Stephen Collins

Scene is a suburban street. A green RANGE ROVER is parked on the kerb. We see two men approach it. We'll call them MAN 1 and MAN 2. MAN 1 [showing Man 2 the Range Rover] So yeah here it is 59,000 on the clock Nice racing green MAN 2: Looks lovely MAN 1: It's got the heated seats, auto headlights [Man 2 looks in the front seat] MAN 2: Really nice [man 2 now opening the back door] MAN 1: Reverse camera, air quality sensor Leather upgrade - MAN 2: What's that? MAN 1: What  MAN 2: There's something on the back seat there  [we now see what he is looking at on the back seat. it is the tiny, shrivelled, calcified form of ANDREW MOUNTBATTEN WINDSOR, claw-like hands laced, his tiny body all grey, his hunted eyes glowing red] MAN 1: I can't see anything. MAN 2: You've got Andrew Mountbatten Windsor MAN 1: That's just light wear MAN 2: It's not light wear mate, it's the former Prince  It's completely ingrained in the leather [he scratches disdainfully at the melted form of the royal wraith] MAN 2: Is this why you didn't show the back seat on the listing? MAN 1: It's a design feature. MAN 2: I've come down from Suffolk mate. [Ends]

there are some things that by their very design you really do not want a surprise inside and the scotch egg is high up the list

I got a 'Taste The Difference' one this morning and I bit into it and the difference was I WANTED TO DIE

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

I hate yooooooou

Runny and cold! Intense yellow snot

Literally why the fuck did you do it. Scotch eggs were fine. Scotch eggs were a nice thing. Why did you make a cold yolky jizz thing happen inside my scotch egg

Okay which of you fuckers was it invented the 'soft set' scotch egg? Come on own up you bastard

In a world of lies, we need the BBC more than ever. This week could be our last chance to save it | Polly Toynbee As the public consultation on the BBC nears its end, the right will be out in force to undermine it. But its supporters can do their bit – with this guidance, says Guardian columnist Polly Toynbee

Deadline is Tuesday

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god if that's the case they really did her dirty there

I’m here to buy a Range Rover – no one mentioned a passenger: the Stephen Collins cartoon There seems to be somebody in the back seat …

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

haha oh my god

from 2023, which I think is when that Spielberg film about his movie journey came out? But it’s not just about that really

[Scene is THE OSCARS. On stage a PRESENTER CELEBRITY is about to announce Best Director.] PRESENTER: And the winner is Mr Director, for… Let's Just Bung It On Streaming. [Huge applause. On the screen behind him, a movie poster comes up. It is a Cinema Paradiso-style poster capturing the romance of cinema - a young boy beneath a movie projector beam, his rapt face illuminated by the image onscreen, while a design of movie film loops around behind him. The title is LET'S JUST BUNG IT ON STREAMING.]. [A typical grey-haired, bearded DIRECTOR comes on stage to accept the award. The rapturous applause stops as he goes to speak, pinching his fingers together meaningfully as he goes to speak]. DIRECTOR: Thank you. Thank you. Y'know... When we were making this picture I said to the studio, "I'm not making a movie here. I'm writing a love letter... ...to bunging it on streaming." [HUGE BURST OF APPLAUSE] DIRECTOR: I want people to experience this like real cinema. A communal thing... Where you pause it every time someone needs a wee Or mum wants to look up "what's that man been in". I want this movie to just turn up one day on your TV And you don't even know whether you're watching tellu or a film for the first 30 minutes. I want to make literally one promotional poster... And put it on one bus stop... Behind the Screwfix in Bedford. [HUGE APPLAUSE] [Ends]

It's not so much people who are forced to work there - although if I were them I would deffo be looking for another job lol. It's the ones - and I've met a few - who have literally ***never thought*** about it, see it as a playground. Just never. It's a new idea to them. They bang on about it

This is quite specifically about the sheer lack of thought put in to Wider Things exhibited by pretty much everybody from the UK who’s ever gone over there to work, play, and post. An amazing epidemic of thoughtlessness, now at an end, or at least on hold.

Obviously I wish nothing but safety for the people of Dubai and safe return for all the Brits and expats/economic migrants whatever you want to call them that live out there. I’m - truly, no sarcasm - happy to join in funding your safe passage home.

[We see a close up of a young white male, tanned, white teeth, coiffed hair clearly an influencer on social media. It is an image such as you see when social media posts are shown on the news. In the corner of the screen is named a location: DUBAI. He is staring slightly off-camera for several silent panels of the comic strip. His eyes move slightly. He is having a thought.] From off-screen a newsreader’s commentary comes: NEWSREADER: Extraordinary images here of an expat in Dubai [The influencer’s eybrows raise slightly] …Having their first ever geopolitical thought. [CUT TO a BBC news scene. The BBC newsreader CLIVE MYRIE is talking to an interviewee next to the screen showing the social media influencer’s face. The interviewee’s name is David Jones]. CLIVE MYRIE: To explain the significance of this moment we’re joined by David Jones, our Expat Thoughts correspondent DAVID JONES: Clive, this is momentous It was caught on film at the end of an Instagram post titled: ‘Dubai Is Brilliant’. [Pointing at the screen, the influencer’s expression still the same] You can clearly see in the eyebrows here, the dawning realisation that there *might* be something in the world beyond his dickhead self. It marks a *huge* departure from all the Dubai Expat’s previous thoughts. CLIVE MYRIE: Which are…? DAVID JONES: You've Got To Get Yourself Out Here Mate, Everything Is So Clean, I Don't Have To Pay Taxes, I Am Incurious As To Why I Do Not Have To Pay Taxes, and Spa. CLIVE MYRIE: And might we see an expansion of these new Thoughts in coming days? DAVID JONES: I think we can expect to see: “I Deserve To Be Airlifted By A Country I Pay No Tax To” CLIVE MYRIE: Mmm. [Ends]

ha thanks rob

An expat in Dubai has a startling revelation: the Stephen Collins cartoon Reality check …

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

What a f----- surprise. That consultation was insulting and it was obvious what they'd already decided

What’s wrong with texting? The Stephen Collins cartoon A voice from above …

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David Mitchell has this and makes good jokes about it. And he's alright so I think it's different somehow

Oh fuck me no. No no no no no no no

Oh wow. Not neurodivergent? I guess maybe not possible to know. But it's like Michael Owen and his 9 films he's seen cos he hates films. People with just no playground in the heart

It shows the weakness of the prosecution-first defence-second system that I still side with the prosecution. First impressions last, particularly when they are of utter horror

Closely related to the "never heard of them" crowd, under any celebrity news. Terrifying, terrifying whimsy-vacuums.

They're often found underneath anything whimsical posted by a media outlet, going "is this all you've got to report on 🙄" as if they've called back the war reporters to write about crisps

I think quite high up my list of terrifying people is those with no whimsy or irony in their souls. Not through neurodivergence, just... it's not there

God I love your podcast. Thank you 🙏