Rice_Cracker

Bless the guy who threw a Subway sandwich at a fascist stormtrooper. 😂

an afternoon cup of coffee isn’t enough to pep me up today i need to be slapped around by those huge soapy strips at the car wash

P*ss me off and I’ll fill your leaf blower with green glitter.
Your yard will look like Tinkerbell stood on a landmine.

Drinking 8-10 cups of coffee before lunchtime every day is a great way to enter a physical state that normally only applies to tachyons

Tried to explain what a labubu is to my grandpa and he shot me in the leg

when the drummer messes up the intro to "proxima centauri"

Things I’d rather do than apartment hunt in LA:
-sit under a giant’s hat and be their Erin-ouille.
-walk into a forest and hope a species raises me as their own.
-dissolve into the ether at night so I don’t need a home at all.
-jump to a parallel universe where I can live with myself as my roommate.

I dreamed I was going to die—cancer they said. So I went to see the wick man, because the wick man could put your soul into a wick, and then your children could talk to you when it burned

But when the X-rays came back, the cancer wasn’t in me, it was in the world & no one was left to make the wicks

Good heaven's!

Apartheid Clyde a petty, dangerous, incompetent man but what always amuses me is how no one likes him and he can’t even buy his way into getting people to like him. He can’t buy a good sense of humor or good looks or good reputation.

Crawford: Today, Wisconsinites fended off an unprecedented attack on our democracy, our fair elections, and our Supreme Court.. Wisconsin stood up and said that justice does not have a price, our courts are not for sale

When I see a post with the comments grayed, I assume I was shown it in error and by reading it I'm eavesdropping on a private conversation so I mute the author to prevent it from happening again.

I refer to growing up in the acid rain/ quicksand/impending nuclear conflict era as being "classically trained" in generalized anxiety

*very slowly and quietly locks front door deadbolt*

Having stoners answer customer service calls is so effective. My grocery delivery got stolen (so I'm mad) so I called the store & some dude was like "Seriously? Damn, what the fuck" and I was like "Right? Dude, I know" and he's like "Fuck dude, let me get this fixed" and I was like "Bro, thank you."

my new theory is that once you have a certain amount of money and wealth you start to go crazy and detach from reality. that number is different for everyone. for me it's $20

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Do not mess with librarians. They let complete strangers borrow their books. For a living. Even the hardcovers. They are so much stronger than you know.

My printer is 'not detected'? Really? Then how do you 'detect' that it needs ink? Oh, I saw that pop-up. Didn't think I'd call you out, did u

I never buy Oreos because then I'll eat the Oreos,
so instead I look in my pantry every day and I'm
disappointed that I don't have any Oreos.

~a tragic personal memoir

They cant get my data if i am Fully Dissolved in a bath tub full of sodium hydroxide

I’ve been drinking coffee since I was 8. We didn’t have a coffee maker. Everyone else drank tea. I drank instant coffee & loved it. Drank it non-stop.

Years later, my mom had half a cup, got wired & was like “you’ve been doing this every day?!?”

Coffee was only for special occasions after that.