Lily

Got up from my couch and heard like seven different cracks from my body. I'M NOT EVEN 40 YET

Yeah my sister said the same - I just CAN'T enjoy it, I always stop playing exactly bc the controls drive me insane (Maiden has been INFINITELY better so far)

I tried to play Mask of the Lunar Eclipse and I gave up in chapter 1 bc I FUCKING hate the battle mechanic. Started Maiden of the Black Water instead to see if it's better and the mechanics are SO MUCH SMOOTHER

Like, all these self-imposed rules and stuff will eventually take away everything I like bc I don't "enjoy" them in a correct way for my brain

I feel like crying rn

And when I think I'll just stay in bsky, my stupid autistic brain is like: okay, you have better FFVII community, write for it instead and ditch Naruto

So then it makes me spiral. The worst thing is that not even one professional has ever helped me how to deal with this side of autism

I went back to Twitter bc narusasu fandom is more active there but that hellsite gives me genuine anxiety every time I open it. But if I leave, I'll miss so much art and community. Like the heck am I supposed to do

I don't know if any of this is actually real bc I clearly still care and I gave myself an anxiety attack 👍 I genuinely don't know what to do anymore lol

Vomited this here bc didn't feel safe enough to do that on Twitter lol

This has not been a good epiphany and it has effectively made my mental health worse but oh well

I realized I'm not writing for myself anymore. I'm writing for the comments, the VALIDATION.

And until I can write for myself again, I'm not putting down a single word

So my obsession with comments has ruined my relationship with writing lol

ik commenting is hard, but u don't have to write a dissertation- even “this was amazing” or “i loved this” makes writers happy. it feels like some people treat fic writers like untouchable writing machines and don’t realize they’re fellow fans, who likely would love chatting abt their work with u

I don't see any other choice than to quit for now and return if I eventually end up actually liking another character enough to write from 😭 if I keep trying now it'll keep feeling wrong and I will start to hate it

It also explains why I have only been able to write Cloud's POV lol

The issue is.... I only write fic for romance. The second the romance is taken out, I don't care abt writing at all 😔

This is exactly why I even fell out of shipping right after Remake had come out bc I'd realized I don't care abt any other character enough to write ship fic

It's simply the fact that the only character I care abt is Cloud. Any fangirling for others has been more like... performing and going through the motions

Made a sudden epiphany with why FFVII fics keep feeling wrong and it drove me deeper in this hole lol

②🈡 #セフィクラ
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I struggled with this game for years bc it just didn't click but now I love it so much

For the first time ever I managed to reach second year Fall on Stardew Valley and I'm so proud of myself 🥹

I love my man Sebastian so much 😭

I just want to solve the chaos in my head bc I'm sure I'd feel better after but idk how 😭

I keep feeling something is off every time I write

It rlly depresses me that I've been a fan of FFVII since 2007, written fic since 2024 and I STILL keep questioning if I actually care about enough to write 😭 like idk how to even explain it

It's best as a oneshot anyway

Ended up deleting the second chapter from the narusasu fic I had written bc I just don't care enough to make it work

- to write anything. When I activately have an hyperfixation to something I have more energy but now I just... don't care 😭😭 I hate depression SO MUCH

Definitely the worst thing abt depression is how it makes me so uninterested in anything. Like, I can't even pull myself out of this hole bc I don't have the mental capacity. My head is full of stories, yet I'm so... uninterested in the two fandoms I write abt that I can't summon any inspiration -