank who first said, “I’m not a perfect person”

I do not respect institutions or people, only bugs and cute animals

What they don't tell you is that Love Potions 1 through 8 killed 30 million people

A journey of a thousand miles begins with 4 disgusting yet delicious gas station snacks

remember, 4-5 fun size candy bar wrappers in the garbage can can easily be covered by a crumpled paper towel

Sick of everything sucking shit, or at least so many things, if not all

ketchup on fries: normal, delicious

ketchup on baked potato: demonic, what in the hell is wrong with you

I just want the best for all the horrible idiots everywhere