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Stephen Collins

@stephencollins.bsky.social

Illustrator & cartoonist | Guardian & Prospect (full scripts in alt text) | graphic novels | children’s books | WFC | My stuff: https://linktr.ee/stephencollinsart

16,852 Followers  |  430 Following  |  794 Posts  |  Joined: 04.07.2023  |  1.5907

Latest posts by stephencollins.bsky.social on Bluesky

Cartoon by Stephen Collins - here's the script: 

1 [Title panel]
Changes to our Airport Drop Off Fees

2
Please note from August 2nd we will be charging a Dropping Mum Off At The Airport fee of £6.00

3
Please note from August 3rd we will be charging a Dropping Mum Off By Drone fee of £6.50

4
Please note from August 4th we will be charging a Firing Mum At The Airport From A Cannon fee of £7.00

5
Please note from August 5th we will be charging a Get Mum To Start Tunnelling To The Airport Four Years Before Her Holiday fee of £7.50

6
Please note from August 6th we will be charging a Getting Mum Bitten By A Vampire Show She Can Fly In As A Bat fee of £8.00

7
Please note from August 8th we will be charging a Dressing Mum Up As A Pilot And Dropping Her Off In A 747 So It Just Looks Like We Took A Wrong Turn fee of £8.50

8
Please note from August 9th we will be charging a Blowing Up The Fence And Telling Mum To Run Mum For God’s Sake Run fee of £9.00

9
[Show a couple Man and Woman doing this - a hole blown in the airport fence, while they shout at Mum]: 

Man:
RUN MUM FOR GOD’S SAKE RUUUUN

10
[pause as they watch her running across the runways]

11
Man:
THAT’S IT MUM.

UP THE LANDING GEAR.

12
Woman [Looking at a drop off charges sign]:

Oh they’re charging for this now

Man:
You’re joking

[Police arrive in background to arrest them]

[Ends]

Cartoon by Stephen Collins - here's the script: 1 [Title panel] Changes to our Airport Drop Off Fees 2 Please note from August 2nd we will be charging a Dropping Mum Off At The Airport fee of £6.00 3 Please note from August 3rd we will be charging a Dropping Mum Off By Drone fee of £6.50 4 Please note from August 4th we will be charging a Firing Mum At The Airport From A Cannon fee of £7.00 5 Please note from August 5th we will be charging a Get Mum To Start Tunnelling To The Airport Four Years Before Her Holiday fee of £7.50 6 Please note from August 6th we will be charging a Getting Mum Bitten By A Vampire Show She Can Fly In As A Bat fee of £8.00 7 Please note from August 8th we will be charging a Dressing Mum Up As A Pilot And Dropping Her Off In A 747 So It Just Looks Like We Took A Wrong Turn fee of £8.50 8 Please note from August 9th we will be charging a Blowing Up The Fence And Telling Mum To Run Mum For God’s Sake Run fee of £9.00 9 [Show a couple Man and Woman doing this - a hole blown in the airport fence, while they shout at Mum]: Man: RUN MUM FOR GOD’S SAKE RUUUUN 10 [pause as they watch her running across the runways] 11 Man: THAT’S IT MUM. UP THE LANDING GEAR. 12 Woman [Looking at a drop off charges sign]: Oh they’re charging for this now Man: You’re joking [Police arrive in background to arrest them] [Ends]

03.08.2025 18:38 — 👍 176    🔁 33    💬 3    📌 1
Preview
There is no escape from airport drop-off fees: the Stephen Collins cartoon All the drop-off charge loopholes are being closed one by one

Please note the changes to our Airport Drop-Off Fees
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

02.08.2025 18:28 — 👍 76    🔁 10    💬 4    📌 3

RIP Allan Ahlberg. Gorgeous, resonant, timeless work that will live forever.

31.07.2025 21:23 — 👍 109    🔁 15    💬 4    📌 2

Honestly if there are sniper holes in the foreheads of children, I don’t care if your own reasoning allows you to sidestep the G-word, there is no logical parsing that can justify these acts, there is no gentlemanly symmetrical warfare based on some colonial guideline, this is mass human hunting.

29.07.2025 22:59 — 👍 2881    🔁 641    💬 8    📌 0

Can't lie I would love this

29.07.2025 10:59 — 👍 7    🔁 0    💬 1    📌 0

Oh my god 😍😍😍

27.07.2025 18:56 — 👍 39    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0

Oh god why is it always always penalties

27.07.2025 18:34 — 👍 44    🔁 0    💬 1    📌 0
[Scene is Women’s World Cup match showing on big screen in pub, lots of FANS in pub watching it cheerfully, apart from one guy at the back looking grumpy]
 
1
FANS [as goal goes in]:
YYEEEESSS!

2
COMMENTATOR 1 VOICEOVER ON THE TV:
Ooh and there's been a VAR check on that goal

3 
COMMENTATOR 2:
Yeah Robyn it looks like there’s been a question about it...

4
[show a miserable gammony bloke watching the same from the back of the pub]

COMMENTATOR 2:
…from Brian at the back of the pub.

5
COMMENTATOR 1:
Looking at the replay we can see Brian using this rare moment of uncomplicated national joy

6
COMMENTATOR 1:
to talk about men.

BRIAN [holding his pint while he watches the screen, grumbling his own commentary]:
Grumble Grumble Grumble men’s game 

7
COMMENTATOR 2:
Yeah you can see from his body position he’s making a dumb and sexist comparison there 

8 
COMMENTATOR 1:
The ref’s made her decision…
[Ref returns to the pitch, making one of the big VAR speeches they’ve started doing through her head-mic]

9
REF:
MY JUDGEMENT IS…

10
REF:
BRIAN IS TALKING BOLLOCKS.

11
PEOPLE IN PUB:
YEEEAAH

12
PEOPLE IN PUB [all pointing at Brian]:
SHUT UP BRIAN SHUT UP BRIAN

[Scene is Women’s World Cup match showing on big screen in pub, lots of FANS in pub watching it cheerfully, apart from one guy at the back looking grumpy] 1 FANS [as goal goes in]: YYEEEESSS! 2 COMMENTATOR 1 VOICEOVER ON THE TV: Ooh and there's been a VAR check on that goal 3 COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah Robyn it looks like there’s been a question about it... 4 [show a miserable gammony bloke watching the same from the back of the pub] COMMENTATOR 2: …from Brian at the back of the pub. 5 COMMENTATOR 1: Looking at the replay we can see Brian using this rare moment of uncomplicated national joy 6 COMMENTATOR 1: to talk about men. BRIAN [holding his pint while he watches the screen, grumbling his own commentary]: Grumble Grumble Grumble men’s game 7 COMMENTATOR 2: Yeah you can see from his body position he’s making a dumb and sexist comparison there 8 COMMENTATOR 1: The ref’s made her decision… [Ref returns to the pitch, making one of the big VAR speeches they’ve started doing through her head-mic] 9 REF: MY JUDGEMENT IS… 10 REF: BRIAN IS TALKING BOLLOCKS. 11 PEOPLE IN PUB: YEEEAAH 12 PEOPLE IN PUB [all pointing at Brian]: SHUT UP BRIAN SHUT UP BRIAN

27.07.2025 10:36 — 👍 567    🔁 170    💬 9    📌 18
Preview
Adventures with the Pollen brothers – the Stephen Collins cartoon A free ride …

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

25.07.2025 14:34 — 👍 47    🔁 7    💬 1    📌 1

oh i bet he does!

25.07.2025 10:10 — 👍 2    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0

I don't think it's reductive. 'Losing confidence in your doctor because of a strike' is not a felt reality for most people when they are actually seeing their doctor or interacting with the NHS. It's a consequence that seems to happen only in the media's imagination

25.07.2025 10:08 — 👍 3    🔁 0    💬 2    📌 0

Haha why charlatan though? Did he rip someone off

25.07.2025 09:12 — 👍 1    🔁 0    💬 2    📌 0

Yesterday I was wondering whether I needed to show my kids the last three Jurassic films before they see the new one. Now I'm wondering if I need to show them Inherent Vice

25.07.2025 09:08 — 👍 17    🔁 0    💬 2    📌 0
Title screen from an online ad: The new Paul Thomas Anderson film, One Battle After Another - coming soon to Fortnite

Title screen from an online ad: The new Paul Thomas Anderson film, One Battle After Another - coming soon to Fortnite

I feel we may be living through one of those times which are so deeply culturally strange that we don't realise it until it's passed and everything has got homogenised and predictable again. (This is the upcoming Paul Thomas Anderson film)

25.07.2025 09:06 — 👍 18    🔁 4    💬 3    📌 5

I seem to recall he liked queen? Even mentioned mercury in his suicide note ☹️

25.07.2025 09:01 — 👍 1    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0

I regret to inform you we are now entering the 'ghost jizz' stage.
Spotted by @jimwhalley.bsky.social

24.07.2025 16:10 — 👍 72    🔁 4    💬 3    📌 0
Cartoon by Stephen Collins for the Guardian from back in 2019. Here’s the script:

[The scene is SPACE, with our big round friend, THE MOON, in it. The Moon is talking to a satellite which is filming it as it talks]

THE MOON:

**DEEP BREATH**…

[The scene now cuts to a compiuter screen. We are watching a YOUTUBE VIDEO - which is being livestreamed by the satellite we just saw filming the Moon. The Moon is talking to us, like a YouTuber, and the video it is posting is called ‘Learning to accept myself!’]

THE MOON:

Hi guys...

So today's post is gonna be tough...

But I feel that, as your Moon, there's a lot of you that look up to me.

And I have a responsibility to show you that the perfect images you see on social media aren't real.

So here goes…

For 4.5 billion years I have suffered from a really cratered ass.

[We now see the Moon from the side, which shows that one the side we can’t see, it is covered in craters.]

It's a condition known as meteorites.

And I spend so much *energy* showing you my smooth seas and radiant light, but it's all *fake*…

Even my light is... reflected!

SOB!

[Show sun shining on Moon’s Earth-facing side]

But now - SNIFF - I've got this great new sponsor, the Chinese government...

...who've sent me their amazing new Chang'e 4 rover, to help me feel empowered by taking beautiful photos of my 'dark' side.

[Show the Chinese Rover taking photos on the Moon’s surface]

So check ‘em out guys
- www.gov.cn!

Hashtag, #loveyourcraters.

[Ends]

Cartoon by Stephen Collins for the Guardian from back in 2019. Here’s the script: [The scene is SPACE, with our big round friend, THE MOON, in it. The Moon is talking to a satellite which is filming it as it talks] THE MOON: **DEEP BREATH**… [The scene now cuts to a compiuter screen. We are watching a YOUTUBE VIDEO - which is being livestreamed by the satellite we just saw filming the Moon. The Moon is talking to us, like a YouTuber, and the video it is posting is called ‘Learning to accept myself!’] THE MOON: Hi guys... So today's post is gonna be tough... But I feel that, as your Moon, there's a lot of you that look up to me. And I have a responsibility to show you that the perfect images you see on social media aren't real. So here goes… For 4.5 billion years I have suffered from a really cratered ass. [We now see the Moon from the side, which shows that one the side we can’t see, it is covered in craters.] It's a condition known as meteorites. And I spend so much *energy* showing you my smooth seas and radiant light, but it's all *fake*… Even my light is... reflected! SOB! [Show sun shining on Moon’s Earth-facing side] But now - SNIFF - I've got this great new sponsor, the Chinese government... ...who've sent me their amazing new Chang'e 4 rover, to help me feel empowered by taking beautiful photos of my 'dark' side. [Show the Chinese Rover taking photos on the Moon’s surface] So check ‘em out guys - www.gov.cn! Hashtag, #loveyourcraters. [Ends]

Moon Influencer: from 2019.

The start of the confessional-authenticity boom on social media, as well as the Chinese govt beating the US at Moon exploration.
#loveyourcraters

23.07.2025 10:34 — 👍 111    🔁 10    💬 1    📌 0

what??

21.07.2025 09:48 — 👍 2    🔁 0    💬 1    📌 0

Licorice Pizza is AMAZING

21.07.2025 09:40 — 👍 3    🔁 0    💬 2    📌 0
1
[Title panel]
Celebrity Race Across The World 

2
[Voiceover]
Meanwhile in Italy, Yvette and Ed have to cross a river.

[Show YVETTE COOPER and ED BALLS standing on a riverbank. At Yvette’s feet is a canoe. Ed is reading a guidebook.]  

3
ED BALLS:
Yvette - are you sure crossing the Rubicon is a good idea?

YVETTE COOPER:
It’s the only way, Ed.

4
ED BALLS:
Only it says in the guidebook ‘The Rubicon is noted for the on-the-nose political annotations which can be seen in its currents’…

5
ED BALLS [squinting up from his guidebook to look at the river]:

Oh yeah, look - 

6
[We see an elevated view of the river, where the words
BANNING NONVIOLENT PROTEST are written in the waves].

7
YVETTE COOPER:
Cor, that’s amazing!

8
ED BALLS:
And I can’t help noticing the canoe you’ve found has 
‘THE FOLLY OF POWER’ written on it

[Show their canoe by Yvette’s feet, with THE FOLLY OF POWER written on the side].

9
ED BALLS:
And can you see that *sign* on the other side…

10
[Show the land on the other sign of the river which has a sign stuck in the ground reading]:

AN ACTUAL AUTHORITARIAN DYSTOPIA, DON’T BE MENTAL

11
YVETTE COOPER:
Sorry Ed - remind me what you do again…?

ED BALLS:
An awful podcast with George Osborne.

YVETTE COOPER:
And I’m…?

12
ED BALLS:
Home Secretary.

YVETTE COOPER:
Get in the on-the-nose canoe, Ed.

[ends]

1 [Title panel] Celebrity Race Across The World 2 [Voiceover] Meanwhile in Italy, Yvette and Ed have to cross a river. [Show YVETTE COOPER and ED BALLS standing on a riverbank. At Yvette’s feet is a canoe. Ed is reading a guidebook.] 3 ED BALLS: Yvette - are you sure crossing the Rubicon is a good idea? YVETTE COOPER: It’s the only way, Ed. 4 ED BALLS: Only it says in the guidebook ‘The Rubicon is noted for the on-the-nose political annotations which can be seen in its currents’… 5 ED BALLS [squinting up from his guidebook to look at the river]: Oh yeah, look - 6 [We see an elevated view of the river, where the words BANNING NONVIOLENT PROTEST are written in the waves]. 7 YVETTE COOPER: Cor, that’s amazing! 8 ED BALLS: And I can’t help noticing the canoe you’ve found has ‘THE FOLLY OF POWER’ written on it [Show their canoe by Yvette’s feet, with THE FOLLY OF POWER written on the side]. 9 ED BALLS: And can you see that *sign* on the other side… 10 [Show the land on the other sign of the river which has a sign stuck in the ground reading]: AN ACTUAL AUTHORITARIAN DYSTOPIA, DON’T BE MENTAL 11 YVETTE COOPER: Sorry Ed - remind me what you do again…? ED BALLS: An awful podcast with George Osborne. YVETTE COOPER: And I’m…? 12 ED BALLS: Home Secretary. YVETTE COOPER: Get in the on-the-nose canoe, Ed. [ends]

21.07.2025 09:29 — 👍 472    🔁 146    💬 7    📌 4

one of the very few comics the guardian ever said no to - at the time I was convinced you could vaguely sort of bracket the word as a ruder cousin of "twit". And when I tried to use a different word it just didn't work

20.07.2025 09:16 — 👍 108    🔁 1    💬 10    📌 0
Comic strip by Stephen Collins, it begins with a nighttime city scene. In the next few panels, a mysterious figure, giant in the moonlight, walks towards us through the skyline. His feet echo "boom, boom" in the empty night.

A large title panel declares this character's name:

THE TW*T COLLECTOR. 

He stands, giant, unseen in the empty city night, wearing a big pointy hat on his head, and a sort of long smock. He is carrying a large sack in his hand. 

Slowly, he raises his arm, his arm extends, freakishly long, longer still, through the open window of a tower block. It reaches inside someone's home, and slowly withdraws, now clutching a protesting, terrified man. The man's wife comes to the window to watch his departure.

slowly, the giant raises the little man and inspectes him in his hand. After a pause, the man says "b-but I'm not a tw*t!" 

There is another pause, after which his wife, calmly from off screen, says "you are a  tw*t, dear".

The Tw*t Collector summarily throws the man in his bag, which we now see is full of screaming people and is labelled TW*TS, then stomps off into the distance, through the moonlit city.

Comic strip by Stephen Collins, it begins with a nighttime city scene. In the next few panels, a mysterious figure, giant in the moonlight, walks towards us through the skyline. His feet echo "boom, boom" in the empty night. A large title panel declares this character's name: THE TW*T COLLECTOR. He stands, giant, unseen in the empty city night, wearing a big pointy hat on his head, and a sort of long smock. He is carrying a large sack in his hand. Slowly, he raises his arm, his arm extends, freakishly long, longer still, through the open window of a tower block. It reaches inside someone's home, and slowly withdraws, now clutching a protesting, terrified man. The man's wife comes to the window to watch his departure. slowly, the giant raises the little man and inspectes him in his hand. After a pause, the man says "b-but I'm not a tw*t!" There is another pause, after which his wife, calmly from off screen, says "you are a tw*t, dear". The Tw*t Collector summarily throws the man in his bag, which we now see is full of screaming people and is labelled TW*TS, then stomps off into the distance, through the moonlit city.

Sometimes, I long for him

20.07.2025 09:10 — 👍 1773    🔁 508    💬 43    📌 38

My kids absolutely lost it at that one

19.07.2025 08:41 — 👍 2    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0

It feels like the most virtuous scroll hole, like instagram but you only follow 7 funny people

18.07.2025 23:45 — 👍 23    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0

God the Fast Show was so ahead of its time. Showed it to my kids tonight while floundering for something short to watch before and they loved it

18.07.2025 23:40 — 👍 75    🔁 4    💬 15    📌 0
Preview
Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper cross the Rubicon – in a canoe: the Stephen Collins cartoon Our canoe has ‘the folly of power’ written on the side of it

Get in my on the nose canoe Ed

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

18.07.2025 13:36 — 👍 70    🔁 18    💬 0    📌 1
[Scene is a DAD driving a car, stopped at traffic lights, with SON in the back seat. Music is playing on the car stereo]

1
SON:
Hey dad, who’s this song by?

2
DAD:
Oh it’s the Wild Young Youth Band! 

SON:
It’s actually pretty good…

3
VOICE FROM OFF SCENE:

STOP RIGHT THERE

4
DAD:
Who the hell are you

5
[A man dressed like a sad old Britpop version of the GREEN CROSS CODE MAN has appeared by the car. He says:]

I’m BAND REVIVAL SAFETY MAN.

6
BRSM:
Your son is currently looking up videos of the Wild Young Youth Band from 30 years ago…

7
BRSM:
Their peak-period sound and hey-day good looks are forming a solid image in his young mind.

[Show the boy googling the band on a phone - they look young, lean and beautiful]

8
BRSM:
Have you considered what will happen to him when the Wild Young Youth Band inevitably… 

9
REFORM?

[Show empty stage on a news video on the phone screen]
News ticker headline:
Wild Young Youth Band Comeback Gig

10
[Onto the stage walk the band, old, bald, wrinkly]

11
Show a diagram of the boy’s head and brain. Annotations tell us his YOUNG BRAIN is suffering INSTANT EXISTENTIAL SHOCK by the apprehension of TIME’S CEASELESS MARCH 


12
BRSM:
Quick, put an artist under 30 on

DAD:
I DON’T KNOW ANY

[ends]

[Scene is a DAD driving a car, stopped at traffic lights, with SON in the back seat. Music is playing on the car stereo] 1 SON: Hey dad, who’s this song by? 2 DAD: Oh it’s the Wild Young Youth Band! SON: It’s actually pretty good… 3 VOICE FROM OFF SCENE: STOP RIGHT THERE 4 DAD: Who the hell are you 5 [A man dressed like a sad old Britpop version of the GREEN CROSS CODE MAN has appeared by the car. He says:] I’m BAND REVIVAL SAFETY MAN. 6 BRSM: Your son is currently looking up videos of the Wild Young Youth Band from 30 years ago… 7 BRSM: Their peak-period sound and hey-day good looks are forming a solid image in his young mind. [Show the boy googling the band on a phone - they look young, lean and beautiful] 8 BRSM: Have you considered what will happen to him when the Wild Young Youth Band inevitably… 9 REFORM? [Show empty stage on a news video on the phone screen] News ticker headline: Wild Young Youth Band Comeback Gig 10 [Onto the stage walk the band, old, bald, wrinkly] 11 Show a diagram of the boy’s head and brain. Annotations tell us his YOUNG BRAIN is suffering INSTANT EXISTENTIAL SHOCK by the apprehension of TIME’S CEASELESS MARCH 12 BRSM: Quick, put an artist under 30 on DAD: I DON’T KNOW ANY [ends]

17.07.2025 09:49 — 👍 275    🔁 66    💬 5    📌 4
NYT article about Trump sacking Maurene Comey today, the federal prosecutor who made cases against Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell.

NYT article about Trump sacking Maurene Comey today, the federal prosecutor who made cases against Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell.

Everyone a little too quick to say Trump is implicated in the Epstein files, without considering the other likely option: that he is doing his very own personal Brewster's Millions, where the challenge is he has one week to make every single person in America think he's a paedophile.

16.07.2025 23:34 — 👍 273    🔁 48    💬 6    📌 2

Good point! I just do them everywhere though. For an HR trade magazine called 'Edge' I think

16.07.2025 12:50 — 👍 1    🔁 0    💬 0    📌 0
Illustration of a handyman, by Stephen Collins

Illustration of a handyman, by Stephen Collins

Posting 18 little characters from a trade mag illo because I liked them and nobody saw them: number 4. A man who is handy a handyman if you will who has all his clothing seams very prominently drawn because that's a thing I've done for ages and I don't really know why.
#illustration #characterdesign

16.07.2025 11:40 — 👍 102    🔁 4    💬 4    📌 0

@stephencollins is following 20 prominent accounts