Mark Shyzer

Airbnb with this good and safe feature auto suggesting hosts use guest’s phone numbers as door codes. Like the bank suggesting you use your birthday as your PIN so you remember it. And hey if you meet someone on vacation and get their phone number you may already have access to their accommodations!

The prehistoric shark found in a suburban town in Scotland The fossil was so complete experts could see remains of the last meal it ate, 330 million years after it died.

At least now I don’t have to worry about dropping my shark on my face when I’m using it in bed

I was going to send another one last November but never did because it seemed too bleak. The equivalent of doing a smug little bit in 1933, “Our deepest sympathies for your l̷o̷s̷s̷ ℛ𝑒𝒾𝒸𝒽𝓈𝓉𝒶𝑔 𝒻𝒾𝓇𝑒”

What a dumb sport

When you're just trying to leave the bathhouse

This is the liquor cabinet equivalent of double spacing your essay and setting the font size to 16

Decollataga dentata

A woman lies in bed eating chocolates and clutching a gun

Me when I say I'm going to bed early

Is anyone even named Corky anymore

Just learned that lol stands for 'laugh out loud' and not 'the face from Home Alone'

Squirrel ate the three year old pomegranate bush I grew from seed

He also just looks that way

I tried screaming it but you couldn’t hear me

Hell is other people singing karaoke

Why would Doug Ford ghost me like that
#ontario

Today I had to buy flip flops and an ice scraper and it’s really got me missing Honest Ed’s

If you work for a federal agency and have information about what’s happening contact me via Signal. I’m not a journalist I just love office gossip

You know you can’t reach my forehead

I keep trying

Next vehicle notification signs will say anything. “511 Bathurst 2 mins”. No it’s not. That isn’t true.

Like I just want real time info on the nearest vehicles, I don’t need to know when it’s time to start tying my shoes or how many people are on the bus and whether their morale is good

What are we using for TTC info these days? All I want is to see when the next streetcar is coming. But like actually

Try to live your life so people don’t assume you’re dead once you stop being an outspoken bigot, I guess

Keeping her fool mouth shut?

Started a new NYE tradition where I turn all the bananas in my freezer into banana bread before the end of the year (this was 15 bananas). Now I feel my slate is truly clean

Gotta hand it to Johnny Cash for doing The Little Drummer Boy but opting out of that parum pum pum pum bullshit

Ohh they’re like *scared* scared

I love you
You love me
Oh the hu-u-manity