garbage cock🏅

[in the bedroom]

HIM: are you ready

ME: yeah baby give it to me

HIM: ok i call this one ‘the melon baller’

ME: oh…um…

HIM: you said you wanted me to be more creative

ME: no yeah um ball my melon—wait is it top melons or why are you, you’re doing ass things ok

HIM: ASS CAN BE MELON

I accidentally microwaved a spider for 32 seconds, and it didn't die. Fuck.

I'm no longer baffled the dark ages occurred

Call me daddy and we can do a coloring book together.

examine me, sure, np, but like some of the me adjacent things ain't ever gone make sense

no one understands

Well, I guess it’s time to come clean. I work for Interpol and you’re all under arrest.

"the potato goes in the front"

Netflix exec: “I need to figure out who is going to host this reality dating show!”

Guy that badly damaged his brain in 1999 and can only say the words Nick Lachey: “Nick Lachey”

Exec: “Wow, you are amazing”

Say what you will about life, but at the end of the day, it’s night.

You say staying alive out of spite like it's a bad thing

Yeah but it's a whimsical nihilism

In most songs, if you substitute "porking" for "fucking" it really changes it up

get you a girl that's all "who is she?!?"

my work here is done

the green duolingo owl raising its little wing and saying “let’s review your mistakes”

there isn’t enough time in the known universe to accomplish this task

I have a very particular set of skills.

*sinks to the bottom of the ocean

If you didn’t wanna hear about me sniffing my girlfriend’s panties, you shouldn’t have asked me what I’m up to tonight, Geoff.

Save time and energy by disappearing into a bog.

take my hand, it’s time to kitchen dance

watch out tortellini is in retrograde this month

Draggin' the Line Tommy James & The Shondells · Celebration: The Complete Roulette Recordings 1966-1973 · Song · 2021

and the bright sunshine

open.spotify.com/track/22QMzo...

Thankful I bought a broom right before these sweeping tariffs

really should have opted for exactly what i got

"we live and learn" no that is not for sure

maybe i will give myself chills about it, what then

If you say itch when you mean scratch I won't correct you but my esteem for you will be irrevocably diminished.

i don't want to be disrespectful but it's so hard you guys

lurking, but stylish-like