YouCleanItUp

No I’m not “hard of hearing,” I’m hard-on hearing. Got my dick stuck in my ear.

Graph with negative numbers and a red arrow on a downward slope

Unilever is discontinuing this account due to our rapidly tanking stock price. We apologize to everyone we offended, with the exception of Hain Celestial Group.

Don't listen to those smug cocksuckers over at Procter & Gamble with their "Tide pod" bullshit. Persil is good enough. Your mom uses it to clean the smegma out of her panties, FYI.

Sure, the countless hours you've spent applying Unilever sunscreen may prevent skin cancer, but you'll die in a fiery car wreck anyway. Say goodbye to your loved ones while you still have a chance. Unilever.

They say there's more than one way to skin a cat, and here at #Unilever we discovered 94 of them conducting animal tests on a new lip balm.

Unilever beauty products are colored glop you rub on your exterior. Sure, it won't fix what's inside of you... but will anything? Unilever: Life is meaningless, and you're ugly™️

"Grok? Make a state of the union for me."
"Okay."

Are your sandwiches dry as a camel's ass? Don't worry; Unilever has all the #condiments you need, like mayonnaise, ketchup, and Vaseline.

Do you purchase and use Unilever soaps and cleaning products, or are you a filthy piece of shit? Let us know in the replies!

Unilever logo

We are proud to announce that this account has been acquired by the Unilever Corporation.

Mark Zuckerberg is following me around and collecting my personal information. Can anyone help?

Experts are saying that by the year 2035 most of us will be taking waterslides to get to work. #commuting

It’s called ManMenuing and it’s the hot new eating disorder that’s just for men.

Painting of Napoleon

If Napoleon was alive today, he'd be dead by now. #history

Microsoft Copilot circa 2026

Microsoft Clippy circa 1997

Reject modernity. Embrace tradition.

Hell yeah I support LAW enforcement!
L. LEGOs
A. and
W. weed

Wearing JNCOs to hide my embarrassing toe shoes.

Hail storms are underrated; you just stick a cup out the window and it's like a free ice machine.

Pierre: "These meats are spoiled"

Poor Mark. I'd say New threw him under the bus here, but we all know how New is with buses.

Betty Crocker? More like Betty-Crock-of-Shit, am I right?

Stonehenge

Upscale home patio BBQ

Scientists have uncovered evidence that Stonehenge was likely a BBQ pit, part of a larger "man cave" complex.

Sigh... these days I need prescription-strength jelly beans.

From the TimAndEric community on Reddit: Bob Odenkirk and Jack Black perform at Tim’s 50th birthday party! Explore this post and more from the TimAndEric community

Jack Black joined in too! www.reddit.com/r/TimAndEric...

Doctor says the appendix removal went well but I’ll need to have my table of contents updated.

Since stuffed animals aren't alive, if you think about it, Puppy Surprise would have been exactly the same product if all the puppies had been stillborn.

THIS SUMMER.
(singing) Take a look...
Nicolas Cage: No... NOOOOO!!
(singing) It's in a book...
*children scream*
(singing) A Dreading Rainbow!
Tilda Swinton: Calm down, children. We're almost at the end.
DREADING RAINBOW. RATED R.
(singing) I can go anywhere...

TIRED: Strapping on a headset to jack into the "metaverse."
WIRED: Shoving beef jerky up your ass to jack into the "meataverse."

Bud Cort dressed as a judge on "Bud Cort," a show-within-a-show on Arrested Development.

RIP Bud Cort, gone to that great cortroom in the sky.

Greg Gutfeld

Tim will be the next Greg Gutfeld, mark my words!