cal?

who would you trust more? A complete stranger in a Star Trek shirt or a complete stranger in a Star Wars shirt?

which 4 unique fantasy races would be your ideal foursome

just drove over pedestrians on GTA for 20 minutes to clear my mind

kinda fucked up that i have to wear a seatbelt but garbage men just get to hold on and flow in the wind like that

don’t bite the hand that goons to you

Americans sometimes use French words like "hors d'oeuvres." And that's just for starters.

god forbid a girl be full of whimsy AND rage

he still hasn’t asked me to be Chinese for new years :(

Somewhere in a small southern town a girl was proposed to tonight at the local Olive Garden

Flight attendant: you’re seated in the emergency exit row; are you willing and able to help in the case of an emergency?

Me: I will lay down my life for the passengers of this flight

Flight attendant: ok don’t say things like that

did y’all know I do sexting now? 😘

Sorry, can't talk rn! Trying to learn the rules and history of every Winter Olympic sport, so I can yell at my TV in an educated way 😌

come on child safety lid you know it’s me

@ all men... kiss kiss kiss mwah mwah mwah love you love you smoochie smooch smooch

NOBODY circle back with me this week. i was LYING

One of the stressful parts of gift giving is actually wrapping your presents so here's a tutorial on how to get it done quickly and easily-

1. Measure out a reasonable size of wrapping paper

2. Nope. You goosed that so bad. It's fucked. The whole thing is fucked.

they’re bluffing when they say you can still get knocked off the nice list this late in the game. santa’s been delivering gifts in japan for hours by now; that list is locked, do whatever you want.

has anyone noticed what its beginning to look a lot like

College was so funny

I had one Professor who was like “yeah just turn any late work by the end of the semester dw” and one that gave a 0 if it was 1 minute late and required death certificates if you had a family member die and you just had to remember which is which

If you can breathe through your nose right now…cherish that, savor it, take a moment to appreciate what you have before it’s too late

Omfg just found out my recently deceased aunt apparently bequeathed me her Christmas tree farm? So now I have to leave the big city (right as I’m about to get my big promotion) and head to her rinky dink town to deal with this shit. FML!!!!

gone rogue 🫰

Nobody wants to drunk text anymore…………

remember it takes 2 people to ruin a relationship

him and his mother for raising him that way

you did nothing wrong sis

“fuck you’re tight” i whisper as i look at my monthly budget

calling for a national ban on gift guides until we figure out what's going on

Missionary because men are insanely attractive and I like to watch his face while I do bad things to him and talk him through it. Plus I like to make him watch

smokin on that shit that put malcolm in the middle

whoever invented beds was a fucking genius. i’m just all cozied up in here, like you don’t even know how cozy i am