Liam

just had a nightmare I relapsed (drug use) & I feel significantly more violated then dreams
where I'm raped, let's stick to that actually sorry I complained about it

but now I'm a having a new "I can't fucking do this anymore" & it's about sleep the nightmares have to stop this is crazy

I survived a 4 day continues breakdown :) made it out yesterday

but it's deep & it hurts & I'm up here just, aware of that. so yeah definitely just, I grit my teeth & bare it & see which set of things comes out of it & frankly that I am familiar w/ so I guess that's something

but this??? wtf is even happening rn, what is going on? what is this & wtf am I supposed to do w/ it. like it's there it's agony & probably fear but it's deep. Actually, it feels like I'm poking around in shit I shouldn't be, which I guess is exactly what's happening

& anything worse if it's to much I just ask for help (cant do anything fucked if someone is in the room w/ u) & then get my basic needs met until I pass out, or some stupid activity to get it out until I pass out

a sobbing thing? u sob. need comfort? easy. angry? I have a collection of glass to smash or u just fucking exercise. depressed, anxious, scared, weird ones where I feel like nothing or like a stain or like I'm rotting so many fucking things where I'm like yeah I know it I got it let's get it done

& I still don't feel, right. I don't know this but it's bad. but not in a sobbing or writing poetry kind of way I guess this is a grit your teeth & bare it kind of thing? I mean that's what I'm doing so it must be but like. what am I supposed to do w/ this

like I did all the things im supposed to do to calm down (& extra, I pulled sooo many tools outta the box for this one & I was doing nothing but nervous system shit for like 2 hours?) & it helped in but in such an 'i guess?' kind of way? Idk it's fucked up

did the new edmr topic today & I have felt completely new emotions that I can't describe at all (except for painful, obviously) but it did make me v nauseous,, usually with this kinda thing I can feel my either calm down or get worse or smth but I just feel frozen

but yeah that's why I almost feel good. I need to paint something or smth idk

but to actually recover & let that pain go, I'm gonna have to break that down, & feel that pain like it happened to me. this Will tear me to pieces, it will take a long time, it is terrifying. the realization of it alone was agonizing but, I'm gonna start on wednesday anyway,, wish me luck

one of my brains default reaction to trauma is 'kill the guy it happened to & become someone else' as a result I feel like I've died & became someone else, a Lot, & outside of the identity issues (painful) it's a really good way to get through the day alive

came to the devistating (but in retrospect extremely obvious) realization that I'm going to have to process the things that have happened to me as actually happening To Me

It's nice out I have coffee & a good game & a new book & an episode of yellowjackets waiting for me

I'm not, happy or content today, but like nearly, I'm next to it

I'm feeling better today, so it's time to ruin that w/ edmr lmao

sometimes I see those videos like "if you take from the forest leave hair or blood behind as thanks :)" like actually u should clean up the trash u find & kill any invasive species wtf is a tree gonna do w/ ur blood or hair that's fake.

& I bought a preroll to hold me over till I can get an 8th & apparently this weed won the 2023 weed cup so, that's cool I'm excited to try it idk that was a thing

also got some p bad cuts from thorns in the woods which satisfied the self harm urges more or less & like, it doesn't count I didn't do it on purpose & it's not self harm if the woods did it, sure I could've worn more protective pants I guess but still doesn't count

& I'm doing a laughing instead of sobbing thing (I don't wanna sob it takes to much outta me also I was otw to the store) & it is the most deranged laughter I have ever made like absolutely u are an agony fucking listen to u

I only found 3 feathers but I took a bag worth of trash out when I left so I might find smth better next time (last time I found a raccoon skull & some vertebrae & shit but I fed the foxes living there an entire dead baby deer i found on the side of the road so,, u get what u give)

I smoked a bowl, sat on the porch, looked for bones in the woods, went grocery shopping, went to the pitbull & like I did it I made it through most of the day

Idk I'm in a bad fucking spot & for once it doesn't really feel like I can do shit about it anymore

Last time I wanted to cut/burn myself so so so bad I got my nose pierced & u know what, cutting is a lot fucking cheaper

I may want to die so, so bad but u know what? 0 math involved

the shift from going to school so, so so suicidal to now going to work so, so suicidal basically comes down to at least no one is going to test me on this later

edmr is much easier to remember doing then do, that doesn't make any sense, I am not well

I will be irritated about this for a v long time

& she kept fucking asking bullshit questions. I told her I was chronically suicidal & she asked me if I had a plan, yeah man. The same 6 sense I was a teenager u think u think about wanting to die for over 10 years w/ out knowing exactly how u would do it? Fuck off. I've had other doctors understand