Alan Orloff

My oven says it's 8 o'clock. My phone says it's 9 o'clock. My watch says it's 10 o'clock. Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anyone really care?

Dear Alan,
Please go with the flow.
Best,
Alan

This is one of the sensors for my garage door. As you can tell, I’m all about precise, hi-tech solutions. Yes, those are folded pieces of card stock held together by twisty-ties and a Velcro strap to maintain alignment.

There’s a weirdo in my neighborhood who puts mustard on his rice.

I wonder how many legit get-rich-quick schemes I’m missing out on by deleting every text, email, and voicemail message from somebody I don’t recognize.

The advances in technology over the past fifty years have been unfathomable. So why does my new electric razor work as poorly as the one I used when I was a teenager?

Three things I’ve never done (that many others have): eaten at Cheesecake Factory, watched an episode of Survivor, smoked a cigarette.

Yay, Rikki!

I think judgmental people are real jerks.

USA!

What's the most interesting/unusual thing that happened to you this week, so far?

Pro Tip: Wait until your electric toothbrush is in your mouth before you turn it on.

COVER REVEAL! Coming April 2, it’s THE FAMILY BIZ, about a dysfunctional family of con artists working on their *last* job together. (If you inhale deeply, you can get a whiff of that new cover smell!) From Level Best Books!

My emoji game is hurting. I can generally tell if one is positive or negative, and I know what eggplant and chocolate soft-serve mean, but beyond that…😵‍💫

Congrats to anthology editor John Shepphird for SERVING up the recent release of TENNIS NOIR (Level Best Books)! Such a SET of writing ACES! You’re gonna LOVE this one—it’s right up your ALLEY! A real SMASH! Don’t LET this one get by you!

I’m particular about my bananas.

Hollywood Kills: A Crime Fiction Anthology Amazon.com: Hollywood Kills: A Crime Fiction Anthology eBook : Meyer, Adam, Orloff, Alan: Kindle Store

SUPER CONGRATS to @magmn.bsky.social for having his awesome HOLLYWOOD KILLS story, "The Second Act Twist," selected for THE BEST MYSTERY STORIES OF THE YEAR 2026! Way to go, Matt!

This fence is made of iron(y).

New business cards! These highlight my two horror/thrillers coming out in 2027 from @rowanprosepub.bsky.social: DARK SPRINGS and THE TASTE. I’ll be handing them out at StokerCon! (The cards, not the books.) From GotPrint.com!

It's not a sea turtle. It's a path turtle.

Are the first four palm trees, palm trees, palm trees, and warm weather?

I’ve been “selected” to receive a five-dollar reward from my local grocery store chain (Publix, which I dislike). All I have to do is spend $175 before the end of the month.

Today’s Big Game menu: veggie chili, corn bread, guacamole, and chips (corn and tortilla). Seems kinda meager, huh? Maybe we should add a dish made with my New Healthy Food of 2026—sardines. Suggestions?

Just "Reacher."

The other day I helped a lady at the store get something down from a high shelf. I guess you can call me…Reacher. Unless that’s been taken, of course.

Ah, the pitter patter of little feet. Around here, that means it’s time to call pest control!

We got our renewed passports yesterday. Now, where should we go?

Pretty cool! It pecked my hand looking for food.

I made a new friend.

In exactly one year, my horror/thriller DARK SPRINGS will be released (from @rowanprosepub.bsky.social)! HUGE thanks to the very generous SUPERSTAR Jonathan Maberry for this amazing blurb!