Brian Rush

I mean, why not ask the car directly?

Scientists at the University of Edinburgh have discovered a way to turn plastic into Tylenol. So if you struggle to remove the child-proof cap, you can just lick the bottle.

David Richardson, head of FEMA, said in a briefing yesterday that he hadn’t been aware that the U.S. had a hurricane season. “You idiot, do you need me to draw you a diagram?” asked Trump while pulling out a Sharpie.

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Major League Baseball has reinstated Shoeless Joe Jackson. Jackson had been banned over his alleged involvement in a conspiracy to fix the World Series, and not, as I had previously assumed, due to a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy.

THEY SHOULD GET A BROOKLYN POPE NEXT.

I’m not “committing arson.” I’m setting things on fire around the neighborhood until the smoke looks right and they make me pope.

What’s his take on these guys?

Trump is doing this to the EPA because he thinks the orange smoke means that he was elected pope.

I would like to audition for the role of the short twerpy guy please.

“Really, J.D.? A couch???”

The White House has begun the search for a new Secretary of Defense. They haven’t officially announced the search but I learned about it through a text chain that I wasn’t supposed to be on.

Shame on you for that pun. You need to start toeing the line, you heel.

A New York man was caught having sex with a dead body on the subway. Police immediately arrested the corpse for not paying the fare.

I’m feeling pretty stupid for getting that “I ❤️ TARIFFS” tattoo this morning.

This looks like a great restaurant! Would someone like to take me? I mean, take on me? I mean, take me on?

The Catholic Church is about to canonize the first millennial saint. Attributed miracles include scientifically unexplained healings and consistent use of punctuation.

Now I’m like super paranoid that I’ve added someone by mistake to the group chat that I send war plans to.

The JFK files have finally been released and they’re fascinating! Turns out, Kennedy’s head exploded when he heard about all of the ridiculous conspiracy theories surrounding his death.

I realize that my phone is listening in on everything but now it’s gotta critique my singing????

Look, it’s true I enjoy watching performances by acrobats and clowns now and then but these absurd rumors have got to stop. Despite the way I dress, I AM NOT A CIRCUS RINGMASTER!

Look, it’s true I listen to old-school music now and then but these absurd rumors have got to stop. Despite the way I dress, I AM NOT IN A FRANKIE VALLI TRIBUTE BAND!

YouTube video by WarrantVEVO Warrant - Cherry Pie

February 20th is both National Cherry Pie Day and National Handcuff Day, which, of course, calls for…WARRANT!

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Tomorrow, Punxsutawney Phil will mark his first Groundhog Day as a dad. Commented Phil, “We’ll have six more weeks of winter, but keep your hands off the damn thermostat!”

I’m not a brainless sheep like all of you, I can think for myself without jumping on some idiotic bandwagon. I’m staring at the sun TODAY instead!

🎶 In the meadow, we can build a snowman
We'll pretend that he is Charlie Brown
We’ll say, are you happy? He’ll say, no man
‘Cause when Lucy pulls the football, I fall down 🎶

A customer at N.Y. restaurant Chopt claims that her salad had a finger in it. Given that it’s in New York, it’s not difficult to guess which finger.

A new Columbia Pictures logo has been unveiled to celebrate the company’s 100th anniversary. Warner Bros. also created a new logo but they’ve already cancelled the release for a tax write-off.

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A man charged with stealing the ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in the “The Wizard of Oz” from a museum in Minnesota is expected to plead guilty. He really has no choice, he was caught red-footed.