🔞♀ Ishtar 🧿 ♇

I remember learning about the Hays Code in film school and how it made it so that any amoral protagonist had to meet karmic justice by the end of the film and going “wow, that’s really silly” and then once a week I log online and see people argue that we need stuff like that now or it’s problematic

Insta, & if they saw me posting the gofundme they’d likely ask my parents abt it & id end up in very deep shit over it

It wouldnt be the first time i end up in shit
over them finding out abt me vocalizing online
what happens at home

Same fucking ppl that are the reason i cant post on instagram for ang fucking outreach / help with my situation
Bc if i say anything abt what’s happening at home & they find it, its possible they may come at me or sever my contact to anyone online

Bc family members (not ones i live with) follow my

The man who also expects & tries to force me to be fucking diurnal & tries to insist that if i practice, we go at 10-11 am to practice
Because “1-2 pm is late in the day”

10-11am IS
THE HOURS I CAN STILL BARELY FUNCTION FROM EXHAUSTION

& gets mad over me or others not being diurnal like him too

Yk
The man who gets hostile easily over me showing any fucking nervousness when tryna learn (IN MY CITY’S TRAFFIC WHERE EVERYONE DRIVES RECKLESSLY)
& will get bitter at me over any mistake i make tryna learn & raise his tone if i try to explain myself & yank the wheel from me & cause severe anxiety

Same fucking people who fucking wont let me use public transport at all & have barred me from it before because “its dangerous dont you see whats going on in the news”

Yet if i insist on wanting to be able to drive they force it to be my dad to teach me which :’) rather than letting me get courses

Same fucking ppl that will actively force me to have to go with one of them if i wanna go for a simple fucking walk in my own fucking neighborhood because “um its dangerous & ur ill you cant go alone”

IM IN MY LATE FUCKING 20’s? & LET ME FUCKING DECIDE IF I NEED SOMEONE TAGGING ALONG??? FUCK OFF

& even in recent history they keep fucking making me pay for things & having me hand over my own funds

& its getting to where i barely am having any i can keep to myself
It all fucking either goes to bills or them now

& im explosively angry abt it all

I wouldnt even be fucking asking for $8k from ppl online if it weren’t bc of them

I am supposed to have that much by now after this long working
MORE THAN THAT ACTUALLY

…& thanks to them i fucking dont have that.
They legit sabotaged it.
Bc of forcing me to be their backup funds.

Have it continue sabotaging my health too which has been sabotaging my life
& ive even noticed it too how different i feel physically in the rare times ive been away

& i CANT just leave bc i have zero resources + cant drive + am stranded irl w no irl support systems
Only online at best, if that

I dont say that in a self defeating way—its an objective fact

They literally have sabotaged almost everything for me life wise& now even are okay w financial abuse to me because “family comes first you know this”

& even my therapist has said as long as I’m stuck here it is likely I am going to

My life literally has never been my own & for as long as im under my parents’ thumb it never will be

Its not like I can reach out. Reaching out seldom seems to work for me.

I’m literally on my own, & im starting to completely give out.

Ive done enough breaking down & constant physical exertion with barely enough sleep to where its causing this shit

On top of that is the extreme apathy that’s set in, the extreme urge to isolate & pull away from everyone

I don’t know anymore.

I cant even cry anymore either

Im just nothing but fatigued.

Things id hoped for have continued to fall through/not come true

& its a lot rn

Everything you love being completely censored on the internet because the ones in control don't like seeing what they want to see on the internet is terrible and we need to keep making these calls and we need these bills to be killed off for good

DO NOT STOP CALLING! TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THIS!

Bills or legitimate necessities ig
Nothing else though

Unfortunately until I can somehow move out, if I even manage to get what I need to do so, I am on financial lockdown aka i am spending on NOTHING for myself
The only thing money goes towards is bills & thats it.

I really wish i could spend on myself for a self care day…

Ive been catching up w pokemon for once in a while & learned of this thing’s existence & its so 💗 yes

Mega scolipede beloved

Soft Reminder:
The word "gypped" is a bad word based on the slur for Romani "Gypsy" and maligns Romani with thievery and swindling as to "gyp" someone is to steal from them or swindle them.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Donate to Help a queer disabled artist in leaving Texas, organized by Nyx-Ishtar Celis Hi. Nyx/Ishtar, aka EstrellaDeIshtar here. I... didn't really wa… Nyx-Ishtar Celis needs your support for Help a queer disabled artist in leaving Texas

After swallowing my own pride I’ve gone forward w this—despite how much i hate making these posts

Aims to move out for my own sake & my future are falling through financially
Any donations or even shares are appreciated—it’s been a very difficult spot amidst so much going on.

gofund.me/c03ae8268

I will note that unfortunately I am incapable of taking comms, as mentioned in the link, so I’m… Mostly stuck having to resort to this rn as a result

Further, I do have other donation links as well which—are here

bsky.app/profile/estr...

Further context is I’m legitimately isolated in real life—i have no friends nor anyone irl to try to reach out to for transportation, so like. Y’know.

& I don’t know how to drive also due to how all my life, the only person who could teach me is my dad—who has the shortest temper over my mistakes.

For context—unfortunately due to me not being able to drive, i have to catch uber rides back home (which yes, is part of what has eaten up some of my paychecks sadly)
& its always something I’m genuinely anxious abt, considering the… rep it has, even though i have literally zero choice in the matter

Side eye

Some uber driver yesterday offered up his number to me as a “if you want you can call me to take you places without going through uber” which i presume is to pay less—but im just…

Somethn abt it is. Idk.

I need to get better abt self reminders.

Little quiet acknowledgment to myself that I need to do things to better keep track of… everything

Noticed amidst some stuff how my memory has been faultier than before
Almost feels like there’s a haze over some of it here & there ig

I suppose that’s probably related to… everything going on.