Irrationally Calm

THEM: whatcha doin

ME: [filling a plate with slugs and flatworms] making creepypasta

THEM: that’s not what…

ME: [whistles tarantella while tossing in duck penis and a disarticulated teddy ruxpin]

[First date]
Me: You’re in for a real treat later. My anus looks like a group of Michael Chiklis impersonators gathered around an open grave.

Siri has a poor sense of humor. I once did the under there/underwear joke to her and she sent a SWAT team to my house and spent my entire direct deposit on edible arrangements

Thank you for including me! 🫶

we're not an echo chamber don't put in the pa-- Join the conversation

HEY YOU 🫵 wanna follow some funny folks you may not have seen floating around The Sky yet? here are some of my favorite posters with under 10k followers

DM me if you want me to remove you 🥰

Them: Can I tell you something?
Me: Probably? I mean you’ve demonstrated you can ask me something so it should really just be a matter of punctuation.

Sorry I cried “to the thicket!” before going down on you.

Okay well if you don't want both of your thumbs shot off then don't be popping off at people with shit like "I declare a thumb war," some folk do not take such declarations lightly, now let's chalk this up to a misunderstanding and I'll take you to the hospital

Don't mind him, that's just Impaled by Harpoons Jim, he's named that on account of the harpoons that keep impaling him. *Waves* hey Jim

Jim: *a harpoon suddenly flies out of nowhere and impales him* howdy

lonely farts club band

Me: [forgetting your name for the 100th time]

Also me: "877-Cash Now!"

This is the way

Welcome to adulthood. You now identify sounds by how expensive they’ll be.

How much ball cleavage…dickolletage if you’d prefer…is best for a white tie event?

THE EAGLES: take it to the limit

CADY HERON: the limit does not exist

Yeah, transport chairs aren’t very comfortable and limit the person’s ability to self-propel, but they are often the only option in homes with narrow halls and doorways. Space is also a limiting factor for any lifts because they are all pretty large.

I’m sorry it “ruins the mood” Sharon, but my mom taught me to always say “oopsie” whenever I make a mess.

To my wheelchair using friends: looks like I need to get sort of a smaller/ narrower wheelchair for my mom. Cramped house, space etc. Any advice on brands, hings to avoid etc? Might also need an assisted lifting device for lifting her her in and out of bed etc. all input would be great.

Transport wheelchairs are narrower and are easier to maneuver in tight spaces. As far as lifts, if she has the upper body strength to grab onto a bar while being lifted, a sit-to-stand lift is safer than a Hoyer when only one person is available to assist.

I’m such a private person that it’s none of my business what I’m up to.

*being given a rorschach test* they’re all my posts

You don't have to tell me twice because I don't listen either time.

Get you a girl who dresses like it’s 1870 and walks through walls

There’s a puka shell necklace in my closet that talks to me like the Green Goblin mask

What goes on in the crisper drawer of my fridge is none of my business

[Stumbling into the room, disoriented, panting, and covered in blood]
Them: What the fuck happened to you, are you alright?!
Me: I tried to get rid of a hangnail…

If you think turtles are due for their comeuppance, you’re going to love Thursday’s soup of the day.

How many times should I pump my Reebok Pumps in order to achieve optimal sexual performance?