Chris Ward

2 sandwiches, 2 chips, 2 drinks, $40. Everything is normal.

Walked in the Walmart and the old Greeter straight up didn’t look up from his phone. You had one job,

I don’t wanna eat burritos! I don’t wanna play guitar!

Our pop stars used to take 3 or 4 years between albums, you gotta go away to come back. No one is like “I can’t wait for this billionaire who dominated last years news cycle to release a new album immediately.”

Spike the bulldog rounds a corner wearing a pink helmet that says NO. Unbeknownst to him, Heathcliff is on the other side of the corner, wearing a pink helmet that says YES. Two birds watch the impending confrontation from a nearby tree, and one of them says "Hold on to your butt."

07 Oct 2025

Mike Johnson: “Things have really Grindring to a halt around here”

Just had a conversation with a nice French couple who said the problem with American protests is that we schedule them one by one instead of showing up every night until the change happens.

The left is like “mark your calendars, No Kings march in 3 weeks!”

“Any last words?”

“Kamala is BRAT ha ha h!”

*killed by masked republican firing squad*

This guy gets it

BREAKING: Our client Mario Guevara, an Emmy-winning journalist detained by ICE in retaliation for livestreaming law enforcement activity, will be deported tomorrow to El Salvador.

Mario and his family are being punished for his reporting. This cruelty is meant to stifle our free press.

South Shore Residents Return To Ransacked Apartments After ICE Raid: 'It Looks Like Hell' A "now renting" sign outside touts granite countertops. Inside, residents are trying to make sense of the raid that made their already neglected building even worse.

ICE is running around Chicago harassing people for not being white.

Just a year ago, that was illegal in the United States and now it’s commonplace.

That’s not making America great again.

“These damn Gen Z designed pinball machines … everything is a Skill Shot!”

Courage, Bob.

Weirdly good double feature: One Battle After Another and Total Recall (1990)

We need a Long Walk sequel if not just to watch Sean Penn walk like that for 3 more hours.

RSVP You’re Invited!
Who: Lindsey Buckingham
Where: The Tall Grass
When: 2pm - ?
What: Lay there and let him do his stuff

AND my battery dies quicker? Right on time baby.

Wow upgraded the new iOS and now phone is suddenly low on space, conveniently facilitating need for new phone I don’t need

“Pokey LaFarge looks like a guy we should be able to throw tomatoes at.”

Yelled GIVE ME THE FUCKIN DEALS YOU PIECE OF SHIT to my McDonald’s app so … life in these United States, huh?

The midwestern urge to go without

I hate my phone now more than I hated the bottle right before I quit drinking

You just gotta live like every iOS update could be your last, you know?

“Engravings found on the latest casing read as follows: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossi … “

Can't help but notice that the media breathlessly reporting on the messages that shooters write on their bullets seems to have been followed by a surge of shooters writing messages on bullets

The Don’t Take Tylenol Kimmel montage is an all timer montage

Odie thoughts 9/23/25 “Ruff Day USA”

Jimbal Kimbal