Lily Smith

Whilst the police in London arrest blind pensioners in Wheelchairs for being anti-genocide, in Portsmouth the leader of UKIP makes a nazi salute at an anti migrant demo and the police do nothing. Welcome to Britain 2025.

Gone a bit Tank Girl around the hair. And bra.

Just for info, actual Scouse street.

Just had to cut my mum's toenails and am now seriously reconsidering my life choices.

"Ninjas! Disguised as a hedge!"

Bras. What are they good for? Absolutely nothing (say it again).

Copilot has taken to giving me summaries of my work instead of just opening the fucking spreadsheet.

Checking through vintage magazines today - welcome to 'Chums' from November 1933, when 'Young Hitlerites' were still considered as a sort of scout movement.

I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

I always find it disheartening when I make a good sale, then realise I'll just put the proceeds towards my mountainous credit card debt. Like the man just ran off with my £500.

I could be out binge drinking and instead I just spent an hour listening to mum's friend complain about her bowels.

McDonald's side mission ad doesn't make me want McDonald's (I'd be surprised if anything could), but it does make me want to watch the Buffy episode with the spontaneously combusting cheerleader.

I've done nothing today and I'm absolutely knackered.

Tastes like chicken

I know it's cooled down a bit, but I'm still sweating so much that it's chapping my eyelid hinges

I got that poster! It (and the video) will still be knocking about the house somewhere.

Like anyone goes out for emergency kumquats.

Mum's turning up the volume on the telly, like it's going to make the subtitles bigger.

Mum just had a call on her mobile; "I am from Indeed and would like to discuss a job with you, please add my number on WhatsApp."
Mum is 97.

That's not a combination of words I ever thought I'd use.

There's nothing like starting the day with a prolapsed tortoise cock crisis.

Not sure if flu counts, but that took the longest.

Since I brought down all the stuff to do some lino prints, I've defrosted the freezer, cleaned the oven, had flu, and cleared the weeds between the paving using a screwdriver. There's nothing like a bit of procrastination.

Ad for Black Mirror in Invasion of the Bodysnatchers

..the tail passes through, but you only really check that if you can't tell from the dip in the lower shell and the longer tail.

Anyway, joke's on me, because he just flashed me in the bath.

A few years ago, I was given 2 tortoises whose owner couldn't look after them anymore. I was told that the smaller one was male, but when I got a good look I wasn't convinced. The lower shell was flat, and the tail was short. The only part that looked male was the opening in the shell that...

Bloody bossy fan

Bloody bossy lettuce

Ok, but how many people want a Trump themed yarn bowl?

"We need a native American - call Howard Keel!"