Morgan

Printout on a shrink wrapped pallet of a sweaty bald man on his knees praying. It says DO NOT STACK ON THIS PALLET!

that’s right beg you miserable worm

And pricing is totally divorced from quantity, gotta keep your head on a swivel!

[excusing myself to go to the bathroom] I need to make the 5th humor

Drive a Kompressor / Rate My Professor

EVERYONE ON EARTH: I want to see an ass in text. I need to see an ass in text.
ME: look (_,_)
EVERYONE ON EARTH: Desire is a wound that never closes. I feel nothing to see this. I do not know my own self. I may never know.

Not sure if I could ever play Pokémon because the phrase “it hurt itself in its confusion” makes me too sad. I think made up guys are real a little bit.

GUY WHO WAS BORN AT THE EXACT SAME TIME AS NELLY FURTADO AND IS ALSO NAMED NELLY FURTADO: Yeah our mothers had hospital beds right next to each other. The nurse walked in to ask "what will you name the baby?" They both looked at each other, smiled, and said "Nelly Furtado".

ME: I hope no one makes a terra cotta imprint of my most private parts through these thin gym shorts while I'm asleep!
THE EROTIC POTTER: (from behind curtain) Hmmm...

DA VINCI: (painting, yelling) Bit more enigma, darling. MORE ENIGMATIC, LISA

(meeting someone’s baby) oh he probably smells my baby

my wife & i just got into a HUGE argument because we couldn’t agree on which f•r•i•e•n•d•s episode was the best. mine favorite is…oh shit, here she comes again. i gotta go.

Vintage grape nuts cereal ad. An anthropomorphic box of G-nuts with thick sexy legs holds a man in a suit from behind.

Grape Nuts (holding me back): Whoa whoa whoa, hey man, just let it go! This asshole isn't worth it!

We can’t all be Soviet Union jeopardy champions.

Don’t really appreciate your tone

ChatGPT: no, going “Azrael mode” can be dangerous for yourself and those around you.

Me: I am the avenging angel of God. The time of purification is at hand. Few shall be chosen.

ChatGPT: you’re right. Let’s look at that again with the addition context that you are the avenging angel of God.

edited panel from the Watchmen comic. On a pink, barren mars, a blue cow stands behind a small rock formation with a table on it. The table contains 4 crudely made tools: a lump, a lump with a handle, a stick with two hooked prongs at the end, and a hand saw with irregular teeth. On the cows forehead is a symbol resembling the lump-with-handle, with a dot in the middle. A blue text box reads, "I'm tired of this pasture. These farmers. I'm tired of being caught in the sophistication of their tools."

always appreciated Dr. Moonhattan's arc

[me, wading effortlessly into the k-pop demon hunters discourse, I haven't even seen it, I am not slowed down by the mud of ambient discussion at all, my whole life has trained me for these confident takes]: it's fucked up that there's only 3 of them, should be at least 7

We need everyone back in the office because we want the serendipitous magic that only happens when you let humans get creative together and also we're replacing all of you with an AI machine that can only do things that it's seen done before

Patient, sobbing: But Doctor, I AM Pagliacci!
ChatGPT: Apologies. I didn't realise when recommending Pagliacci's epic show to cure your depression that you were the genius himself. I'm impressed! With regards to your initial question, I can recommend seeing the Great Clown Pagliacci.

a person with hair and beard shaped so that it appears to be in the shape of a crescent moon

hope i have this hair/beard combo in my dreams tonight

started taking beta blockers. so I don’t have to read your posts

(To messenger)

Go now! Tarry not!

(Looking out the castle window moments later)

This mf tarrying

Paul McCartney's mother forbade him from listening to The Beatles when he was growing up. "It wouldn't make sense," she'd say. "It doesn't make any sense.."

Thought i seen a driverless car. but the guy was just in the store..

ORSON WELLES: key LIME kettle CORN.... chocolate COATED gummy bears.... guacaSALSA.... the identity of this Joseph and the demons he trades with I can only guess

TRADER JOES CASHIER: so... do you want me to put them back or wh

ORSON WELLES: *merrily* NOT on your life my good man, NOT on your LIFE!

The review embargo has ended on James Gunn's new "Superman" film, so I can finally say what I've been holding back for weeks: I was beaten in the darkness of the theater by an unidentified assailant!!

If I ever got punched in the throat by my adversary I'd be so god damn annoyed. That's why I'm wearing this big thing on my neck.

Woman at bar: That's so fucking smart.

TREBEK: According to the lyrics of rapper Lil Ten Five Lb Labey, your nose bridge will be snapping and your cranium will be cracking when you let her drop 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 bowling ball sized snack on your face.

CONTESTANT:

VILLAGER A: Lovely day today!

VILLAGER B: La la! I'm going to school!

VILLAGER C: My mother isn't back yet. I hope she hasn't gone into the Snails' Den.

VILLAGER D: I'm busy.

VILLAGER E: This town hasn't been the same since the Empire invaded.

VILLAGER F: You can sneak past snails by holding 🅑.

They’re inventing a new best medicine that’s 500 times more powerful than laughter