OfficeofSteve

Cap’n Crunch ought to be an admiral
by now.

[missed connection]

You — gently inspecting avocados for ripeness

Me — surprised by the produce misters, yelling "Oh god! What the hell?!" as I stumble into a tower of lemons, sending them rolling in every direction, the manager and a security guard escorting me away

Not to brag or anything but today is my Friday.

Imagine hating me and I’m just over here unaware of your existence.

I don’t care if you don’t like me.

I’ll still be able to sleep at night.

Rise and shine Bluesky!

Time to offend people on the internet again.

I want a show where 12 raccoons get a studio apartment and we just see what happens.

😂😂

A moisturizer that hides the wtf

I purely choose an office chair on how well it muffles my farts

Even the most minor mouth injury feels like a mortal wound.

I simultaneously fail to live up to others’ expectations while also exceeding expectations, somehow

Sure, GenX is a worthless generation, but to be fair have you met our parents?

Plans on doing nothing never get canceled.

Gonorrhea?

More like Stayorrhea, amirite?

Yes, a good hot cup of coffee can taste just as good when it’s hot outside as it does when it’s cold outside.

billboard: hey look at me
me: can’t I’m driving
billboard: come on look
me: eyes on the road
billboard: pls it’s important
me: fine what is it
billboard: drive safely lol

I'm missing a very specific part of my brain that handles whether I took a pill or not

Making my place smell like a hot topic in 1997

Oh yeah I'm a gamer (I play solitaire on the netflix app)

every 6 months my dentist asks me if my teeth are sensitive and then just nods and says "mmhmm" but apparently can't do anything about it. he was just curious, i guess.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: *turns around* alphabet

Here this is all for you

*tears heart out and hands it over

*crickets

what if there's nothing wrong or bad about me? what if I'm exactly the way I'm supposed to be?

Here this is all for you

*shoves armful of skeets at you

Imagine being prejudiced towards people because of their age while you’re alive and aging

When I think about you I touch my selfie

I stopped one homeless man from stealing from another homeless man today.

😂😂

🎶 I love the nightlife. I got to boogie 🎶

Sir, this is a Wendy’s.