lalalyds

I'm not exactly sure what radishes were invented for but it definitely wasn't eating

i have a sneaking suspicion. i have regular suspicions too, but this one is pretty sneaky

There are kids saying they see a deadly virus spreading everywhere all over screens surfaces ppl & now trees. Everyone’s like OK, but I’m taking the munchkins seriously. They see into realms of consciousness we can’t

Seems like a good year to try to bring back asbestos insulation if that's your thing

Panic! in the panic room. fully expected

You're in the mood for cheese. Not to eat. Just to caress your face with.

Written words and comprehensible sounds.

At any given time, there's 12.7% chance I have the theme from Flipper playing in my head.

if dogs could talk i bet they’d be like “hey what the fuck”

universal language (music)

Going to start using the word whilst just to piss people off.

I'll make it weird, but you gotta be cool about it.

I warmed up the queso for your pillow, m'dear.

If I had spent $159 on a doormat, I certainly would not keep it outside.

As I grab a second chocolate dipped granola bar for the day, I sing a little line from Grease “There are worse things I could do than go with a boy or two.”

Magic in your hands one minute, dropped and kicked under the stove the next. That reminds you though how the broken fixes itself when you make an appointment and maybe one pretend phone call is a wand

heard a fight broke out in roku city

Iggy Pop I Wanna Be Your Dog, but I wanna be petted, treats when I do a trick, told I’m a good girl, taken on walks, & I def wanna go bye byes in the car

replying to deleted posts is time travel

renaming all my puppet socks wyd

not liking skeets anymore only favoriting

baby are you a hockey goalie cuz i wanna jam it five-hole on that ass

[man having heart attack during flight]
Flight Attendant: IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
Me: [raising hand] it’s not a house, it’s an airplane

Look Canada, I’m not looking to apply for citizenship yet but let the record show I have never listened to a Gordon Lightfoot song without openly weeping

The feminine urge to start the new bottle of shampoo before finishing the old one

Accidently used his 3-in-1 bodywash and now I'm flirting with your girl

GUYS IT’S ALMOST SPRING I THINK I JUST HEARD MY FIRST VAJAYJAY

laundromat for dirty dishes

*twirls hair for comfort

*world on fire

me: do you prefer the white or green mint chocolate chip ice cream?