Hollywood Hang Dong Challenge

Smile 2 (2024)

6/10 - In the much anticipated sequel, Parker Finn shows that he learned from the first film's mistakes: but only technically. The single shot we get leaves doubt in the audience's mind, being shadowed and underexposed. But I can confirm that man, on the other hand, is fully exposed.

Smile (2022)

3/10 - This movie’s audience left this movie with far less smiles than the movie itself had. Perhaps hanging dong would have upped that number a bit, but in fairness there aren’t a lot of missed opportunities for it, aside from the entity’s entity, which would have been a slam dunk.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

0/10 - This one is simple: if a movie is willing to show us "wet nuts," it should absolutely be willing to hang dong as well. It doesn't get clearer than that.

Skinamarink (2022)

5/10 - Given how much of the screen time revolves around children, this movie is a textbook example of the rare: "I can forgive them for not hanging dong" (though for legal reasons, the max rating I can give it is a 5).

But I'll never forgive them for that fucking phone...

The Thing (1982)

2/10 - The Thing. Come on… The THING! It’s right there in the title! This movie delivers many thrilling and chilling moments, leaving the audience on constant alert for who’s human and who’s not. But all those men? Out there in the cold? We should have been on hard alert as well.

I think you might just have a quarter at least

The Shining (1980)

0/10 - This supposed "masterpiece of modern horror" really misses the mark. Are we really supposed to believe while Jack is losing his mind, he's never once also losing his pants? And then of course the infamous bear scene perfectly tees up a dong hang, but: swing and a miss...

Hereditary (2018)

7/10 - This widely acclaimed horror film offers several images that stick in the heads of its viewers. Among these are four separate heads (and shafts) in full view. However, in each shot, the bodies are shrouded or shadowed in a way that works against this proud display.

Kicking off spooky month here with:

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (2010)

1/10 - A pioneer of the comedy horror genre, this film heavily leaned into several common horror tropes by sexualizing its characters. And yet, with rife opportunities to do so, we are not once treated to any Alan Tu-dick...

It's officially spooky month! To celebrate, we'll be doing a full month of Horror movie reviews here at the Hollywood Hang Dong Challenge! Stay tuned for an extra special review to cap it all off on Halloween!

The Hateful Eight (2015)

7/10 - 20 years after the disaster that was Pulp Fiction, Tarantino shows us that he has finally learned how to tastefully hang dong. He's not serving it up on a platter, as most shots have it far away. But there are multiple clear shots of his hateful eight inches.

Saving Private Ryan (1998)

4/10 - Nobody is asking for this movie to hang dong; it would be fair to say it doesn't need to. However, this movie already forces its audience to reconcile with so much visually and emotionally. Surely, we could handle them saving Ryan's privates in our minds as well.

Weekend at Bernie's (1989)

2/10 - Does Bernie need to hang dong? No. But between the obvious "rigor mortis" jokes, the posthumous sex scene, and Richard's dad in his skivvies, hanging dong would have been quite doable, and would not have been out of place for this film at the time of its release.

Borat (2006)

9/10 - A surprise cultural phenomenon for many reasons, including one of the most infamous dong hangs (double dong, even!) in cinema history. We have full minutes of our main character in full glory. It may not be the dong hang we want, but it's the dong hang we deserved then and now.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

1/10 - Missed chances.

Arthur: the King can always hang dong
Patsy: could've shown his coconuts
Bedevere: A WITCH!
Lancelot: could've swung rope while swinging on a rope
Galahad: we all know the scene
Robin: his monster head could defeat the 3-headed monster

28 Days Later (2002)

8/10 - Beyond simply redefining/revamping the Zombie genre, this movie unequivocally and unapologetically hangs dong. We can even be fairly sure that this is in fact Cillian on full display. However, the grainy quality of these shots detracts slightly from the centerpiece.

The Dark Knight (2008)

3/10 - In this dark, gritty rejection of typical superhero films, hanging dong could distract from such a rich tapestry. But not even a glimpse of the little Batman or Harvey's dent? No Joker making his pencil (re-)appear? I believe Nolan could have made a dark knight rise.

Fargo (1996)

6/10 - While technically, this film hangs dong, we must acknowledge a few key caveats:

1) It's basically only visible if you pause the film
2) It's a stunt double in place for Steve Buscemi
3) This movie has sex scenes where Steve Buscemi could hang dong more substantively

Finding Nemo (2003)

5/10 - Ultimately, I do think it's the right choice not to hang dong in a movie explicitly marketed to children/families. Unfortunately, I'm legally obligated not to give a movie that doesn't hang dong a rating higher than 5/10, so here we are. Bonus point for this line, tho.

Pulp Fiction (1994)

0/10 - This is exactly what not to do. Acclaimed director Quentin Tarantino goes so far out of his way to NOT hang dong in the Bruce Willis shower scene. It would have been so much easier to simply hang dong.

Poster for the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Jason Segel in his nude scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)

10/10 - A masterclass in hanging dong: full display, plot-relevant, and a magnificent piece. What more can you ask for?

Welcome to the Hollywood Hang Dong Challenge!

I'm a firm believer that Hollywood needs to hang more dong. For far too long, the industry has been too rigid when it comes to male nudity; I'm here to express a stiff advocacy for embracing it! I'm hard up on my soapbox and hope you'll join me!