Kalki

Sometimes, the bullet dodges you.

*taps on your head*

Hello? Is this thing on?

The guys who make jokes about women's aging breasts are gently cupping their balls so they don't touch the toilet water in order to poop right now

The more you know 🌈

Hell hath no fury like the parent of a kindergartener practicing on their recorder.

I’m not always miserable. Sometimes I wear pajamas during the day.

Panel from 1963 Fantastic Four annual: Reed says: "We'll ... get out of this ... somehow! "We must! I ... can't fail her now ... Not when it means ... more than ever! "The one thing we won't do ... We dare not do ... is panic!" Ben: "Howsabout if we just cry a little?"

Ben has a point

I can fit a lot of cheeseballs in my mouth *me flirting* 

Her: did you join the gym?

Me: no

H: why not?

M: they said it would be a bad look for them

Dick jokes because what else are they good for

this mullet is getting way out of control

*very mocking voice* "yeah I bet it was s a l m o n e l l a"
*immediately shits pants*

Mike’s Hard Spaceballs the movie was better than the book

As much love for you as the percentage of regret in “we regret to inform."

*hands you a list of impossible demands*

"I shall retire to my chambers where I presume the burgers will be eating themselves..."

I got on your level and it’s a joke

Everyone forgets the 4.5 Circle of Hell, where you're trapped forever in a stuck elevator with a bunch of angry people talking about crypto

Another beautiful sunset tonight

A little girl practicing her ABCs and numbers on an Ouija board.

I think I've figured out who's responsible for all the chaos.

Me, at 19: scrolling through AOL chat rooms for cute guys

Me, at 42: scrolling through Tiktok for dinner recipes

“Classic,” he said, applauding the complete lack of response to his inexpert sexual advances.

When a towel sums you up, buy it.

Normalize snack breaks during sex.