Maya Matcha A.K.A. That Fat Puppy🏳️‍⚧️💚

It fucking counts, Im calling that being in the 240s. I haven't seen the 240s since early 2018 when I initially started getting into gaining back then. I peaked at about 295lbs late 2018, so to be back down in this territory feels like a personal victory

Pretzel™️

Carry yourself with the confidence of a mediocre white cis man when going for jobs you don't feel qualified for. They do it all the time, I've tried it myself and somehow it works heh

Really hope this job hunt can come to a close soon for you 🫂

Muzzled.
#bloodmoon #deadlock

God I wish I would have told them to get fucked in that moment, like honestly. I wish I had the self respect to talk to them like how they talk to me instead of letting them beat me down over and over and over

One last thing

In a rant recently my ex said that they had burnt out all of their friends asking for the support they needed that I took away from them WOW CRAZY ALMOST LIKE I WAS DOING ALL OF THAT FOR YOU PREVIOUSLY AND GOT SO BURNT OUT THAT I STOPPED LIVING FOR ME AND LOST ALL SIGHT OF MYSELF

I've been missing him so much, he would know exactly what to do and I just wish I could talk to him

I just want to curl up in a ball and let this pass so bad. I keep hearing my dad ask me years ago "when did your life get so complicated" and like HONESTLY I DONT FUCKING KNOW MY GUY

And I can't ask him for advice on how to handle this as brain cancer ripped him away from me almost 2 years ago

And now here I am staring down the barrel of working alternating 40 hour and 50 hour work weeks to make up enough income to offer support to them.

I had been the primary source of income for us for over 6 years up until this point. AND I spent the last 3-ish years being the laborer and transportation for her art business helping with vending events on the regular. Income that came in from them felt heavily dependent on me giving my weekends up

WHY WOULD I WILLINGLY SIGN SOMETHING LIKE THAT

Like, I'm willing to offer support how I can in an amount that's more reasonable. My ex is disabled and has been working on getting on disability and I know their financial situation is rough.

I've been trying to write this email for the last 3 hours and I keep falling apart the second I try to get anything down. mostly too because I KNOW THAT I'M ACTUALLY NOT LEGALLY OBLIGATED TO PROVIDE ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF RESOLVING SHARED ASSETS OR DEBT WHICH IS ALREADY HAPPENING

I'm just fucking losing my mind.

I'm supposed to have an email to my ex and the mediator written by the end of tonight and I haven't gotten anything down yet because every time I read my ex's last email it's triggering all of these fucked emotions at once

Stack that with my ex going after me for support, struggling to meet that amount, feeling like I couldn't advocate for myself in mediation out of fear for my safety while still living with them, and the constant reassurance that they are going to sue me if I don't willingly sign a support agreement.

I wish I could say I was surprised, but I'm more just disappointed in myself for trusting them yet again to only end up in the same position. Their support sometimes feels like it's conditional on how convenient it makes them feel, and they offer thing simply to feel good about themselves

The only victory in my self care is that I'm consistently maintaining my hygiene so I'll take that.

Also, the support I was offered by family around finances to be able to move into an apartment that was a bit pricier than I wanted to pay has been rescinded with no warning or reason

And then rebuilding confidence and pushing back, only to be subtly made to believe I'm crazy and broken down again has left me in such a fragile state. I'm barely taking care of myself adequately, my sleep is fucked, and I'm so overworked and overstressed.

Because like seriously, what's the fucking point. The moment I try to stand up for myself and advocate for myself I get shut down so aggressively by them and then mind gamed into believing every thing they say about me. The whiplash from being broken down, berated...

I want to fucking scream into the void until I lose my voice. Navigating my separation from my ex has been the most exhausting, tiring, frustrating, tedious, agonizing, and fucking maddening thing I could have never imagined.

I just want to say fuck it and fully turn in to the villain they say I am

Welp I had suspicions the new fridge was running too cold. I had even already turned it down a bit. Fuck 😭

positive attention <3

When I get through this next week I will try to start responding to y'all. I have an endless amount of appreciation for those of you that have continued to offer me patience and understanding while I've been struggling the last couple years and ESPECIALLY recently

To any friends that have been trying to reach me, I am alive and otherwise safe. I'm really not doing well and not quite in a place where I feel safe to release and seek support for it right now as I need to make a lot of progress on my move this weekend.

a close up of a man with a beard says hello there ALT: a close up of a man with a beard says hello there

Hard agree

Well shit, I might be signing a lease on a studio apartment this week 🤞

Later guys-my rides here

Okay I got myself a new top for Christmas and I am LOVING it 💚💚

Okay I got myself a new top for Christmas and I am LOVING it 💚💚

Dang it how is she so cute 🥺

i love animorphs