Springtime for Aido

We're living in a scenario in which the world will be willing to pretend the US President has won a war he hasn't won, because humouring the mad cunt is the least terrible of available options.

Well done everybody

Yeah that account that does all those videos about what a big scaredy girl Dave is was all over it this morning.

It would be a bestseller Peeps!

Could an empire in decline do THIS? *launches deeply unpopular invasion cementing status as lunatic-led pariah state, its not clear what kind of move i was trying to do*

Yeah they should make a game like that! One where you're some sort of punk.

That's right, yes.

I still haven't found the make-all-enemies-blind-and-deaf setting on Outlaws yet 😭😭😭

They just don't cater to us top gamers any more Peeps.

PEOPLE are often asked what their dream job is. Mine would be third choice goalkeeper for a Premier League Team. Getting paid a fair old wedge to sit and watch football in great seats while knowing there's not much chance your boss is going to call on you really ticks all my boxes. If this magazine's editor happens to be in contact with any managers, please feel free to pass on my details. As a sweetener, I'd do it for half the money any top team's current third choice keeper is on. Adam, Manchester

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This International Women's Day, please remember that trans women are women. Full stop. No qualifiers.

Or do they (here, now)

Pauly Walnuts very seriously telling someone that “it’s called Broad daylight because women light up the world”

international women’s day

Scene is a suburban street. A green RANGE ROVER is parked on the kerb. We see two men approach it. We'll call them MAN 1 and MAN 2. MAN 1 [showing Man 2 the Range Rover] So yeah here it is 59,000 on the clock Nice racing green MAN 2: Looks lovely MAN 1: It's got the heated seats, auto headlights [Man 2 looks in the front seat] MAN 2: Really nice [man 2 now opening the back door] MAN 1: Reverse camera, air quality sensor Leather upgrade - MAN 2: What's that? MAN 1: What  MAN 2: There's something on the back seat there  [we now see what he is looking at on the back seat. it is the tiny, shrivelled, calcified form of ANDREW MOUNTBATTEN WINDSOR, claw-like hands laced, his tiny body all grey, his hunted eyes glowing red] MAN 1: I can't see anything. MAN 2: You've got Andrew Mountbatten Windsor MAN 1: That's just light wear MAN 2: It's not light wear mate, it's the former Prince  It's completely ingrained in the leather [he scratches disdainfully at the melted form of the royal wraith] MAN 2: Is this why you didn't show the back seat on the listing? MAN 1: It's a design feature. MAN 2: I've come down from Suffolk mate. [Ends]

I would eat loads but scowl ferociously the whole time.

Although they sound delicious.

Well that's distasteful.

Might need a few more minutes. #ThankYouAido

Some of them! The rest look the other way.

It's where I live!

Do they think people have literally no memory of past events at all?

we bag on the boomers a lot, but they dealt with their mid-life crisis in a good and normal way (buying a red sports car and having an affair with their secretary) whereas Gen X is all "maybe this next genocide will finally make them bring back the square spongebread cafeteria pizza"

have you heard about women

Because civilisation.

Maybe they've eloped.

Welcome to the Garyneum, the 13 day period between the birthdays of Gary Numan and Gary Oldman.

there's so much bad in the world but there's also people who lift up and carry an elderly bat around every day so he can pretend he's flying again, and that's the part of the world I think is worth fighting for

I have watched this approximately 47 times and laughed out loud 47 times

SCATTERING half a teaspoon of dried chilli flakes over a cut grapefruit half and leaving it overnight in the fridge will make the grapefruit taste of chilli. So don't do it. Robert Canning e-mail

Yeah pretty much, two runs of Cyberpunk and the beginning of a third, plus Outlaws.

It's no Police Academy theme.