DasAutoCitron

good one

I guess we can start calling them taroffs again.

Are my fellow Millennials truly so uncultured, they don't know our equivalent of 'Twelve Days of Christmas' is ..

'Because I Got High'?

i emailed your boss screenshots of you dunking on my parasocial best friend’s absolute dogshit takes about star wars please respond

i can't make room for a midlife crisis i haven't even finished my being alive crisis

my god-given talent is losing items in a one bedroom apartment

thinking about that time i pulled an ab muscle trying to win a stuffed crab from a crane machine

General strike but everybody gets completely sober. That will show em, c'mon everybody!

Y'know something?

Trying to watch a Mehdi Hassan-interview while having the mother of all panic attacks is a shit idea.

Fine. They needed a new pope.

But couldn't they have chosen someone other than the guy who's using his fucking zodiac sign, like some basic Millennial white bitch.

Nice lymph nodes babe

I had to go on Facebook for something.

Now I hate everything.

A screenshot of a tweet and a quote tweet. The original tweet is from an account called did I upset you who is replying to an unseen post by Cooperstreaming. It says You're disabled. Cooper streaming quote tweets with a picture of herself lying on her side with her long brown hair curled and flowing down past the frame of the photo, meaning up on her elbow with a camping cup in her hand and reusable straw in her mouth, with a wide smile as if she is laughing. Above the photo she writes, Oh my God. What? Call the New York times.

This remains one of my all-time favorite Twitter interactions.

A co-worker wanted me to watch The Dentist.

If the dog dies, I'm not watching that movie!

He knows what Rome is. Rome is the mob.

Conjure magic for them, and they're distracted. Take away their freedom, and still they roar. The beating heart of Rome is not the marble of the senate. It's the sand of the Colosseum

He'll bring them death. And they'll love him for it

This is what happens when you defund public media

Huh. I always assumed that where my perfume allergy came from.

But I'll buy this.

Sound thinking.

You never know when you're gonna need one.

Bought a second virginity on Temu

If you're driving an Audi from 2006 while wearing a backwards baseball cap, I'm going to assume that your gearshift and at least one of your seats is being held together by duct tape.

Farrier is the single most properly masculine job where you have to wear a skirt that's somehow also assless chaps.

I grew up in a lingo-fascist household, honey.

No need for apologies, but English is my second language 🫠

Fine. So it should not be a headline that I can make immediate sense of.

Sure, but he'll make excemptions on tarriffs for tiny baby coffins.

He is a generous God.