Sue Corvette

I guess it’s better than “buy one get zero”

first person to eat an orange: this is disgusting!

first person to peel an orange: you’re not gonna believe this…..

first person to eat a banana: what’s going on here?

You know you’re getting old when you start buying condolence cards in bulk

Am I the only one who finds a slide of pizza from a small pizza tastes way better than one from a medium or large?

😂

If you want to find out if someone is ticklish, the first step is performing a testtickle

Takes garbage out to the bin at 2am with smudged eyeliner

Me seeing raccoon: don’t fall in love with me kid
I’ll only break your heart

almost died last year when I fell into an automatic upholstery machine. I’m ok now tho. In fact, I’m fully recovered

me (bowing): thank you your majesty

cashier at Dairy Queen: please stop coming here

that awkward moment when your new dog turns out to be a kangaroo

my foolish neighbour thinks I won’t notice he’s hiding an elephant in his bushes but I’m on to him!

Oh wow! My mom always bought me amaryllis for Xmas too. She’s been gone 15 years so now I buy them for myself. I’ve never thought about planting the bulbs in the summer. Hopefully it’s you too late in the season

lol good point!

I’m in my bedroom watching a horror movie while I play with dinosaur rings when it hits me …

how will my family ever know if/when I get dementia? Half of them will be “there’s something wrong with mom” and the other half will be “nah she’s always been like that”

A digital sign in a snowy landscape displays two messages: "DO NOT LET MOOSE" and "LICK YOUR CAR."

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

Age is not a number, it’s a word silly.

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I'll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

him (a man of wealth and taste): please allow me to introduce myself.

me (puzzled by the nature of his game): woo woo

Well it wouldn’t bother me but I don’t have any b’s in my name 🤷‍♀️

👍🏻

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me (unprepared): uh oh

boss: say that again

him: this hot sauce isn’t for pussies

me: of course not silly. it’s for your mouth. It would burn your pussy

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

Dear Lord, you've taken my favorite comedian, Ruth Buzzi, my favorite actor, Val Kilmer, and my favorite singer, Roberta Flack. I just wanted to let you know my favorite politician is Donald Trump.

me: I want a Charlie Brown mural painted in the baby’s room

friend: I know a guy

me: is he very expensive?

friend: nah he works for peanuts

Thank you! I found it!!! Much appreciate the advice 😋

My dog keeps bugging me for treats. I feel like I’ve hit a new low when I just told my 8 lbs shihtzu to fuck off

I’m crocheting a blue afghan, following a pattern. But today my finger slipped & I accidentally closed all 35 tabs I had open.

Now trying to find the pattern. Do you have any idea of how many blue afghan patterns exist on the internet? Like looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack

Thanks friend! Took me a while but I finally found the way here!

Thanks to online shopping, I’m the best dressed recluse you’ll never met