mole brawl

🌅

Also every single day of my life I regret not buying the insane asylum sign in my header pic it was $60 though

2022 I CANT READ!

Dug up 2019 urban zoology class notes and they’re very funny actually

Bath. Apple. iPad. Yaoi guys getting tortured. For once I do not want to die on a Sunday night

I go to my notes app now thank you captive audience. Dismissed

It was easier to think of myself as an animal because if I’m a bad animal it would make sense for people to hurt me (?????) do not be alarmed we are Working on IT!!!

It’s a lot better than it was which was just ignoring that I had a body but it’s a mess still it’s a messssss… I think a moment when I realized it was kind of out of control was when my therapist told me to look at myself when I was a kid and asked if I recognized myself in her and I was like ?no

My confidence is very… err idk how to put it like. I like how I look because it’s cute and looks like my fursona. Like how I draw my fursona. I am confident until anyone asks me to go into specifics then I’m like. Uh. I uhhh. Look like a cute animal girl!????

Turns out being dehumanized as a child… dehumanizes you…!

I thought my self esteem was pretty good until I started therapy and she asked me if I recognize myself as a person or something on the same standing as a person and I went “lol no???” And she was like ummm!

Perhaps the Emil deserves to live like a person all the time instead of an animal (bad) it’s more like animal person (good)

Took a full bath with bubbles and fancy things I’d been saving (hoarding) and ate an apple while watching iPad in the bath and like I think my therapist is on to something

The Emil is stuck in a very loud room helppp help meeee heeeelp

Ouuggghhhh

Update I ate 3 really good apples

Therapist pointed that out and I was like ohhhhh that’s not good is it… and she was like well………😬

Where did my post go!

I don’t think I became fully conscious and not dissociating 24/7 until community college/like 2019 like yeah that’s the Emil… Emil was formed..

However what I don’t like is my memories of college are already starting to get a little fuzzy. Stop that Now. Now right now

I started taking it bc of college and I think I just powered thru it bc it was either draw or drop out and I was like Hell no

I didn’t know Lexapro was making me into a husk until rn bc I can draw and cry again

I think I’ve drawn every day for a week now it’s seriously been actual years since this happened everyone clap

My previous desk broke in the move and I just haven’t been able to get a new one yet (no room+money) I’m so tired of only being able to to art on my bedddd

I miss my watercolors soo much I want a desk so badddd

I usually only play dessert diy which I am maxed out in but I am
Branching out

Emils love YouTube playables

I’m getting better w/ controlled exposure and recontextualizing w my therapist but I’m not at the point where I can just look at it without being in the right mindset u know but you keep drawing that have fun

I get sad when I see art that I would love but it has stuff related to my ptsd triggers so I’m like. Fuck…!!!! I would love to follow u but I wouldn’t be able to even look at half ur art….!!!

Insurance holding my $400 I got overcharged for a month on therapy hostage give me that I need it