Chris Patterson

Spoiler alert:

I use dark humor as a deflection tactic. Please, don't take everything I say so seriously.

🤷🏾‍♂️

Anyway... I cracked my jokes for the day.

I'm going to take the rest of the day off.

You be nice to each other until I get back!

8.2 billion people on the planet and these straights keep making more of them.

Don't ever elect me as President. Because I will send some of you to outer space to transform Mars-

I SAID, LET ME FINISH! 🤣

There are 8.2 billion people on this planet.

That's enough.

We don't need anymore. This planet cannot sustain the shere numbers-

LET ME FINISH!

I woke up and chose, "(Bleep) them kids! They're a drain on our resources."

Obviously, I'm in a good mood... 🤣

Be honest here!

If I have a kid, then that kid is going to have a LOT of mental health issues.

And 99.9% will come from my side of the gene pool...

I look forward to the day when people stop asking me, "When you having kids, Chris?!"

Do you have 100K?

Otherwise, Shut the (bleep) up!

I don't *want* another one of me... 🤣

*Looks around*

The (bleep) y'all looking at?! *Charlie Murphy voice*

I'm a simple man.

I see Charlie Hunnam? I click...

Me jealous of bf. Me happy about Whole Foods. 🤣

Have a wonderful day, my degenerates. 💕

I have a lot of meetings today.

You be nice to somebody until I get back.

I will ground you...

"What is my purpose?"

Me: "You write scripts for no money."

*Looks at myself*

"Oh, My God!"

Yea, Welcome to the club, Pal...

RIP Jane Goodall.

*Tips hat*

She taught me how to love monkeys...

Fun fact: I LOVE Chimpanzees.

Being a writer is my main purpose in this life.

And I take great pride in that...

Further disclosure:

I wrote my first pilot at nineteen. I rewrote this pilot SEVEN FRIGGING TIMES since then.

Now? Oh, Now I have more material...

*Cracks knuckles*

Allow me to explain.

I have a goal in this life. That goal is to write 100 scripts.

I'm on 85. I have been stuck on 85 for almost three years now.

I had to go back and read my own writing in order to figure it out.

My next series? Well! I wrote it at age nineteen...

Today, I celebrated.

Tomorrow, I get back to work.

I have finally discovered how to write the next fifteen scripts without losing my friggin' mind!

Am I insane? Yes! But we'll get back to that after lunch...

Free hit.

Ask me any questions you want about the last Twelve days.

I'm watching Archer...

Stop scaring the women away.

You do realize they repopulate the entire planet? Right?

...

Right?!

Where have I been for the last Twelve days?

YELLING IN THERAPY!

*Sees an Incel*

Boy, If you don't get yo ass to therapy, I'm showing your mom your browser history. I swear to God! 🤣

Today marks a very special day for me.

One year ago today, I returned to freelance writing. I work for the highest bidder. Literally, I just need money.

Four years ago, I returned to therapy.

Men? Go to (bleeping) therapy.

Y'all scaring the (bleeps) away...

*Chugs beer*

Hiiiii! 👋🏾

Guess who's back?

Back again...

an open sign hangs in a round window ALT: an open sign hangs in a round window

Friends: "See you soon, Chris."

Me: "WE'RE CLOSED! GET OUT!"

a woman in sunglasses is holding a cup of coffee and saying `` we 're done ... shut it down '' . ALT: a woman in sunglasses is holding a cup of coffee and saying `` we 're done ... shut it down '' .

I will be taking some time away for mental health reasons.

October is *never* an easy month for me.

Be nice to each other until I get back...

Tell me something positive about your life and I will return the favor by saying something positive in return...

Go on and make some grits.

Go on! Go on!

peter griffin is sitting in the middle of a crowd of people with the word done on the bottom right ALT: peter griffin is sitting in the middle of a crowd of people with the word done on the bottom right

FB is turning into obituaries for Millennials...

Tell your friends you love them.

Before it's too late...

Sigh...

Tell your friends you love them.

Every time I log on FB, I find out someone I was friends with is gone. Tell your friends you love them before it is too late.

I mean this is literally. Call your homies up and tell them I said so.

RIP, Matthew. I'll miss you, man...

Me happy. Me eat Bacon. Good morning! 💕