Jana

I told him, maybe it’s not such a bad thing if I lose my chance. They’re happy, hopefully, and I am forced to get over it. We both move on. I feel like if there was interest, they would have said something and they haven’t so it’s probably best to move on anyway.

My therapist said that my deep fear of rejection is handicapping me and I agree. I will lose out on anyone I have any interest in because of inaction due to my fear of rejection. It causes such a somatic response even thinking about expressing my feelings. I am the one thing standing in the way.

It’s long sleeve band shirt and bike shorts weather 😌 PRAISE

My life is tainted by the “love” (or really lack thereof) I’ve been shown am now I feel like I don’t deserve more than that. It’s hopeful to see that disproven in media but fuck it hurts so much.

Surprise surprise, Anora made me cry. Every relationship was transactional for her and Igor showed her it wasn’t for him. People are so cruel and take and take. I relate too much to the “common whore” in shit and it’s because I feel like I am a common whore.

I’m very lightly spiraling a little. Like spiral lite. I need to just take a deep breath and focus on myself and that is not easy…

Wow, the latest episode of Severance was ABSOLUTELY stunning. They’re all visually striking but this one was just different. Such a phenomenal episode.

Been trying to replace some of my Tiktok scrolling with Substack scrolling and it’s been really nice. Healing is tough work and will take time but the time will pass anyway.

THATS MY PURSE!!

My anxiety is so insanely high today I feel like I’m being hunted for sport.. like idk what’s causing it but I just feel extremely off.

Just bought a banjo so excited to get that going. Am also considering getting super into making chainmail. It’s been a good weekend.

It’s so fitting that the day I realized that my nails are brat green (I hated this color until today) they’re playing a brat mix at axis 💚.

Like will I lose another 70-80 lbs and look exactly like I do? That’s bonkers.

It’s such a mind fuck when people on tiktok are like “5’5” size 18/20” and they’re a SOLID 70-80 lbs lighter than me. Like WHAT?? There’s no way. When I think about progress I’ve made and what more I’m losing and I see people my height and a weight I would like to be but the same size?! Crash out.

Update: he did and helped decode 😂 Dr Gordon is a real girls girl. 💅

Do you think my therapist will entertain my psychoanalyzing interactions with my crush to help distract me from the bullshit going on??

Well! One of my party members had jumped up on the chimera and was holding the lion head back by the mane and used their bonus action to give me an extra turn and so I shot an arrow and it went through the open mouth through the head and stopped just before hitting my party member.

Also I got to land the finishing blow on a chimera with a crazy sneak attack roll in my D&D session last night and therefore got to describe what it looked like. That was sick. That also made my day better.

Just bought a hat that says “dumb bitch” and my day feels infinitely better. Our purpose is to buy things 😎

I FUCKING KNEW IT! I was about to give in then I heard them knock on my neighbors door 😂

I know the minute I go to take a shit, the maintenance guy will be here to switch out the furnace filter..

So excited to see this develop!!

Having never been a dress girlie before, I’m finding myself wanting buy a selkie dress BAD. I need an excuse to put on a gorgeous dress and do my hair and make up. I NEED IT!

“Lean is law.” “Waist snatching body suit.” “Viral arm lift shirt.” “Stair master queen.” I’m gonna kms.. time is a circle.

This all silly and goofy and possibly foreshadowing but it reminds me that the ER department at OSU medical center is literally called the Abercrombie and Fitch Emergency Department..

I’ll never forgive Grimes for having Elons children and being a weird cosplaying poor person but her music is so good 😩

On the other hand, I hate that I’m proud. Was I not enough before? Do I truly not believe I’m worthy because I’m fat? No, no I don’t and that pisses me off. I don’t feel that way about others so why is it so hard to feel that way about myself. I hate this.

I have lost weight and gotten stronger and my body has changed significantly in the last 8 months and it’s such a weird place to be. On one hand I’m proud of myself for making strides to become a healthier version of myself.

It’s depressing thinking about what I could spend my time doing or how I would live my life if I wasn’t so obsessed with my body. It’s a constant thought every fucking day. I’m tired.