Oliver Darkshire

I feel like a medieval peasant having modern germ theory explained to them as behind me people continue to throw more buckets of piss and shite into the street all around us, your argument seems correct but idk what you want from me

to be honest I do accept the growing likelihood that both plants and insects feel some version of pain but idk what you want me to do with that information, is my life more valuable than a cockroach on a cosmic scale, probably not, but I would like to exist please

GALADRIEL (selectively editing the backstory): and three rings were given to the elves, who were barely involved

then be a good boy and send me nudes or something 👍

im from the UK, everything larger or more aggressive than a golden retriever is a wolf.

goose? wolf.
cow? wolf.
church lady on my doorstep? wolf.

why would you do this

I think it's the terrain. Feels sort of wild. coyotes are basically wolves anyway, he says, having flunked natural history.

-sylvania is a great ending to any name, though, can't argue with that

something about Pennsylvania has me expecting wolves. is that insane. feels like wolves.

save me poseidon

hunky poseidon save me etc

oh I think I would just have them roll me into the sea, for which I would undoubtedly be charged 😂

I'm here on work, which is pretty much the only reason I go anywhere, it is what it is. I appreciate you are coming from a place of concern, and I'm not oblivious to the context, one has to make the best of things

people here are either so kind and polite you feel like you owe them a life debt, or so devastatingly rude that your neck snaps in five places from the whiplash, there is no in-between, you roll the dice and pray. I am having fun.

its a grumpy selfie, don't read too much into it

I have been in the united states for less than 24 hours and my hotel is nice but I already have a host of questions like why are the cars so big, are these cars for giants, this morning I had the best sandwich of my life but it also made me feel like I was going to die

polite conversation apparently lies somewhere between "dont talk to me, i'm reading" (unacceptable) and "did you hear the one about the king who boned his own mother by accident and then put both his eyes out with a brooch" (also, somehow, unacceptable)

if it DOES become sentient, you have my permission to do whatever needs to be done *mimes shooting it*

The book “Isabella Nagg and the Pot of Basil” by Oliver Darkshire sitting in a pot of jasmine.

One of my favorite books this year! Wizards + goblins + a grimaulkin (not a cat) + a pot of basil.
@deathbybadger.bsky.social brought very Terry Pratchett vibes. I loooooooved it so much 💚 I’m just going to carry it around for a while and hope it doesn’t become sentient.

you have to slowly track them across the savannah, ideally after wounding them with some kind of missile, and when they eventually tire, you pounce

the text from the Necklace of Strangulation (AD&D Deck of Magical Items, TSR 1993). its only function is to strangle you.

writing down D&D quest reward ideas in 1993:

- strangling necklace
- necklace that murders you by strangling
- choking necklace
- necklace which strangles you dead

Isabella Nagg and the Pot of Basil by Oliver Darkshire | Waterstones Buy Isabella Nagg and the Pot of Basil by Oliver Darkshire from Waterstones today! Click and Collect from your local Waterstones or get FREE UK delivery on orders over £25.

bookstore chains are hibernating in february, you must seize advantage of their weakness and raid their caves before they grow strong again in the summer months and begin hunting livestock near the mountain villages

www.waterstones.com/book/isabell...

screengrab from waterstones UK for Isabella Nagg and the Pot of Basil

the UK paperback for Isabella Nagg and the Pot of Basil, which some people have called "why" and "a fantasy book? I thought I raised a doctor or a lawyer" and "I only like the talking donkey, the rest is garbage" is out in paperback in june! and today it's 25% off (link ⬇️)

I would move house

made a cake. go to get it out of the oven and immediately drop it on the floor. swear myself blind. (fuck. cunt. fuuuck. odin's left motherfucking bollockkk.) go back to the oven. retrieve second cake I made specifically for this eventuality

"show, don't tell" ok how about you show yourself out

omg meinertzhagen reference in the wild

oh I have a soft spot for his books 💙 got me through some dark times

I mean you can just walk into the British museum storeroom, and as long as you're wearing a slightly shabby suit and say "balderdash" or "poppycock" whenever anyone challenges you, they let you take what you like

oh I find people usually do...

say what you like about me but I have my name attached to some really bloody beautiful books

I knew that as I got older my tastes as a gay man would develop and evolve but I did not anticipate the strength of my feelings about the zootopia tiger backup dancers