kit is so tired

i'm straight up in pain bc i have a cyst on my hoo ha again and i don't wanna go to the doctor bc i don't like people touching down there and i know they'll just give me antibiotics again but AAAAAAH i can't just ask for antibiotics even though i know what it is and FUCK

i don't wanna say goodbye to my grandad today..
it feels so final..

i need like
a big hug
and to be told that someones proud of me
and that it's gonna be okay

none of my family knows this
they dont' know how close i've been getting

everyday i get more and more tempted to just
give up
and end it

i think i've hated myself for a long time
and i've
only just realised it

like one or two people of those i consider my friends maybe
idk
even my parents haven't been checking on me
i feel so out of place everywhere
even in my family
what's the point of living?

you know what the funny thing is
while i've been feeling burnt out and just depressed and shitty
barely anyones checked on me..
it's
really driving home that i don't belong.

it's so funny how as soon as i stopped gposing people who i thought were friends immediately didn't want anything to do with me.. :')

🥺thankyouhun
i really appreciate that<3
i'm sorry i've not been talking much.. i'm so bad at keeping up with convos asjkdha

i feel like such a waste of space..
i'm 28, still live with my parents, unemployed..
disabled, unable to work, need extra help that i don't get so i just waste away in my room every day
like
whats the point
i'm not even living.
i'm just
existing badly.

man i wanna pull for sampo 4 star so baaad...
i know he's not meta but i just want my pookie

am i even alive if there's no one here to perceive me

whats the point of being alive when on one wants me around.

so tired today
i might just
sleep idk

i kept dreaming about grandad last night
i'm so tired i kept waking up crying

I miss grandad
I feel awful I should have done more while he was alive to show I love him
I should have gone to see him more in spit of my agoraphobia
I should have hung out with him more
I love you grandad
I hope you're resting easy and pestering whatever deity out there for cigarettes<3

NO I KNOW
I'm saying I read muzzle instead like a dumba mdjsnssb

i wanna go to the power ranger ap
but i uh
can't
bc someone i cut contact with is gonna be there
those who know know
fucking RIP i love power rangers :(

THE WAY I READ MUZZLE AND DIDN'T EVEN BAT AN EYE LIKE: yeah ryn would do this huh

i went straight up non verbal in the middle of a conversation with my mum too and she yelled at me which didn't help.. :')

i just got
so overwhelmed
about everything out of nowhere
and started crying
like?? idk where the fuck that came from wow

awawawawawawa
i signed up for like
wellness group things
and the thought of going to them actively terrifies me

i hate that i have issues with ppl who everyone loves bc they were shitty to me in privaaaate :)

i meet with my first support worker ever tomorrow and i'm
scared
ahahaha akshdkjas

i kinda wish that like
if someone i've gotten art from blocked me
that they wouldn't use the art i comm'd in their examples :')

it's just frustrating to put so much love into my characters and ppl only look at the surface level of: are they fuckable to me. (aka are they a catgirl in balmung quicksands)

and like
for April fools
I made miqo'ko
which is koko but miqo'te
and ppl went fucking insane for them
and I was like
oh
so you just
wanna fuck a catgirl only cuz they're a catgirl not for their personality I got it cool cool-

sometimes I have the thought that ppl would like koko if they were a miqo'te and not aura
bc
like
I made m'attano and she got so much attention and everyone immediately loved her
and then I posted about koko after and they got NOTHING...

debug is the best