Check out our new issue, on a campus wall near you! Including updates on new fees, "angry Jesus," and gold bars in the Chandler sub-basement!
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Breaking News: Demolition of New The Western™ Business School scheduled day after celebratory dedication of new The Western™ Business School!

Who Will Pay for New Blimps? “Oh, the Humanities!” Screams Todd Stewart The Western™ Athletics and Student Experience leaders implemented a series of cuts and strategic investments in response to the budget shortfalls announced recently by President Tim Cabaloney. “We …

Re-post Wednesday: New fieldhouse unveiled!

Faculty Submit DOGE-Inspired “Weekly Productivity Letters” Recently, the Kentucky General Assembly passed a law mandating that university faculty be evaluated for “productivity” and fired if they are unproductive. To comply, The Western™ consulted with Elo…

Breaking news on “faculty productivity letters,” read up!

“Clogging to Greater Orgasms?” Strategic Plan Rename Underway The Department of Education has informed The Western™ that it must abandon its strategic plan, “Climbing to Greater Heights,” because it sounds too much like the title of a Black spiritual and scar…

“Clogging to Greater Orgasms?” Check out the latest updates on the Strategic Plan rename.

Sleepy Gatton Computer Science Student Makes Typo, Invents “CAT-GPT” Lewis Mertz, a 16 year-old freshman at the Gatton Academy of Science, Wizardry, and Enduring Virginity mistakenly let loose upon the world a new software program, “CAT-GPT,” which immediately began…

Check out The Western™'s latest tech monetization scheme. Meow!

Carboni Credits His “Music Years in New Orleans” for Award Earlier this month, the Kentucky Music Educators Association named President Carboni the Music Administrator of the Year. The group cited Carboni’s “notable creative genius” in financing the Marchi…

Read up! Caboni accepts arts admin award.

Website Scrubbing Commences at The Western™! Faculty across The Western™ received stern emails and angry shin-kicks this week from university attorney Anita Subpoena that ordered them to scrub any departmental web pages deemed questionable by…

Breaking DEI news, read all about it!

A Special Message from new The Western™ Film Program Director, Donald Trump. “Good evening, my fellow Hilltoppers. I have decided to take over the WOKE film major here at The Western™ WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT! For far too long, liberal instructors in the School of FAILING Medi…

Special announcement!

The Western’s™ Peppy the Frog® Joined by New Mascot Brands The Western™ recently added the hilarious and loveable Peppy the Frog® to its branding stable. “It’s important that our symbols and brands reflect the spirit and values of our institution and its f…

Breaking news: mascot branding! bigredtool.wordpress.com/2025/02/10/t...

DEI and Non-White Colors Removed from Student Gov. Charter, Color Wheel The Western’s™ Student Lover-Mint Ass-Ocean Nation has revealed that they are now legally subject to all federal executive orders issued by the President of the United States. “Golly gosh,” declare…

More breaking news, and Elon Musk is involved, so it must be important! bigredtool.wordpress.com/2025/02/08/d...

“Fighting Dick” and Other Renaming Initiatives Announced In a 3am news release from Truth Social, the White House announced the following name changes to American landmarks. Henceforth on Google Maps, Mar a Lago shall be known as “Surf n’ Turf,” the Rock…

Nice to see you on Bluesky! Here’s our latest breaking news update!

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