blueMeridian

This is a correct opinion: Lan Sizhui DOES have good vibes

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Ohhhh, I just remembered that hangover. Yeah, that was brutal.

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...Welcome to Blue's live grief processing thread. We're digging into the oldest, dustiest archives today.

Everyone was doing the best with what they had, but I lost a mother and a father and siblings, and one sibling in particular I'd traded part of my soul for part of his. All of which my heart knew even if I wasn't allowed to talk about it that way.

I'm glad I wasn't raised on the other side of the family's religious divide, but I'm still mad I didn't get to keep him, that we were ever separated.

I still miss him all the time. I missed him while he was still alive. I think I've missed him since we shared a crib. Whatever it was that tied us together is still tucked up behind my ribs.

This wasn't something I could ever talk about because family politics are stupid, so here: He was mine. He was always mine in a way I never could explain. The rare times I got to see him, it was like no time had passed at all and we would have read the same books and loved the same songs.

Anyway, related to the previous, he was 11 months younger than me, but sometimes I still forget we didn't share a womb. Losing him the first time was the price of being adopted, then I lost him again to the family's religious rift, and the final time to stupid chance and death.

There was 11 months between us and I don't know how long we shared a crib, but if you told me even now there'd been a mistake, that we were actually twins, I'd say "yeah, that tracks". He was always *mine* in a way I could never explain and I have so little (and every) right to say that.

It's a very specific 13 years. Or 33. Or near 49.

Therapist said the phrase "unresolved grief" this past week and you'd think the timeline on that would be 7 years, but I'm realizing the hard way this afternoon that the real timeline is 13 years and it is so fucking complicated.

Today's action packed agenda: Tumblr and staring off into space

Yeah that one is A Lot

Yeah, I made it home, upstairs, and into bed. Definitively not downstairs and onto the treadmill.

Niiiice

Honestly, the treadmill is iffy

My exciting Friday night is, currently, waiting on a haircut and planning to get on the treadmill when I get home because it’s Friday and I don’t have a bedtime. This feels like it says something about me, but I’m not sure exactly what

\o/!!!

I'm seeing a trend... Yeah, I can expand/strengthen my lungs (whatever is happening) if I do it slowly over time while treating it to some degree, but it's only ever been okay-ish

Right? 😂 The weirdest point A to point B

I have exercise induced asthma, so. I've treated it in various ways over the years, and I do still have an inhaler I can use before I start, but mostly it's just easiest to run inside and accept I'm never going to be a fast runner.

Spent the summer pushing the Smallville Slash Archive random work button. It was exceptionally educational.

mid-20's, Smallville Clark/Lex fic stumbled across very, VERY far down a search rabbit hole re: James Baldwin. Had never seen Smallville, just billboards, but obv knew who Clark and Lex were. Went "what the fuck did I just read and how do I find more"

Ooo, same on the treadmill

The header of a playlist in an iTunes library. It's titled "MAS Road Trip" by various artists. The cover of the Firefly soundtrack is next to it as the automatically selected cover image. The first song is "Mutual Appreciation Society" by "Rory Gilmore" (it's a sound clip).

Oh my god, talk about 5 lifetimes ago! ❤️ The playlist, fyi, lives on.

I made it into bed at about the same time so I'm gonna say it's excellent decision making

heh, yeah, I figured that's what you meant. I kindaaaa vaguely remember it but not really?? which is weird, but that's my brain for you

Wait, what about Dylan O'Brian?