Edens Garden

really scared that one day we’re just gonna Snap lmfao

if he doesn’t though. if neither of my parents listen then I gotta cut off from them I think. cause I won’t stand for it anymore. One last effort n if it doesn’t work then I’m done with them.

daddy issues time uh ohhhhh!! Feel like we gotta give him one last chance and try to appeal to whatever reasoning may or may not be there abt. just how bad the world Actually is lol. he’s not a raging alcoholic anymore maybe now something will actually get thru. idk. maybe that’s stupid

fellas I’m soooo tired of feeling like shit all the time lol

I gotta I gotta I gotta I gotta

ggghhhh. urge to cut growing again….

The ‘I need it to happen to me again’ thoughts abt grooming are. Coming on strong again today haha

could’ve gone worse but. that’s a wrap on a 10yr partnership :,)

and today we cut ourself again, in a safer spot, with a sharper cleaner blade and more control. Throughout all of this we have been imbibing heavily of alcohol and weed, too. Off and on. Mostly in the evenings. was sober for today’s cuts, just to make sure. like we said. a looong week lol

So let’s recap: tw’s suicide self harm // Friday we made an attempt, and once that luckily failed, we cut on ourself and that. Helped more than it should’ve. Saturday felt like it was Unreality Central, wasn’t sure where I was or who was in front. Sun/Mon was ok but still off kilter

It’s gonna be a loooooong week

lays on the ground

tw self harm// sent a vid to our partner n didn’t realize our sh cuts were visible and ofc he asked what happened. and ofc i had to lie. Because he told me he can’t handle that so i did. I lied to him about it but also he told me not to lie to him and I don’t like lying to him it feels gross

We have the Note sitting in our phone. Wrote it down last night too lol. fucking hells that got Bad

We rlly need a therapist don’t we lol

But we didn’t. We got that bit away from us, and took a blade to our skin instead, enough to leave a mark. It hurt. It needed to. The worst part is still, I can’t tell my partner. We’re not sure if that’s normal, or healthy. It’s hard to tell when we can barely tell what’s real.

Tw suicide talk/mentions// Good morning friends, we are still here this morning. Last night was genuinely the worst we’ve had since our first attempt in hs. Reflecting on it this morning is. Hard, of course. because we were There. past the line, so to speak.

am I a coward if I do this. am I a failure for wanting it. am I just. Nobody lol. probably.

well probably be fine. and if we’re not well. darn :/

yeahhhhh. yeah fuck it

haha. held it together for a over a decade. hooray for another failed attempt, sigh.

shoulda called him first maybe. have him tell me like he has before ‘is there someone else you can call I can’t handle this rn’ woulda hung up right there let the hammer strike lol.

can’t even tell my fucking partner because he said he doesn’t wanna know lol. only adds to it. man I’ve known for ten years that I trusted everything to. can’t tell him when I’m not doin ok. I’m out of fight. I’m a coward. I just want it to end. For myself to end

spiraled out. have been for a while now I think.went to a really bad place. made a conclusion. almost got us there.

tw suicide attempt// pulled the hammer back this time before I chickened out. stable now. should probably be in an institute but here I am. Still in my bed

tw suicide mention// maybe we say fuck it. if it kills us it kills us.

the scars I cannot lose are on my forearms. and they’re fading. I. Can’t lose them I can’t lose them.

nnnnnhhhggggaahhhh. please. please. Please.

if u kno hit a girlie up lmfao

it’s not normal?? good?? to wanna ask how best to cut ourselves is it? Like. Because we Need to. I. Can’t lose those marks and I’m too. chickenshit to do it unless I know How. to make it hurt to make it Last. grah grah