Jade the GTAsoldier

Sigh…

So many people have left this earth in 2025.

Among them are Kimberly Hébert Gregory, former Congresswoman Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick, Diane Keaton, and now, D’Angelo.

May God give comfort and strength to their families and all who loved them.

Good morning. I hope y’all have a good week.

This needs no context.

I could be the safest person to be around. However, that won’t mean a damn thing if my family says or does anything (even inadvertently) that will cause any harm and make the space unsafe.

I really dislike how weird Christians get when discussing sex, sex work and sex workers of all kinds. It's more disheartening when the judgmental, wh*rephobic & puritan-like language comes from the self-professed "liberal" or "progressive" types as compared to the conservatives.

I’m not sure. Most of the abuse occurred when I was working retail work in my 20s when I encountered horrible adults and my 1st IT job dealing with rude college kids that same decade. I couldn’t afford to fight back even when I desired to, although “turning the other cheek” does show restraint.

Being told to “love/pray for my enemies” as someone who’s been verbally abused multiple times at such a pivotal point in my life is what kickstarted my faith deconstruction. To me: it normalized the abuse to the point where I felt like God was playing games with me.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. If you're the praying type, please throw up some prayers for understanding and guidance. If not, please keep me in your thoughts as I reflect on this.

In the end, I don’t want to stop doing the right thing in life in general. But sometimes I feel like doing the “right thing” may mean forfeiting what I have for people I will never know. I just don’t want to do the right thing in vain.

Was I being a self-indulgent narcissist & manipulator for most of my life? How can/will I atone for this? Is all human interaction manipulation?

I’m sure there are people in my life who will rejoice the day my soul leaves my body just as much as there are those who will mourn.

I’ve had malicious, homicidal & suicidal thoughts cross my mind when I get frustrated and angry with others and myself. I don’t share this with my loved ones in real life because of how stubborn, prickish & judgmental they can be.

It’s just hard wanting to do good by people when I feel like a loser sometimes who deserves suffering because my heart & mind get fucked up.

My limited interactions with people outside of my job & family in the real world isn’t helping either and I’m approaching my mid 30s while everyone my age are already starting families.

This isn’t something I can just “fix” by going to therapy in order to be fully accepted as a productive member of society.

There’s a feeling deep inside of me that’s afraid that any of the goodness I have done for myself or others won't be worth a damn. Whether if it’s in the sight of God or men, I’m afraid of being discounted or rejected because some wickedness gets magnified more than any amount of charity.

I have a problem. It’s called low-key despair. There’s some rambling involved.

Enough thought slop. I’m going to bed. Good night. 💤

I’m not responsible for what others do. But sometimes, I feel like I am when I don’t feel like I’m doing enough to prevent harm and injustice.

The frustration of having lingering malice inside my heart is worse than any sin I could commit with my words, deeds & inaction. IDK.

Everybody is just reaching for excuses to murder and and to succumb to animal behavior at the expense of each other. It’s sickening.

I don’t like feeling lonely. However, my social anxiety outside of work and general trauma-induced misanthropy makes it easier for me to keep my distance from people who would prove not to be good for me. Either that, or I’m a dork with niche interests.

Sometimes, I feel like God made a mistake creating humanity because of all the horrid shit we do to each other on a daily basis. Barely anything is being done about it to correct that and it’s making me lose hope.

You can’t stop me from doing good for people unless you kill me.

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That's not to say I condemn anybody for resisting oppression the way they do. I get it completely. For me, personally: I only have feelings for the civilians, press and the youth affected by the world crises. A dem have mi support because a dem a suffer the most.

I'm not in the business to promote any kind of bloodshed from anybody. If anybody wanna go a a war, a fi dem problem. I'm in the business of equal rights, justice and accountability. Not no bloodclaat murder & violence begetting violence.

Supporting relief efforts & charities that are designed to actually aid people to survive another day is what I'm going to keep doing. Ain't no goddamn body is gonna take that away from me.

I will always stand for what is right. I'm not going to stop amplifying voices of oppressed peoples because of bad actors, losers & bullies who would rather waste energy attacking people over menial bullshit compared to attacking oppressors actually causing the harm.

I hate the feeling of embarrassment so much. It makes my heart ache.

I feel like nobody is actively listening to each other much anymore and holding space. It’s just reactionary responses, trauma projections, invalidating each other’s feelings and little-to-no nuance. Does anyone else feel the same?