Talented Asian Girlfriend

are the dehydrated vegetables that come w instant ramen more or less vegetable than French fries?

my social media feed is like 50% AI and 50% heartfelt tedoo ads

which algorithm flunked robot school to bring me ads for restaurants in states i don't live in

honeybee i am not flying to hawaii for dim sum or maine for spaghetti get fucking real

ok who was actually told not to slurp noodles though is this one of those shared trauma things (like catholicism) that i was spared from

can't believe my parents used to be able to snoop on any conversation i was having on the house phone and yet here i am living through unprecedented times and everyone has their own private cell phone. frankly hellish.

i high key appreciate ppl who take calls on speakerphone like i do want the whole context for this lil tea party

wait so if i add caffeine to the water it becomes like the opposite of water how come 💀

(caffeine hangover after forgetting to drink actual water for three days)

unlike garlic, there is such a thing as "too much" when it comes to lemon juice

shoutout to all the baddies who q tipped too close to the sun 😩

anyone who believes misfit market's claims of ugly produce being wasted has clearly never subscribed to hello fresh 😔

"under-$300 fashions"

what does that even MEAN who is paying OVER $300 have they started making polyester out of EGGS

do gay. be crime.

how do we decide what can and cannot go on salad?

what is truly salad taboo?

like my cat, i also have places i cannot reach to care for myself, and rely on the kindness of others to make my life bearable

-- me, finding a crusty spot behind pompom's ear where she must have run headfirst into her wet food

my favorite Chinese saying/insult is "a blind cat running into a dead mouse." which I've always taken to mean "you can take no credit for your success, only by the supreme mercy of mere chance have you been granted this most unlikely of good outcomes."

and she will come to you dressed in sunlight, green shadows dappled gold, bearing the promise of a new spring, and also a leek and potato soup

--how my fantasy doordash notifications would read

so disappointed that someone else thought of "tequila mockingbird" before i did

if u told me an essential part of pickleball was the ceremonial eating of a pickle, i would maybe give it a shot.

me, dumping marinara on my leftover carbonara: yknow what maybe carbonara ISN'T my favorite dish???

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💕💕

interrupting your doomscrolling today to tell you that i love my girlfriend a stupid, maybe irresponsible amount

have reconciled myself w the fact that my veggie garden is, in fact, a salad bar for the resident wild rabbits and not, as i previously supposed, for me. wow, I'm doing such a great job feeding the local wildlife!

the older i get the more i am considering getting married at a chuck e cheese, where a kid can be a kid

peanut butter was, by even the most conservative standards, invented over 50 years before Mary Poppins sang A Spoonful of Sugar.

which is to say i COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED from prozac burps AND YET

know that my silence is a sign that i am out in the sun at last 💖

sometimes for dinner i just microwave all the leftovers together in a bowl of what i like to call "well, it's definitely food."

i just ordered a perfume sampler. that should fix the economy.

ringpops are an instrument of the oppressive capitalist police state. I'm sorry. enjoy responsibly i guess.

why am i giving relationship advice on reddit who gave me this power

"and here's how you juggle lit torches" -- while standing in front of a flaming honda civic

i didn't know coffee could be spicy

will i ever sleep again?

-- the only coherent thoughts i can currently form