Iconic Speedruns

Frogger. Trauma Mode. Every car that hits you spawns a ghost frog, screaming about how you failed them. The river logs start chanting ominously in Latin. Run ends when cars start honking in slurs.

00:47:33 (WR)

Mario Kart Double Dash. Divorce Court mod. Completing two laps triggers co-driver to quit mid-race, citing irreconcilable differences. Circuit transforms into trial, with Judge Lakitu presiding. All runs end with Waluigi getting custody of the kids. Always.

03:37:21 (PB)

Final Fantasy VII. Cringe Materia. Cloud’s inventory is filled with cursed materia that summons awkward family dinner flashbacks. Completed runs must include 3 versions of what you “actually do for a living” and “why a nice girl like that Tifa isn’t married yet.” No save scumming.

08:41:19 (WR)

God of War Ragnarök. Cheeseburgers in Valhalla mod. While carrying around a severed, talking parrot head, Kratos must save Margaritaville from cataclysmic destruction. Run ends when Atreus asks if it’s “still 5 o’clock somewhere” for the 50th time.

13:52:11 (PB)

Tomb Raider. Archaeological Ethics mod. After collecting indigenous artifacts, Lara must justify every relic acquisition to an international heritage committee in a sobering and quite weighty hearing amongst respected members of the community.

Crash Bandicoot skin: On.

08:40:18 (WR)

Hollow Knight: Silksong. No modifiers. Any difficulty. Play 1 second of the game in the first half of the 2020’s. So yeah, like half a decade, right? It was announced in February of 2019, so how hard co--

00:00:00 (Failed)

Pokémon Snap. Cryptid Hunt DLC. All Pokémon replaced by cryptids like Bigfoot, or Mothman. Extra points for a blurry photo of your dad saying he’s “proud of you.”

01:03:45 (PB)

Sonic the Hedgehog 2. Miles’ Existential Crisis mod. Each completed Zone triggers Tails’ crippling paranoia over his role in the series next to Shadow. Timer ends if Sonic finds him incessantly asking for “just one more” in Casino Night Zone Act 2.

00:41:38 (PB)

Portal 2. Corporate Restructuring Run. GLaDOS is replaced with HR consultant, Corbin. Every puzzle must be solved within budget constraints and mandatory team-building activities. Run starts once you say something interesting about yourself.

00:00:00 (Failed)

a man is flying through the air in a desert landscape . ALT: a man is flying through the air in a desert landscape .

*Come With Me starts playing*

Zilla:

While the versions might be different…maybe the real treasure was the dysentery we made along the way.

Animal Crossing. Solitude Challenge, Any%. Kick every villager off the island. When Isabelle refuses to leave, muttering, “There’s nowhere else for me,” press “Ignore” to trigger win condition.

02:18:19 (PB)

Banjo Kazooie. Cosmic Horror Mod. Kazooie grows tentacles and whispers cryptic truths each time you collect a jiggy. Run ends when Mumbo Jumbo consumes the concept of free will.

02:09:31 (WR)

The Oregon Trail. Gentrification DLC. Convince settlers to stop building artisanal coffee shops on sacred hunting grounds. Run ends if your wagon gets rebranded as a food truck.

04:19:28 (PB)

Duck Hunt. Generational Trauma Run. Each duck is the descendant of a family you’ve wronged. The dog recites their backstories in unsettling detail after every miss. Doritos’ 2XP code applied.

01:19:43 (PB)

Doom (2016). Cool Jazz Mode. Demons wear sunglasses and hum “Take Five” as they approach. Every missed shot triggers an obviously misunderstood trumpet solo (way too cool for your taste). Sega Dreamcast Fishing Controller.

03:08:39 (WR)

Metal Gear Solid. Endless Combat Bug. Once triggered, survive non-stop alerts for 3 hours straight. As credits roll, Snake mutters, “War never ends, prick” before deleting all files on local memory card.

(Gex: Enter the Gecko files are unaffected).

03:04:18 (PB)

Pac-Man. Fourth Meal Skin mod. Clear all Gordita levels without getting cheesed. Baja Blast Ghosts give full health. IBS multiplier.

00:43:57 (PB)

Dr. Mario 64. “Mushroom Kingdom Corruption” DLC. Treat all viruses for free before United-Bowser notices. Alt Victory Condition: Luigi buys a 3D printer.

02:34:12 (PB)

The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask. Middle-Aged Mask mod. Prevent the apocalypse by convincing the moon to be on your new podcast. Timer ends when Skull Kid says some Terminian slang you “sort of” get with context clues, but inevitably have to look up later online in incognito mode.

08:22:45 (PB)

Sure, the cups are rad, but that IHOP x Xbox logo mashup is something special.

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. Complete Classic Mode with first party, Nintendo characters ONLY. (Note: Any inferior, third-party selections will not only result in a DQ, but permanent banning at any future Nintendo events).

Controller: PS5 DualSense (modded with Xbox Elite paddles).

05:12:55 (PB)

Red Dead Redemption 2. Dysentery Only mod. During bowel movement QTEs, Arthur must explain the concept of the metaverse to a tree. Haptic Feedback (preferred).

10:43:28 (WR)

Minecraft. Pump and Dump Server. Creepers whisper “Bullish on $ENDR” before exploding. Emperor Zurg Skin.

09:48:51 (PB)

Shoot, already told everyone who is still playing Suicide Squad: Kill The Justice League.

Should be alright though.

Se7en (1995). Big Head Mode: On.

02:27:33 (PB)

The variety of playstyles in this game right now is up there with Smash Bros Ultimate at launch. #hottake

Pokémon Red/Blue. Oops All Mr. Mime Mod. Run ends when Professor Oak throws Pokédex in the fire.

01:33:54 (PB).

Super Mario 64. Any%. No modifiers. Baby Penguin must not be sacrificed.

00:00:00 (Failed)

My first Endless Mode run.