Brynnester

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays basketball

It’s not really my birthday

cannibal: it’s open mic night. imma go

mike: what

Asked to see the secret menu at McDonald’s and they showed me autopsy photos of Grimace

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

[in the back of a police car] are you guys mad at me?

I hate when you're having sex and you accidentally yell the name of the wrong Ninja turtle

How can you bring children into a world where new bags of potato chips are half empty

🎵I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes🎵

911 operator: yes that sounds like a stroke, an ambulance is on the way

I wash my hands of me.

And then I was like, Roald— make the peach GIANT. No one gives a shit about a normal ass peach

A tissue box dispenser for cold cuts.

Boss: I hope you didn’t think about your job too much while you were on vacation

Me: I don’t even think about it while I’m here

HR: What's your complaint?
ME: Bill is a giant asshole.
HR: Please, I need you to be more formal.
ME: Sorry, WILLIAM is a giant asshole.

I feel like How To Train Your Dragon should have been on Daenerys Targaryen’s reading list

Isn’t it disappointing when you go to give blood and they don’t take all of it?

If eating ice cream in the bathtub isn’t a superpower then why am I wearing a cape

The A in A-frame house is shaped like an A-frame house.

Is this anything?

[First date]

Him: Let’s share dessert!

Me: *starts crying*

You asked for it…

Nothing can prepare you for the disappointment you feel on discovering that a Venus Fly Trap is too small to help you dispose of the corpse.

chicken: *tenders resignation*

colonel sanders: what

Officer: *to his colleague* These aren’t the stolen alpacas we’re looking for

Me: *watching them go* Fuck me, I can’t believe that worked

The custody hearing was going great until my puppet started masturbating