No one talks about the main advantage of early voting as soon as possible: as soon as you do it CAMPAIGNS STOP BOTHERING YOU. Polls open today in New York!! Go save your mailbox and your message inbox!

Been getting a lot of use out of “dawg” lately. Don’t see myself stopping in the near future. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

You could participate in a Cuomo scavenger hunt, but lawyers usually just call it “discovery”

If the FBI has never checked in on you, are you even calling your Senators?

A fun way to annoy someone from Pittsburgh: pronouncing Pirates like “Pilates”

Almost had a menty b, turns out I just needed a shower

Expecting Asian mothers be like: I don’t care what gender my kid is, as long as they get straight As

Someone’s gotta connect El*n with Matthew Perry’s ketamine dealer

FREE LUIGI I HAVE A JOB FOR HIM

Sitting in the dentist’s chair and they just casually mention this procedure is $2700. Maybe I don’t need teeth.

Welcome to Bushwick, home of the whitest reggaeton party you’ve ever seen

I have therapy today but between Beyoncé and Kendrick’s wins last night I think…I’m healed?

Crazy that the Luka trade is the 2nd national tragedy American Airlines has been connected to in the last week

So it’s just a coincidence that a flight with the US Figure Skating Team got taken down the same day Tonya Harding joined Twitter…right?

Sweet girl has no idea what’s going on