shenai

i want to be right more and i think i have begun to accept the only way to do that is to just be wrong but like really fast

hm ok that might be the essay. shoutouts to tweets, which are good for very few things but longform work skeletonization is one of em...

i.e. probably the relationship between my pain and others' pain is complicated and in no means hierarchical... and also I am responsible for my pain and they theirs but aren't we all on this earth to bear each others' burdens when we can

reading that back is real corny but it is true... growing up I feel like I constantly oscillated between "my pain is the worst pain in the world" and "my pain is nothing compared to everyone else's pain" but, idk, to quote my friend, "reality has SO MUCH DETAIL"

I want to be writing an essay right now but I am spoonless... however I have been chewing on the idea of how lately when I am in a room I'm often thinking about how people are interacting in ways that sprout from some hidden pain

i'm kind of always thinking about that part in fun home where alison bechdel is describing her childhood of OCD rituals (which, girl, same) and how she got rid of them in a frankly OCD-like fashion (scheduling deliberate abberations) and like if that's what it takes then that's what it takes tbh

my therapist told me to experiment with trying less hard so this week i am going to try so hard to try less hard 👍

!! similarly hydration & good ergonomics & regular exercise have been good for me, but i'm not always good at showing up for myself in those ways 😅 thx for the reminder & encouragement to see a dr though :)

I do think about my life before and it sort of feels like, unattainable now, the speed I was going at then? hmm... a visit to the dr may be in the cards soon

most days it's managable but that's also partially because I've structured my life the last few years (I think it started ~April/May 2022?) to make it managable (taking less classes, doing less, etc.)... come to think of it I did get covid the winter before

I don't have identical symptoms but I also have some nightmare cocktail of inflammatory / autoimmune / arthritic flavored pain, so I feel you :( my current self diagnosis is some kinda psoriatic arthritis but I haven't super had the spoons to Go To A Doctor about it yet

girl who is so good at managing everyone else's emotions discovers polyamory: omg yay extra credit <3

You aren’t actually supposed to swim upstream all the time in life and it feels so weird to keep coming to this realization from time to time

reading braiding sweetgrass and ada limón's most recent poetry collection on the plane and crying every other paragraph/stanza... feeling very much like this quote about soul-world close contact

YouTube video by Rogier van Wegberg Jazzbass 1962 vs Precision 1961

i know this is just supposed to be a bass demo but it is pretty sick to hear rocco prestia/james jamerson type bass playing on carly rae jepsen lmao

www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3U-...

buying things should first and foremost be about engaging with someone else's craftsmanship/humanity

got a banjo for christmas… next on my list of esoteric string instruments to learn is mandolin

double emailing is so embarrassing but thats just the state of my job search rn

attach it to the wall and have it control all my lights and maybe a projector and sound system but the only exposed hooks are like "slider that controls the degree to which your apartment has the perfect vibe for sitting in the bath and listening to the playlists you made when you were 15 "

it is basically not fun to make basic voice agents anymore after o1 so i think my next step is to make a weird tangible interface with silly knobs and sliders, all ceramic and hardwood

thinking about turning my open source home assistant project into a weirder more bespoke "stage management for the home" system

not now babe i'm reading substack posts and trying to speedrun self actualization