Danny

Son, when I was your age, apples were as big as watermelons, they were green on the outside, and when you cut ‘em open, they were red and juicy inside and tasted like watermelon

On a scale of one to Molly Ringwald’s prom dress, how disappointed were you?

I'm not calling it getting old anymore. I'm going to say it's time sickness from now on.

Fine, keep one leg out of the covers while you sleep. Just don’t come hopping to me after a monster bites it off.

ME: I like your boots

DATE: They're Doc Martens

ME: And where did the good doctor buy them do you know

HER: I need to see other people

*takes off reading glasses to read*

My husband and I were watching Antiques Roadshow and he was joking about Antiques Toadshow and Antiques Zipcodeshow and then he said, "Well what's Antiques Chodeshow?" and I said, "my DMs"

If only the mother of the bride hadn't invited me to get a shot with her. That was when it all went wrong.

"Your bank account is lying to you" OK but that's the only economic indicator I care about

Encyclopedia Brown could fix this

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” oh yeah that’s when the country I live in was collapsing entirely

This day in history. 1868. At Sakai Japan 100 French sailors, tired of drunkenly harassing women and desecrating temples, started a firefight with the samurai garrison. 12 sailors were killed so a Japanese prince apologized, the townspeople paid damages of $150,000, and 11 samurai committed seppuku.

A bear-shaped Kit Kat bar that, when viewed upside-down, suggests a phallus.

Is that a Kit Kat bar in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Did you sound out her last name?

back to driving my kid to school in the dark I fucking hate this time change and I plan to stay mad about it for the rest of the day

Monday: *exists*

Me: *serves a Cease and Desist order*

Any meal is a square meal as long as it comes with four sides.

i changed my pinned post!

𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ'𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

Partial section of the face of a full-size chocolate cat being held over the face of an actual cat.

Phantom of the Opurra

Melrose Place used to feature that song. If stopped I would know none of the lyrics except the chorus.

I dream of the day someone stops me on the street and offers me one million dollars if I can tell them what Letters to Cleo is saying in the chorus of Here and Now. it will all have been worth it

olive oyl: popeye, help!!

crude oil: stfu, ya skank

[annnnnnd, send 👻]

I want a vehicle that runs on almond milk cuz it's cheaper than gasoline.

Have the kind of sex where you have to buy a new house.

I remember about 20 years ago, talking on the phone with my best friend for hours about nothing.... that sounds like a for real nightmare now.

Nothing says "I'm just a regular guy who's thinking about the troops" like country club golf and gold drapery.

they should make a brain you can power down every evening with the push of a button

Sorry. Still reeling from the time change.

Probably should've laid off those edibles before I did my own taxes.

A side note however...I'm getting back twelve and a half million dollars.