telling my adorable daughter i'm not putting the drawing she made on the fridge because it's toddlerslop
30.01.2026 23:02 — 👍 4041 🔁 403 💬 45 📌 7telling my adorable daughter i'm not putting the drawing she made on the fridge because it's toddlerslop
30.01.2026 23:02 — 👍 4041 🔁 403 💬 45 📌 7Thanks to technology, bananas are becoming obsolete as pretend phones. The future belongs to the Pop-Tart.
24.02.2026 05:02 — 👍 1678 🔁 336 💬 26 📌 23Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going for a long walk is okay. Abandoning society is okay. Moving into a cave with a family of raccoons is okay. Giving them tiny swords & shields is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
29.10.2024 23:42 — 👍 3972 🔁 1122 💬 55 📌 27Told the barista my name is "It's gonna be okay." She keeps saying it. I'm on the floor crying
21.02.2026 21:45 — 👍 914 🔁 147 💬 15 📌 3“Can I explain this gap in my resume? Uh, YEAH…I was dealing with a lot of clone bullshit during that time!” I snarl to the interviewer (who is one of my clones).
14.02.2026 00:45 — 👍 71 🔁 14 💬 0 📌 1I need to spend more time with fewer people
28.01.2026 08:45 — 👍 150 🔁 40 💬 3 📌 1First date idea: come and pick me up at the airport
19.09.2025 23:58 — 👍 147 🔁 41 💬 5 📌 2
C S Lewis: The lion
Publisher: King of the jungle, like it
C S Lewis: The witch
Publisher: Evil magic, nice
C S Lewis: And the wardrobe
Publisher: The what now?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
sometimes, if you’re up early enough, you can hear them turn the birds on
11.02.2026 09:27 — 👍 2401 🔁 432 💬 45 📌 15This meeting could’ve been a karate match
05.02.2026 02:33 — 👍 267 🔁 50 💬 8 📌 2
elton john: hold me closer, tiny dancer
tiny dancer: uhhh ok
elton john: count the headlights on the highway
tiny dancer: what
elton john: lay me down in sheets of linen
tiny dancer: huh ?
elton john: you had a busy day today
tiny dancer: no i didn’t
elton john: blue jean baby
tiny dancer: stop
BREAKING: punxsutawney phil has fled the country
02.02.2026 11:13 — 👍 301 🔁 64 💬 10 📌 1A Shih Tzu is just a dollar store knockoff of Sun Tzu.
03.02.2026 14:29 — 👍 88 🔁 32 💬 1 📌 0We had it right the first time. Frankenstein, the doctor, WAS the monster.
29.11.2025 05:05 — 👍 357 🔁 52 💬 5 📌 0For years, I thought DEFCON 5 was more serious than DEFCON 1, and I'll be honest: a lot of people died
03.02.2026 06:05 — 👍 595 🔁 69 💬 10 📌 1Cue the music
20.01.2026 05:58 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Starfish: I am so named because I am shaped like a star
Seahorse: I have the head of a horse
Clownfish: *swims away quickly but crashes into a rock*
i was happier when i thought the phrase was "for all intensive purposes"
19.01.2026 20:18 — 👍 390 🔁 15 💬 24 📌 2My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
19.01.2026 04:32 — 👍 3362 🔁 600 💬 26 📌 9You can just say you just finished a workout it doesn't need to be true
19.01.2026 14:01 — 👍 390 🔁 94 💬 17 📌 8