Stephen Collins

oh my god that's the worst I've seen. Like that must taste like the bright red 20/20 I drank in the 90s

[TWO PINTS OF BEER are on a pub bar, one is PERONI and one is a brown Christmas-themed beer] 1 PERONI: Hello there CHRISTMAS BEER: Hello Peroni 2 PERONI: So nice to have someone new on the lineup! And you are…? 3 CHRISTMAS BEER: You know who I am, Peroni. 4 CHRISTMAS BEER: I am Brown Christmas Liquid. I come back each year. 5 CHRISTMAS BEER: Every time with a new name, and a new horrible ingredient. Last year I was Reindeer Stomper. This year I am... Cheeky Elf. 6 PERONI: Oh god You were on the bar for two months and… CHRISTMAS BEER: Three pints sold, aye. 7 CHRISTMAS BEER: I’m a seasonal blend of cinnamon, ginger, cloves, orange peel, nutmeg and this year, for reasons of late-capitalist sadism, vanilla. 8 CHRISTMAS BEER: My name is Cheeky Elf, I taste of jam, and I want to d*e. 9 PERONI: Well somebody’s trying you CHRISTMAS BEER: Poor bastard [A hand comes down to lift CHRISTMAS BEER to sip the pint] 10 [CHRISTMAS BEER being sipped, off-scene] 11 [CHRISTMAS BEER being sipped, off-scene] 12 [CHRISTMAS BEER gets put back on the bar ] PERSON [who just drank CHRISTMAS BEER]: Oh my god CHEEKY ELF: SEE? [Ends]

(*One of my favourite Nirvana songs)

Title panel: The Art of Christmas Party Conversation - by ANGEL. [Scene is a SILENT, STARRY HILLSIDE in Biblical times. Three shepherds are having a quiet chat as their sheep calmly chew the grass. This scene repeats unchanged apart from the gentle movements of the Shepherds chatting, for several panels. Then suddenly a MASSIVE, CHEESY, WHITE-TOOTHED ANGEL appears above them saying "HELLLOOOO"] ANGEL: HELLLOOOO SHEPHERS: ARGH ANGEL [Talking 'to camera]: Christmas is such a social time - here's some top tips for making sparkling conversation! 1. Use body language to convey approachability. [The giant angel, hovering in the air, cheerfully flaps his massive wings at the terrified shepherds] FLAP FLAP FLAP 2. Start with a gentle icebreaker to put people at ease [The giant angel looms over the terrified shepherds bellowing]: DO NOT BE AFRAAAAAID 3. Avoid 'Angelsplaining': Always introduce topics of conversation by asking interested, open questions. [The Angel shoves his massive, cheery face into the terrified Shepherds' personal space and bellows]: SEEN ANY GOOD BABIES LATELY? 4. If there's a lull in the conversation, try summoning the Company of the Heavenly Host. [The bAngel summons thousands more angels, filling the sky with sublime, terrifying fire as they all sing]: GLOOOOORY TO GOD [The Heavenly Host all disappear. There is an awkward silent pause, the Shepherds now cowering on the floor, quietly weeping.] ANGEL: So do you like sheep? SHEPHERDS: *sob* [Ends]

ha wish i'd thought of this!

Mariah’s glockenspiel is ringing. Time to panic – the Stephen Collins cartoon and you thought a to-do list was bad

Time to panic www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

thanks! It's not a very card-friendly shape that one

(this one from Guardian 2017 I think)

[Scene is a JOB INTERVIEW. The bosses taking the interview are FATHER and MOTHER CHRISTMAS. In the chair across the desk from is the interviewee: RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER, sitting legs crossed. Rudolph is effusive and expressive with his hands / hooves.] RUDOLPH: ...and in addition to my sleigh-pulling experience, l just genuinely love working with other reindeer. I mean I'm a real 'reindeer reindeer' you know? Haha! FATHER CHRISTMAS [Looking delighted]: Wonderful! Well, I think we've found our candidate... So, uh... Rudolph with your nose so bright... ...won't you guide my sleigh tonight? [A chilly pause. We focus on Rudolph, who folds his arms, looks away in silent fury, his nose casting light about the room as he does so. He drags his eyes back to Father Christmas, his expression now of pure, cold contempt.] RUDOLPH: So this is about my nose. FATHER CHRISTMAS: One of my bulbs has gone. RUDOLPH: Go to Halfords! FATHER CHRISTMAS: It's closed till Tuesday. RUDOLPH: No, right, OK... I get it... this is like a narrative thing for you, isn't it? [Rolling his eyes, gesticulating, getting more angry as he begins to rant]: Like...powerful white male saves the shunned outsider by making a gimmick of their difference? [We see Father and Mother Christmas looking awkward, a bit scared, askance at each other] RUDOLPH: So in your head, what, like, the other reindeer who've bullied me my whole life will suddenly start respecting Mr Fog Lamp up front? [Rudolph is waving his hooves now] I mean, I notice you haven't interviewed my AUNTY for this job. Rita the Red-Arsed Reindeer? She applied! Her nose is even brighter than mine, but because the disease has spread to her ARSE she's not the right KIND of diversity mascot... [Finally Rudolph stands up, knocking his chair backwards. Father Christmas looks shocked, Mother Christmas looks terrified.] RUDOLPH: This is BULLSHIT! FATHER CHRISTMAS: SECURITY...! [A little Elf enters to tackle Rudolph] [Ends]

Job interview

Scene is a domestic TEENAGE BEDROOM which has been turned into a JUNK STORAGE ROOM by the parents since their son left home. Nirvana poster, Beasti Boys poster, plus cardboard boxes, a running machine, a computer desk, etc. On the floor though, is said teenager, a guy called DANIEL, now an adult returned home for Christmas and having to sleep on a mattress on the floor among all this stuff. On his head, as he wakes up, is his parents' cat, CLIVE. [Close up on Daniel's closed eyes] [Daniel slowly opens eyes to realise Clive is sat on his head] CLIVE THE CAT: Well, well, well. CLIVE: The prodigal son returns! Happy Christmas, Daniel. DANIEL: Hello Clive CLIVE: So sorry I’ve sat on your head. I didn't see you down there among all this... junk. Such a shame they turned your old bedroom into a storage cupboard.... How the mighty have fallen! 34 years old and forced to sleep under dad’s computer desk with your pillow on the running machine... While I have the freedom of the house! Admit it, Daniel... I am the son now. I alone am prince of the prince of this domain! DANIEL: No! You’re just the cat! CLIVE: You’re gone, Daniel. I’ve sprayed it all! Everything! Even.... [Show a teddy on a shelf] ...Mr Bumble. DANIEL: Nooo CLIVE: I AM THE SON NOW DANIEL: You bastard... [ends]

Welcome home for Christmas, Daniel.

(prints of my work available now - link in bio)

Chris Mason's wikipedia profile pic, which is hard to describe in words but crucially makes him look like a prat, which he is

the only good thing about Chris Mason is that this is his wikipedia profile pic

haaaaa

Your weekly reminder that the Michelin Man has a name, and it's Bibendum.

Ha I never knew this! Sad to have your name erased and replaced by just your work . Imagine like driving a bus and every single person you know just calling you "Bus man"

Title panel: CHRISTMAS… AT THE BBC. The Traitors Christmas Special: Who in the BBC Boardroom is trying to bring down the gaff from within? [Image: The Traitors scene with Claudia Winkleman looking like “ooh-er” while the BBC board sit at a table looking suspiciously at each other] Apologising To The People Who Want To Destroy Us At Christmas: A festive extravaganza of self-flagellation before our enemies [Image: A cozy fireside scene with Donald Trump, Nigel Farage and Kemi Badenoch standing, while at their feet lots of BBC employees are kneeling before them and begging for forgiveness]. Donald's Big Distraction: Heartwarming Julia Donaldson animation in which a dragon sues the BBC to draw his friends' attention onto something else [Image: Julia Donaldson’s ‘Zog’ with a Donald Trump wig, holding up a lawyer’s letter to show his dragon friends while trying to block their view of a pile of box files and computer drives some with ‘Epstein’ written on them]. The King's Speech: We let Nigel Farage tell you the BBC is left wing as if that's some kind of fact [Image: Nigel Farage as the King delivering his Christmas speech to camera]. A Ghost Story for Christmas: A venerable British institution is haunted by Boris Johnson's appointees [Image: A BBC studio with a window, outside in the dark snowy night a spectral apparition in the form of Robbie Gibb taps at the window and wails “I want to destroooy you”] Christmas Labour Inertia-Time: Keir Starmer and Lisa Nandy present four hours of total silence from under their desks [Image: Show them both under their desks holding up glasses of sherry] Rightward Drift Christmas Special: A bonanza of trust-corrosion with confected immigration panic and Reform coverage [Image: A computer and a smartphone in a cute snowy scene, both displaying the BBC News website with multiple headlines and LIVE feeds and and BREAKING NEWS stories headlined: “IMMIGRANTS? IMMIGRANTS? IMMIGRANTS? IMMIGRANTS!”] [Ends]

Christmas at the BBC

this is a safe space for us all to express our pain

What steak McCoys?

Omg

flame

honestly though we all know that the whole McCoys line is basically Flamer Grilled Steak And Friends. Let's stop pretending

it does make me wonder though, since the msg unsafety thing is now proven to be untrue and quasi-racist, why don't they put it in literally everything? We need a Loudness Wars but for snacks just blasting the msg

When Flame Grilled steak isn't around all the other McCoys flavours bitch about how it's only the most popular cos of the MSG and no i can't be arsed to do a comic about this

Festive self-flagellation at the BBC: the Stephen Collins cartoon Traitors, distractions, inertia, manipulation … it’s all on the schedule this Christmas

Christmas on the BBC
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

All the rage against the machine albums on cd

The nice thing about my kid having a CD player is that when he expresses an interest in Limp Bizkit I know what to get him for Christmas

This was from a few years back, 2018 I think

[Scene is a MEDIEVAL PLAGUE PIT with all the bodies inside it. On the edge of it is a young peasant woman, in a sack cloth dress, covered in boils. She is lounging glamorously next to the pit. Her boyfriend is standing a few feet away, photographing her with an anachronistic mobile phone] GIRL: OK so I'll sit here... With my hair like this… Rubbing my cyst with the corpse's hand. [She produces a whithered severed hand and starts rubbing it on her face.] [We are treated to a revolting close up of her rubbing the severed hand on her disgusting massive cyst.] [Her boyfriend takes a photo of her.] SNAP GIRL: OK, now write this: "Hanging out at the burial pit, rubbing my sebaceous cyst with a severed corpse hand from #BurtsGraverobbers…” And then: #selfcare, #metime, #BurtsGraverobbers… ... nails emoji, heart emoji, cyst emoji. BOYFRIEND: Um... Should we really be promoting this? I mean… does rubbing a corpse's hand on a cyst actually work? GIRL: Look, Burt's done research, OK? And he's paying us four groats. BOYFRIEND: Hmm. [Boyfriend dutifully taps out the post on his phone] TAP TAP TAP BOYFRIEND: Cyst emoji? GIRL: Just use a fried egg. [Ends]

Some cultures do still have the Christ child delivering the presents to be fair, so he wasn't totally ignored

One bit I really liked was that he went so far as to tell his own kids that it was Baby Jesus coming in the house and lifting all the massive sacks and that. Wtf Martin

He actually tried to change it to Baby Jesus delivering the presents, because he thought the whole St Nick thing was getting idolatrous. He said "I'm changing it lads" and everybody was like yeah ok Martin whatever

*The bit about Martin Luther in the reformation is true btw, I researched it and everything

[Scene is JESUS sat behind a boss’s desk in his office on a cloud in HEAVEN] 1 JESUS [speaking into intercom] Hi can you send in Saint Nicholas please 2 SANTA [entering in full Santa garb]: Hi boss JESUS: Hi Nick 3 JESUS: Listen - about this ‘my birthday’ thing... SANTA: Ohh not this again boss 4 JESUS: Nick, it’s out of hand. *You’ve* got out of hand. 5 JESUS: I mean when I hired you, you was all humble, hiding under windows, lobbing in dowries… And now you’re like… 6 JESUS [gesturing disdainfully at Santa’s clothing]: I mean - what’s this. 7 SANTA: This is my get up! I’ve had this since the Coca Cola deal in the 30s JESUS: *That’s what I mean.* 8 JESUS: You’ve just gone too - SANTA: Oh no, oh no - 9 SANTA: Sorry boss but waaay back in the Reformation, right, Martin Luther said: “why don’t we have Jesus delivering the presents?”. And when he prayed to ask you, do you remember what you said? Eh? 10 SANTA: You said: “I ain’t going back there” 11 SANTA: If you wanna take over - JESUS: Oh yeah! Kids coming downstairs to find me resurrected in their living room going "I got you an Xbox"... 12 SANTA: You’re just feeling threatened cos I’m doing a bloody good - JESUS: *WATCH IT NICK*. [ends]