Adam the Useless

I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnnnnnnnng john silver's gift card

Are the functional substitutes in the room with us?

Rene Magritte’s The Treachery of Images with the caption Ceci n'est pas it, chief.

So glad Windows 11 has an “update and shut down” option that invariably boots right back up

Ice cream trucks should cruise around playing soft jazz at 2 AM

I’m intensely curious how private equity can make Walgreens even worse

Why are people still acting like Newsom is somehow our only hope for 2028 when 1) it is 2025 and 2) Pritzker is RIGHT THERE

My kids are still young, but I've started talking to my oldest (9) about AI, media literacy and the internet the same way someone might talk to their kids about sex or drugs. I think we have to.

a poorly drawn cat licking its raised hind leg. the leg is exaggeratedly large, with an oversized paw featuring huge toe beans

a photo of a ginger and white cat sitting on a sidewalk under a sunny blue sky. the cat is mid-grooming, licking its leg while its paw is stretched toward the camera, making the paw look huge

beans

Okay. The people have spoken.

For every reskeet this gets, I will post a random picture from my camera roll with no explanation (other than alt text).

Let the games begin.

A lot of 12 year olds are going to learn the phrase "op sec" in the next few years.

"Are those burner shoes?"
"I didn't think --"
"You're not SUPPOSED to fucking THINK, Skylar, you're supposed to follow FUCKING PROTOCOL."

Most of the internet used to be like this. This is actually the default, it took companies enclosing the internet and adding weird, soul-killing incentives to make people behave the way they do now. In a way, there is truly nothing special about Wikipedia except that it survived longer.

I am once again asking everyone to fucking quit Spotify

Life is suffering, let me eat my garbage in peace

I work as an elder and hospice caregiver, which I am oddly passionate about. I can love on them shamelessly and no one complains about my codependence. It's a win-win situation. Many of my caregiving colleagues complain about the repetitive questions and, sometimes reactions, of the elderly, especially when those patients happen to read the newspaper, especially with the current downward spiral of our country — as if these people haven't lived through enough horror... I love my dementia peeps, but sometimes wonder if there's a Guinness Book World Record for how many times an hour a dementia patient can repeat the same question — it's got to be in the hundreds. At least with small children, they ask different questions. Dementia patients will get stuck on one short question and ask it until you can interrupt their train(carousel) of thought and successfully redirect their attention. That carousel is pretty manic sometimes. A couple days ago, I picked up my mail from the post office and drove over to the nursing home to take (let's call her "Miss Daisy") Miss Daisy out for a drive. Before we took off on our road trip, to the end of The Road and back, in our landlocked little town (Juneau, Alaska), I set my copy of The Onion down in front of her. Over our two-hour excursion, tiny Miss Daisy read that front page at least a dozen times and each time she would snicker, giggle, and guffaw, then put it down on the dash board and, a minute later, discover it anew. I think it was the best afternoon of my life. We don't often hear them laugh and when they do, it's the sweetest thing you've ever heard. ... Thank you, thank you, thank you, for the really important work all of you do. You make the world a better place.

I got permission to share this, and I'm extremely grateful for that.

The Onion got this letter from one of our subscribers in Alaska. She works with dementia patients and decided to leave a copy in the car for each one.

This email made my year. Read it and you'll see what I mean. People are good.

its awesome how liberals will set 36 million dollars on fire to back a rapist if you gave me like 1/10th of that i could basically solve every material problem for everyone i've met.

I mean, if people are happier at the Nazi Bar, I won't stop them from going back, they just need to be aware of what that says about them

“There’s never any guarantee that law enforcement officers will follow the law” is a hell of a true statement. If you don’t believe it, ask yourself if you’ve ever seen a cop go the speed limit

Shame the AI doesn’t add anything of value

If you are arrested during a protest or action against ICE or CPD in Chicago, I can represent you pro bono. Email me at sheryl@weikallaw.com.

(This is an offer for criminal defense; I unfortunately don't do immigration law.)

These are incredible, everyone look at them

A black-and-white cartoon illustration of a scruffy, bedraggled Steamboat Willie. He is drinking heavily from a liquor bottle labeled "Beloved Animated Classics." His pants are unbuttoned, and he is urinating into a puddle he is standing in. The puddle is labeled "Live Action Remakes." Willie's hand and penis are censored with a pixelated bar.

Say hello to "Cleveland Steamer Willie," everyone! He'll be in charge of your entertainment for the foreseeable future.

#liveactionremake #cartoon #animation #satire #comic #clevelandsteamerwillie #steamboatwillie

Cis Americans, if you do one single thing today please let it be to contact your representative. You have no idea how many US trans people I follow who are freaked the fuck out

And for everyone else, if America does it, your country will use America as an example of how they can do it too. Speak up

“I asked ChatGPT,” well I asked your mom and she said you’ve always been a disappointment

Still one of the best Onion News Network segments.

My only question is, why hasn’t everyone bought them yet?

for any Americans concerned about the integrity of Canada's elections, remember that Canada does not use electronic voting in federal elections. we vote by placing pine cones in empty TimBit cartons. the winner is required to eat these pine cones at their swearing-in ceremony.

A tweet by Mike Primavera altered to read “My neighbor told me Afghanistan keeps eating his empires so I asked how many empires he has and he said he just enters a period of decline and invades Afghanistan afterwards so I said it sounds like he's just feeding dying empires to Afghanistan and then Sir Arthur Barrett started crying.” The original tweet reads “My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.”

yes… medieval cat plush has teeny tiny toe beans! look at them! what are you waiting for? get one before it’s gone!
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