Emperor J. A. Norton I

I am issuing a last warning to the criminal actor known as The Sun. If it wishes to remain safe from my divine wrath, it will immediately knock it off with the excessive heat.

In my kingdom and affiliated domains, we would never dream of defunding science, medicine, and emergency services and rerouting that money to law enforcement. That would be very silly. Doing that might result in an uprising!

While I agree with the sentiment in principle as being opposed to an unaccountable and unrepresentative government wielding too much power, I really must insist you carve out an exception for me in this case. #nokings #emperorsarecoolthough #notallemperors

It seems like a good time to remind you, my beloved subjects, that legitimacy is a shared delusion. It can be shaped and un-shaped. If we all agree to start paying for things with pounds of beef and laundry detergent, that's a legitimate currency. The future belongs to the imaginative! #beefcoin

More things should rhyme. City Council statements, legal testimonies, obituaries, drive-thru menu orders...Similar to Canada's requirements that their on-air content have a minimum quantity of Canadian-origin, we shall have that with rhyming. Historical events should definitely rhyme less, however.

Collective nouns are annoying. A business of ferrets? an unkindness of ravens? a parliament of owls? They're all flocks now. A flock of cows, a flock of whales, a flock of cordwainers. Think of all the time we'll save! Flocks all. With one exception: it is now known as a hovercraft of eels.

We will not be instituting any tariffs on penguins or other flightless birds. Raccoons, however, should be aware that they are on notice.

We will no longer be dismissing the unpaid labor done by America's natural resources. Proposals to tear up a forest must take into account the money it would cost to pay humans to do the work the forest was doing.

My administration has plans to employ a corps of moms, aunties, and other similar persons for this very purpose

I'm going to need one of you mighty moms to fly to Washington, D.C. and hit Hegseth and Ratcliffe over the head with your handbag.😂😂😂😉

Under my benevolent rule, we have a Consumer Protection Agency- it's called "the entire administration". Same with the Department of Labor.

I'm 207 years old, so I don't really know what Signal is. We only send our sensitive military plans by horse or messenger pigeon.

The McRib will now be available year-round, but you can only buy it at Costco

Election season will be shortened from its current state of 5-years-long every four years to a more reasonable 6 months. No campaigning for public office is allowed outside of this period, save special elections and members of Parliament Funkadelic.

The Republican and Democrat parties will be henceforth abolished and all their bank accounts seized. The money will be used to pay for actual parties. With plenty of pierogi for all!

Members of my Parliament (other than the members of Parliament Funkadelic, who serve by my appointment) will be elected by a Ranked Choice vote. Election Day is a national holiday, and everyone will be able to vote online or by mail.

While I retain ultimate authority as monarch, of course, America's parliament is responsible for drafting laws on behalf of their district's constituents for my approval. We don't have a Senate anymore, because senates are silly. Also we've got a lot more representatives now

I had a bad dream that our rulers were tanking the economy so that their rich friends could buy our assets for pennies on the dollar and that we were alienating our allies and selling cars on the White House lawn. What a relief that we all live in the good timeline where I'm in charge!

The backpacks will feature high-visibility reflective tape for the squirrels' safety. The program may be expanded to marmots at a later date.

All cookies and baked goods containing raisins or other dried fruits that might be mistaken for chocolate chips must henceforth be marked with a dye to prevent confusion. Also, because we're apparently concerned about artificial dyes now, it'll be made from healthy, organic crushed insects.

Squirrels across this great kingdom will soon be outfitted with backpacks. This is not designed to solve any problem, but it will be cute.

Not only do we vow to take seriously your concerns as average subjects of my realm, the Imperial Court contains the foremost experts in dozens of fields as my cabinet advisors and we promise to listen to them and take their wisdom seriously...just as soon as we inform them they're in the cabinet.

When a reformer comes in and proposes that we pull up a fence because it serves no purpose, we first need to be sure that he knows why the fence was put there in the first place. It is dangerous and reckless to erase things without understanding them. That being said, I'm getting rid of Nevada.

In order to reconnect with the natural world, every month on the new moon, we'll be encouraging a 15 minute period of darkness at 10pm local time. Wherever possible, we will shut off our lights and collectively try to enjoy the night sky.

Proud to announce, in an attempt to stabilize our financial position, the establishment of the Federal Beanie Baby Reserve!

When the tree of liberty has grown unruly, it is just and reasonable for a free people to throw a pie at that tree's face.

Having inherited our legal system from English Common Law, and since England abolished the practice after our independence, it may be that trial by combat has been valid on this continent since the very beginning. Nevertheless, I'm making it explicit. Sue your insurance company with swords!

The Delmarva peninsula is just Delaware going foward.

Next, everything East of the Cascades to Minnesota and South to Texas with the exception of Colorado gets to be one state now. It's unseemly to give so many Senate seats to 3000 cows and a dozen or so people.

We will be fixing the borders of the various states, finding them inadequately dressed for a party of civilized nations. To start- Michigan gets Toledo returned to them with apologies for the injustices of the Toledo war, but they lose the Upper Peninsula to Wisconsin where it belongs.