Slouchy

Doctors were surprised when my x-rays showed not bones, but turtles all the way down

"Your laugh is like a sunset," I say right before I nail gun my hand to the frame of a revolving door

We shall delete the posts until the concept of posts is no more.

There is a goat man in my living room, standing on two legs, menacingly watching me eat a bowl of cereal

“We’ve invented a magic computer. It uses all of the earth’s resources, we’ve spent trillions on it and it’s the sole growth area of the US economy.”

“What does it do?”

“We were hoping you could tell us.”

If you descend one level below the asphalt, you'll find me suspended in a glass box, not as a warning, but because they dedicated this road to me.

How does one really know if something is fr fr, do you bite it like a coin, use it to cut glass, have it appraised, just abbrev somebody's word for it as for reality for reality? I don't even trust shorts

It's awards season, guys.
Which one's going to produce a winner's acceptance speech that includes love and thanks to their AI girlfriend/boyfriend?

It's nice how people leave those free dogs tied up outside shops for you to take home when you're feeling sad

My eyes are getting greyer and my mustache is starting to get some white in it, pretty stoked for these monochrome years

The norwegian prime minister has confirmed that this is real to norwegian news media (such as NRK and VG).

Why do fairground test your strength games always involve hitting a bell with a mallet? Fetch me the device that can measure the dignified silence I maintain in the face of my many, many petty complaints. They dare not give me a mallet. They dare not ring that bell.

the fifth horseman of the apocalypse: stupidity

Nothing quite like the feeling of taking off your lobster costume after a long day of chasing strangers around the arboretum

me: can we use our debit cards in hell or do we have to bring cash?
the priest giving me communion: i need you to become an atheist.

i was having a hard time remembering the formula for the surface area of a dodecahedron but then i asked my homunculus topher and he thought for a while and then just ate a red-tailed chipmunk in front of me fur bones and all

ChatGPT is taking away jobs by automating the process of being driven mad via people online by replacing it with a chatbot

"Thank you for calling The Void. Your scream is very important to The Void but right now it's overwhelmed. If you could please leave your scream at the beep The Void will accept it as soon as possible. Thank you. "

”Would you describe what's happening to you as kafkaesque, or is it more orwellian?”, my psychiatrist asks, but I can’t describe anything at all, my throat chokingly tight as if gripped by some great vice.

There should be a zoo experience where you try to outdrink a panda

9: Where's mom?

me: out the back

9: in Australia?

me: no silly, she’s out THE back, not in the Outback!

9: what's she doing?

me: playing with her didgeridoo, I think

All the other scientists are yelling at me because I’m wearing the Doomsday Clock like Flavor Flav

MANUARY, A MONTH FOR MEN.

Okay, alright, but would you still love me if I were a worm clomping around the house in a peach tankini and winter boots?

Where does the old year go, is it a buried at midnight in the back yard situation or more of an elves sailing west deal?

New Year's resolutions don't have to be about socially acceptable change.
Break the mould: resolve to become a troll, or to gain 10kg at the doughnut shop.

babybjörn implies adultbjörn. where is the adultbjörn? i demand to be transported via an adultbjörn.

"In a year we will all be living in Mars."

- Guy who has trouble making cars where the doors open

"AI will be running the world in the next 12 months."

- Guy whose chatbot never gives the right answer

Why does anyone listen to these guys?

Can metamorphosis change your luck. I have no idea but I already feel like a new million bucks regurgitating this silk robe I swallowed from a casino