thomas

is anyone hiring software engineers? i have 3 years of experience (web dev backend at a start-up) and i would love nothing more than to reverse a linked list in place live in my code editor for your hiring manager

we’re gonna send u the money but it’s gonna be by carrier pigeon until u verify on our glibbleglob portal. it was designed by the first ever software engineer and all the language is in runes. the carrier pigeon is going to try to spit on you so be nimble and lithe

the idea that collecting unemployment is too easy is so funny. 1st time trying it & they’re like hey man u can do this but only if u send me a picture of ur birth certificate and ur social security card with ur panties pulled to the side. also u can only claim every fortnight or we find u and u die

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

love how people just will accidentally have a pet cat. they’ll be like yea he just knocked on my door one day and now he has his own bedroom. like what?? what was he doing before u? he was just some guy doing stuff? i need to know more. ur cat has a dark and mysterious past

me: time for some laundry :)

laundry machine: ok :)

me: ok time to dry :)

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

should just give you a rag with the meal tbh

guy who invented the burrito: check it out. convenient and tasty

chipotle: what if it was crazy wet

guy:

chipotle: like what if the second half of the burrito was just drippy as hell

I stg if these chestnuts were roasted over a closed fire I will lose my fucking mind

feels so fucking good to make small talk about the weather with strangers. “sure is cold out today” darn right it is!! “stay warm out there” aww you want little ol me to stay cozy 🥰 “heard it’s gonna warm up by the weekend” i love an optimist should we hang out

when religious people call your gay friends heathens it’s like no that’s not right. they’re actually he/thems

dracula with a guitar: anyvays heres vondervall

absolute thrill to give the pan a little shake while i’m cooking. no idea what the fuck i’m doing but it sure does make me feel fancy

me: i need to speak to the pilot

flight attendant: absolutely not

me: please it’s really important

flight attendant: fine *opens cockpit*

me: are we there yet

[a turtle walks by]

me: *holding back the guy who discovered pistachios* no dont do it

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: because of something my boss said

Interviewer: it says here you were fired

Me: that's the thing he said

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

trail mix without m&ms: what is this abomination of squirrel food

trail mix with a single m&m: now this is sustenance that will keep you going thru the whole day. it’s hiking time boys

really frustrating thing about talking to conservatives is they dont seem to possess any ability to understand that people are connected. like their barista can only make it to work bc of the bus driver who can only drive the bus bc their kid is at a day care etc. zero underlying reasoning ability

Coors: Our beer is so cold

Me: Is it good?

Coors: It’s fuckin FREEZING

someone call in a wellness check on the guy

hard to imagine the mental state of the dude who discovered wine. what do u mean ur stomping on grapes and leaving them to rot. did a grape kidnap ur wife

gotta play the hits for the new crowd

elon musk wakes up and blinks dirt out of his eyes. he crawls his way to the surface, his pale form leaving a slimy residue in his wake. he grasps for a notebook. “genius ideas” is scribbled across the front. he writes “make wheel more rounder?” and smiles. so smart

whale: im fish?

god: mammal

whale: how will i breathe

god: hole in head lol

sorry gonna have to charge you a $5 emergency administrative tax

uber eats: u look hungry

me: ya

uber eats: but ur so fuckin lazy

me: ya

uber eats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered

me: ya

disney exec: it’s about a guy who thinks he’s a monkey lol. probably don’t need anything too crazy for the soundtrack.

phil collins: [eyes glowing white, levitating above the ground] no

when a place makes u go thru 2 sets of doors to get in and one is a push door and the other is a pull, it’s like yesssss throw me for a loop. make a real fool out of me. trap me in your labyrinth. what am i but a meager jester performing for a chance to enter your distinguished establishment