Cosmorchids

i was rly miserable after a last two days of rly bad illness and then my fursuit maker sent me a wip of my suit. and i have been graciously reminded that i cant EVER kill myself

i have like 2 days to finish the halloween animation but im going to my moms tommorrow so technically only one day and i havent even finished the lineart yet

i have decided to not go hospital and simply bare it until it either solves itself or becomes critical bc it will be an enormous waste of my time

context to this rant i have to go hopital tmrw bc i have a bowel obstruction AGAIN and i know DAMN well im gonna sit in there for the entire day just to get sent home with an idk that sucks try a laxative bye. they will not listen if i tell them thats already been tried. bc i just lie for fun ig

like yuh actually i love sitting in the dirty ass hospital for an entire day just to waste everyone’s time. i actually WANT to get my 900 blood tests and use all the scary claustrophobia machines. its actually a huge fetish of mine just to pretend i feel a little sicky then go home & JACK OFF ‼️‼️💪

like honest to god tell me, what the fuck would be the benefit of me lying abt gastroperisis? abt endometriosis? chrons? anything? there is nothing positive you can get out of ANY of these. all that happens if i try to live my life & then BAM extreme inescapable pain & 15 hr hospital trip

the funniest (lie) thing abt it too is none of my illnesses have any benefit to lie about either. i cant be a “drug seeker” im too sensitive to meds & opioids send me into serotonin syndrome. i don’t want drugs, i want a cure. i want surgery. i want relief. that no one will give me bc im not rich ☺️

there is genuinely nothing more evil than invisible chronic illnesses. bc wtf do u mean everybody around me thinks im a psychopath but im sitting here desperately wanting to do normal person shit & i cant but no one will help me so i just gotta die about it. what is this shit man

THE MOST FRUSTRATING PART. MY STOMACH STARTS BITCHING GOING OHHH OHH IM SO HUNGRY AS IF THIS MF ISNT EXCLUSIVELY THE REASON FOR THIS. FUCK YOU GIRL DONT PISS ME OFF

i dont think ppl realise how genuienly fucking difficult it is to completely cut solid food out for an entire DAY let alone several. 😭 no snacks no nothing, soup, water and mash potato at main meal times only and nothing else. if i get hungry? too bad bro . survive

mad as HELL i could feel a couple days ago that i was about to have a flare up and i was hoping i was being paranoid but i was in fact not. no more solid foods for me for the next few days im going to tweak the fuck out

the absolute miserable state of posting on twt is so funny because i post actual work related stuff on twt and get 10 likes max but i post a fucking picture of me going blehh on bluesky and get 50 within 2 hours

…i love u guys. T_T cant say shit without immediately being mauled to death w support. 💖💖💖💖 i will try be less mean to myself for yall

--im being harrassed by elec & water companies to pay my fucking bills and i couldnt even keep up w a payment plan i set up with one and im just. god. god. this is so grueling. no matter how hard i try its just never enough to keep up w the world. this fucking sucks im so drained man

idek what the fuck im supposed to do about it this time lol. i have a specialists appt in like 4 days that i now dont have money to attend but the appointment opportunity literally only comes like once every 6 months, & im $30 short on rent despite already having to ask for help--

its hard to not feel like a failure when even after all the work ive done this month im still a little short on rent. nearly busted my arm w the amount of comms ive done, with finishing the animation project, ive been running around frantically irl to get stuff done too and its just not worth it. ug

guys lets connect every single software ever to one internet service provider. surely they wont ever go down right. surely nothing would ever go wrong. this could never happen

NDSS forcing me to switch from the dexcom G6 to the G7 which means id have to start putting the device on the back of my arm instead of my stomach…THATS SO FUCKING ANNOYING I DONT WANNAAAAAAAAA

this has made me think lots abt my pricing for coloring work too though for sure. i enjoy being affordable to more ppl, BUT i do need to consider the physical strain + ability to pay rent lol. esp bc if im too physically strained then i cant take on other work to make up da costs.. much 2 think abt

rewarding myself tmrw by spending the whole day playing animal crossing and FUCK all else

finally finished the rush order part of the NDA…my hand is permanently pins & needles and my muscles hurt so bad. but by god will this project look good as hell

HE FELL ASLEEP W HIS HAND ON MY AAASSSSSSS 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

(spoiler alert. your body visibly breaking out & you almost passing out in the shower 8 times bc of the temperature change is in fact Not anxiety. Normal People Do Not Experience That. If you experience anything similar it is Doctor Time.)

sometimes when i get out of the shower and watch my body over the course of 5 minutes break out in red spots and make me look like a plagued victorian child i think about the nurses & heart techs who said i was fine & it was just teenage anxiety and to stop testing me for anything 💕

like the actions you perform when awake is one thing, but to be so deeply intertwined w someone that you become smth their brain responds to when unconscious is a whole other thing. He reaches out to hold me in his sleep. He kisses me and doesnt remember when hes awake. its so cute. i love him

being genuinely in love is such a fascinating beautiful thing to me. the fact that me and another human have such a strong connection that he now has the unconscious impulse to make sure im still next to him at night is so interesting. we are a part of eachothers psyches now..kinda beautiful ngl

working w chronic illness is so funny bc i have a deadline in 30 minutes but am suddenly experiencing presynoscope. instead of going to rest i checked my heart rate, saw it was normal, said girl shut the fuck up and now im back to work pretending the world isnt fading around me 👍😭

been working on the lamb arg again and im ngl , every time i be looking over his backstory im immediately like hold up. this shit kind of fire. i need to shut up and work so more ppl know what im hyped about

i know that its like the "chronic" part of the whole chronic illness thing but im getting real fed up w feeling sick all the god damn time 😭