Rants McKMS

Everyone is my enemy

My heart, it hurts

My wellbeing has never been a priority or even of any importance to others, and especially not myself. I exist to assist and please others. At least that's what is expected of me, if I ever do put myself first, I'm a villain, and I feel guilty. Honestly I'm better off just not being here

I don't know how much longer I can spread myself thin and try to be a support to others when I have no support myself. It feels like everybody hates me, but selfish to even complain when people I care about have it so hard right now. Still, I feel like I'm about to shut down in the near future

Yet I still ignore my own physical and mental needs for years to be there for others and push myself to my limits, and it's still never enough. Because my limits are shorter than most others, my existence isn't even valid. No matter how hard I try, how much I make myself sick, I'm not enough.

I absolutely do not have the mental fortitude to handle this. It seems that almost absolutely everybody seems to have some type of support system and people they can fall back on, they always take it for granted, meanwhile I am always just discarded like trash, like a stain to be erased

Everyone else feels like a threat right now. When you have no community or support system, it feels like everyone is against you, I'm like an animal backed into a corner, lashing out

Friendship and connections are a pipe dream, not possible for me, I'm going to die alone with nobody around just like my parents

I just want to disappear from this world. I hate everyone and everything

Why is it that whenever I talk about my emotions, people instinctively ignore me as if they purposefully are trying to tell me that I'm weak or something? It's like everyone assumes that I'm seeking attention or something after I hold in my feelings for months. People want me to be a puppet

She has so much power over me. Always knows exactly how to get under my skin and into my head

Always funny when I get all ambitious just to be reminded that it's for nothing and all the time and effort I spent amounted to nothing and always will

Why are people like "omg we should totally hang out!!!" And then never speak to you again?
I don't understand human interaction in the slightest. Social norms are absolutely ridiculous and make no sense

when everyone tells you to get help, but when you try and are aware of everything, people assume you are lying because people that are in therapy are supposed to be stupid and crazy and unaware of their own issues. Things don't magically change once you become aware of your illness.

Feels like there is this inherent distrust towards patients that are self aware from doctors. Always this assumption of malingering or drug seeking instead of a person who is just aware of their problems and wants help. What are you supposed to do

If it makes me vapid and narcissistic that I feel bad about not having any friends/people left that care, that nobody that acknowledges or contacts me, that I go through life having to pretend like I'm okay with all this because complaining makes everyone hate me more, then idk

How does everyone else just inherently have a concept of what's the right amount of x thing in any given setting? I only learn by being yelled at/rejected socially/bullied, etc, and even then I'm not sure if its right

So I'm supposed to be social but not care about what people think and seek connection but not seek validation and like people but don't get attached to them, be myself, be authentic and do everything for me but not be upset when nobody ever acknowledges me.
What a lukewarm and confusing existence.

What even is the point of doing anything anymore

Chill, "unproblematic" people that have no convictions and are too cool and relaxed to have opinions are some of my least favorite people

So this whole time, it was you

Man fuck pissrael

What's the point of having someone ask me how I'm doing if they don't like the answer?
I will avoid the question and just focus on them but they are PERSISTENT about asking, and when I tell them that I'm "struggling but managing" or whatever they just fucking ghost me. What do people want??

Hardwired for bad decisions

I feel like this bitch fr

No coping mechanism is valid enough, it's never "healthy" enough. I'm always supposed to do everything the "right" way but end up doing the opposite every time no matter how hard I try. I'm always doing everything wrong, always

Whoops sorry for my alcoholism, it's just that it's the only thing that can calm this black cloud inside that is suffocating me constantly. Sorry I'm not a good functioning member of society, sorry I keep failing everyone's expectations. Always a failure in everyone's eyes

What are you supposed to do, how are you supposed to behave and act chill and civil 100% of the time when everyone around you treats you like the plague

Maybe I wouldn't have gotten to this point of pure negativity and resentment if everyone hadn't abandoned me, I know I'm not fun to be around but I don't think I was always like this. I used to have hope and light in my life