You have to be a real loser to parody a parody
01.01.2026 23:18 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0You have to be a real loser to parody a parody
01.01.2026 23:18 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Ended 2025 the same way it started. With six inches — and no it’s not what you think. It was a six inch long needle in my spine. Good times
31.12.2025 22:05 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
them: hi
me: QUIT SMOTHERING ME
If you received an invitation to the tigers’ New Year's Feast, please be aware that you are the feast.
30.12.2025 17:43 — 👍 170 🔁 36 💬 7 📌 1Cannibals are the only true planet friendly people
30.12.2025 19:00 — 👍 11 🔁 3 💬 1 📌 0Los Angeles took one look at all the assholes planning to hike on New Year's and decided she was going to treat herself to rain.
30.12.2025 19:36 — 👍 17 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0To each his own fries.
30.12.2025 17:54 — 👍 106 🔁 57 💬 3 📌 0
2025 was like a shopping cart with a bad wheel.
It wasn’t easy, but we managed to push through.
BLIND DATE: i can’t wait to meet you
ME: (a vegetarian) the fuck you say to me
*whispers* i think they know
31.12.2025 06:00 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0ever since i was a little boy, i just knew i wanted to be a forty year old divorcée with a secret diet pill addiction.
30.12.2025 23:12 — 👍 28 🔁 4 💬 1 📌 0I dunno man, today just feels like a waste of my business pyjamas
30.12.2025 20:21 — 👍 312 🔁 89 💬 3 📌 0
my 7 yo grandson is on the spectrum. He was non-verbal for the longest time but lately he has found his voice. Not words per se but noises. Very loud noises
Been the loving grandmother I am, I gifted him a karaoke machine for Xmas
Long story short — he loves it and my daughter isn’t speaking to me
all I’m saying is a lava lamp would be much better with real lava
30.12.2025 23:47 — 👍 169 🔁 70 💬 7 📌 0
Today I used the Kasa App to turn on the lights in my living room.
Later when I went to bed I realized I had accidentally turned on the air conditioning in my bedroom.
Back story — it’s -21° here with a wind chill that makes it feel like -27. Certainly not air conditioning weather
I guess it’s better than “buy one get zero”
20.08.2025 18:28 — 👍 9 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
first person to eat an orange: this is disgusting!
first person to peel an orange: you’re not gonna believe this…..
first person to eat a banana: what’s going on here?
You know you’re getting old when you start buying condolence cards in bulk
20.06.2025 14:37 — 👍 6 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0Am I the only one who finds a slide of pizza from a small pizza tastes way better than one from a medium or large?
13.06.2025 23:13 — 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0😂
09.06.2025 17:50 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0If you want to find out if someone is ticklish, the first step is performing a testtickle
08.06.2025 04:51 — 👍 9 🔁 3 💬 1 📌 0
Takes garbage out to the bin at 2am with smudged eyeliner
Me seeing raccoon: don’t fall in love with me kid
I’ll only break your heart
almost died last year when I fell into an automatic upholstery machine. I’m ok now tho. In fact, I’m fully recovered
04.06.2025 21:08 — 👍 7 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
me (bowing): thank you your majesty
cashier at Dairy Queen: please stop coming here
that awkward moment when your new dog turns out to be a kangaroo
04.06.2025 01:26 — 👍 8 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0
my foolish neighbour thinks I won’t notice he’s hiding an elephant in his bushes but I’m on to him!
04.06.2025 01:22 — 👍 26 🔁 6 💬 0 📌 0Oh wow! My mom always bought me amaryllis for Xmas too. She’s been gone 15 years so now I buy them for myself. I’ve never thought about planting the bulbs in the summer. Hopefully it’s you too late in the season
04.06.2025 01:16 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0lol good point!
04.06.2025 01:14 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
I’m in my bedroom watching a horror movie while I play with dinosaur rings when it hits me …
how will my family ever know if/when I get dementia? Half of them will be “there’s something wrong with mom” and the other half will be “nah she’s always been like that”